God and the City

Growing up there were three places I dreamed of living. An old Victorian home, a high rise in Chicago or just about anywhere in New York City.

As I grew older the New York City desire outgrew the others. Even though I couldn't imagine leaving my family, after being there a few times and loving the atmosphere and energy, I had such a feeling of longing to live there and a feeling of regret at knowing I probably never would. I really thought it would be so fulfilling to live there. In my mind you'd never get bored or lonely and every day would be full of excitement.

A couple years after Jason and I had been married I bugged him to move there. I asked him to apply with the NYPD and I'm sure i could find a job in advertising there. He wasn't going for it. I gave up but still had those feelings of regret. You only have one life, right?

So right around the time when I was just beginning to seek out who God really was and just starting to read the bible (pretty much in secret), I went on a short business trip in New Jersey. I ended up staying all weekend on my own just cause I wanted to be there and experience it again.

So I checked into my hotel and went outside, not sure where i was heading, just going to start walking. I turn the corner and see the road blocked off and red carpet. Me and a woman next to me with a stroller were wondering what it was. Before we knew it, like a tsunami we were pressed in on all sides with people wrestling each other to get to the railing. I think it was the War of the Worlds premiere. People were crying out, Tom, Tom!! The crowd pushed and squeezed and became tighter. The woman I was alone with a minute before now struggled with me to keep her stroller from tipping over with a little baby in it! A large sweaty photographer was squeezed up against me (kinda like Ben Stiller in the basketball scene in Along Came Polly) and irritated that i wouldn't budge, but we were concerned about the baby getting crushed!

You would think that Jesus Christ was coming down the street. That people were gonna get healed or something. The crowd was in a desperate frenzy just to get a glimpse and I was shocked and irritated and did not want to be there. All of a sudden Tom Cruise is 6 feet in front of me, i'm getting elbowed and shoved by the sweaty photographer, and Tom Cruise is posing with someone and i'm in the background of the pic with i can only imagine a crazy-looking angry face (i'll bet i ruined that picture! photoshop!) I'm screaming, there's a baby over here!!! Tom and his body guard finally heard me and realized what was going on and got the crowd to back away from us.

I squeezed out of the human macaroni salad and walked away feeling really sick. I kept thinking of Jesus. Jesus and Tom Cruise. I wasn't even sure what my mind was trying to say, but it seemed really messed up that a mere human being would be so idolized and adored and worshipped. 

So like 10 minutes later I see this little art gallery that looked really down to earth and had some kind of folk art exhibit going on. 

I walk in and what to do I see but a big painting of the last supper, but all of the heads have been replaced with celebrity heads cut out of tabloids. The caption next to it talked about how we idolize Hollywood and movie stars and often have more passion and interest for them than for our God, our Creator, our Savior.

I couldn't believe it!!! So bizarre. And just what I was rolling around in my head at the moment. I felt stunned and walked around central park thinking about it all. About what just happened, what was really important to me, what life was all about, all that good stuff. I pretty much ended up spending the whole weekend this way. I went to Ellis Island, Ground Zero, Times Square etc., all along the way kinda rolling God around in my mind. 

Both nights i was there I can remember how awesome it was getting back to my room and reading my bible, all alone in the big cozy poofy hotel bed (even though i think i was chain-smoking while i read it, hahaha, an overflowing ashtray on the nightstand) It was very very new to me, something I was actually kind of embarrassed of at the time. I didn't know anybody 'normal' like me who actually read the bible or even believed in it! 

And along the way I had lost my cell phone. Verizon was terrible and for some reason refused to give me a new one because I was out of state. But it was kind of cool that it was just me and my thoughts and the city, otherwise I would have been on the phone most of the time i'm sure.

So my last morning there I woke up really early, just when its starting to get light, in that weird fog where you don't know where you are. There was concrete out my window and i was confused and started to panic. I bolted upright in bed just staring through blurry eyes at the window with concrete on the other side, heart pounding. Then I remembered where I was and knew it was the building across the street.

I walked to the window and looked up between the buildings to the sky just beginning to be tinged with pink. I had this feeling that all those buildings were blocking my view of God's beautiful creation. All of a sudden I just wanted to push them out of the way. And i just wanted to be home. Home on my porch with green trees and green grass and the ability to look out at the rising sun.

I was cured in that moment of my burning desire for NYC. I'm not saying anything is wrong with the city, just that I knew in that moment that MY fulfillment doesn't come from it and never will. I knew that my fulfillment comes from God. And now I never have that 'wish i would have' feeling. That longing, that regret. 

My porch, a hot cup of tea, my baby and husband sleeping inside while I watch the sun rise with God's word in my lap. 

Thats where its at for me. No other place I'd rather be. : )


Proverbs 13:11-13 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."