The Beginning

My friend Chris and I were on a photo shoot in downtown LA. Late one night we were having drinks on the rooftop of the Standard hotel, surrounded by beautifully manicured people and the twinkling of stars and skyscrapers. It was like something you'd see on Entourage. 

In that moment I was totally impressed with our good fortune and our lot in life. I was thinking things couldn't get much better and thought how cool it was to have this for my job. All my hard work had paid off, and I was only twentysomething! I had many years to look forward to this!

To celebrate I proceeded to get pretty drunk. Later someone in our group had the not-so-great idea to share things we've never told anybody before. In my sloshed state I shared stuff I shouldn't have. The next morning I woke up feeling sick and headachey and regretful. But we were actually not going to be working with those people anymore, were picking up with a new crew, so I figured oh well, who cares!

The shot that day was at Universal Studios. It was really cool driving around and checking out all the sets. The new crew we were working with seemed great. Lunchtime came and I was starving. We go into the cafeteria, I get my lunch, and as I was walking back to the table my life changed forever. 

I think I experienced what social anxiety is. I could hear every clank of every fork, every voice, see every mouth moving. I was completely overwhelmed, my heart beating like a caged animal. I could barely breathe. I didn't want to act weird in front of the guys though, especially since I had just met them. I sat down and tried to pick at my food but there was no way I could eat it. Chris was like 'I thought you were starving??'. I said I didn't feel good all of a sudden.

I kept waiting for the feeling to subside, but it didn't. I went through that entire afternoon in a complete panic, just trying to keep it together on the outside. That night Chris asked if I wanted to go back up to the roof and I said no, wasn't feeling good. The feeling wouldn't go away. It was just as strong as when I first felt it. I called Jason crying, saying I didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept trying to sleep but it wouldn't happen. I laid there all night in that stark, cold, modern room with its glass-walled bathroom feeling like I was going to die. I had thought it was the coolest room ever, now I just longed to be on the other side of the country in my own bedroom with my husband.

I called him around 4 am sobbing. I didn't know what was wrong with me, what was going to happen to me. I felt like the rubber band that held my mind together must have snapped or something. I had never heard of an anxiety attack lasting for 16 hours. Was it ever going to stop? Was I going crazy? I imagined myself in a mental institution. And I felt like Jason and my mom were on the other. side. of. the. world. And I am not a fan of flying. The thought of getting on an airplane like this wasn't even thinkable. And the thought of driving in a car or bus for 2 days like this seemed impossible. 

It felt like the end. All hope felt gone. I cried and cried and cried. I prayed to God but I just felt like he wasn't there.

And Chris was leaving the next day. The one person I knew would be gone and I still had to stay another week.

So morning comes and I make myself stop crying to hide the evidence. As we're going down to drive to San Diego to take Chris to the airport he's telling me about the night before on the roof. They have these little pod-type things people can hang out in, he said somebody was actually having sex in one of them. And he said women were swimming naked in the pool and men who worked in the hotel were drying them off. 

I was glad we were leaving.

We stopped to pick up some film and as we walked through the hallway of the building I felt afraid of the air conditioning vents. They made my heart beat faster if that was possible. The hum of them freaked me out. I thought ummm ok, I AM going crazy. My mind truly is unraveling.

Somewhere along the way I broke down and told Chris what was happening. He probably couldn't understand half of what I was saying I was crying so hard. I can remember looking out at the dry desolate landscape we were driving through and saying why isn't God answering my prayers??? Why isn't he helping me??????

We go to the airport and get out of the car and people probably thought he was my husband going off to war, me sobbing and hugging him and not wanting him to leave.

I had decided that after dropping him off I should go to an emergency room and see if they would give me a valium or something. My hotel was pretty close so I decided to go there first and find out where the nearest one was. It had been over 24 hours now and I felt just as terrible as when it first happened.

But the second I walked through the automatic doors of my hotel, the feeling VANISHED!!!!!!!!!! It was a little cozy Comfort Inn type place. The type of place I've stayed with my family on vacation so many times. I felt immediately comforted and relieved. I called Chris and they hadn't taken off yet. I was like "I'm okay! I'm okay!!!" He was like what??! I told him the feeling had vanished and he said he was so happy and had to hang up cause the plane was taking off but he had left on his phone in case I called and was so glad he got the call. : )

I checked in my homey little room and got face down on the ground and thanked God that I finally was rid of that nightmare!! God answers our prayers. Just not always instantaneously. 

Then me and the guys went to eat at some cozy little mom and pop italian joint down the street. I was so happpppppy. : ) And they were all so nice and funny and I felt so much better and was so glad to be away from that freaking Standard hotel. It feels worse to me now than thinking of the Shining hotel. You couldn't pay me to go back there.

And that was not the end of anxiety for me. It was just the beginning. Even on that trip I had a few very short ones. Then after I came home I started having them here and there, and I eventually came to a pretty bad place psychologically. I didn't know when I was going to have an attack, I felt very unstable. And I began feeling very overwhelmed with all I did at work. I often cried on the way there in the morning. I was very unhappy.

I find it interesting though, that my 'big bang' anxiety attack started at a point where I was so taken with the world, with dreams of where my career could take me. 

I guarantee if this HORRIBLE experience hadn't happened, I would have gone down a road of seeking after wealth and career. Thats where I was at in my mind sitting atop that building that night. Picturing myself rolling up to that hotel in some sleek car and expensive clothes to mingle amongst the stars and the twinkling lights and the 'beautiful' people.

But instead it ended up being the beginning of me seeking God, the beginning of him calling me to Him through my gigantic weakness. It did not happen immediately. But I now am so thankful for that horrible experience. I am who I am today because of it. I wouldn't change it for the world!!!

So not that long after I went on another shoot in Vegas with my friend Ryan. I was pretty nervous about going after my horrendous LA experience, but then I found out Jason's uncle who I love dearly was car prep on the trip, and I knew the photographer and producer pretty well and it actually sounded kinda fun. And the majority of the trip really was! But a few times I got this really weird feeling, like I was in this Godforsaken place. All the people feeding their money hopelessly into machines, people handing you the little porn cards as you walk down the street. I saw some guy in a business suit stumble out of a doorway looking all stunned and like he'd been in the suit for 3 days and his eyes all bloodshot and vacant looking.

So one night for some reason I didn't go out with everyone and I felt like an anxiety attack was coming on. I went for a walk on the strip and stopped to sit on the edge of a fountain or something. I was smoking, which cracks me up now! Thinking smoking was going to ease my anxiety! Sure, that nicotines really gonna calm you down and lower your heart rate, haha.

So I'm sitting in a line of at least 30 people, and this totally normal looking guy stops and turns and faces me, and shouts directly at me, looking into my eyes, "F*** Hollywood, F*** Los Angeles, and F*** this Godforsaken place!!!

I was like Alrighty thennnn!!!! My heart started pounded faster. I got up and went up to my hotel room. I had brought my bible but had barely even read it yet. It was The Message, which is a version in very everyday language. Because of what had happened to me in LA I brought it with me.

I just opened it and my eyes immediately went to this passage:

Hosea 14:9 (

If you want to live well, 
make sure you understand all of this.
If you know what's good for you, 
you'll learn this inside and out.
God's paths get you where you want to go. 
Right-living people walk them easily; 
wrong-living people are always tripping and stumbling.


It really really spoke to me. I knew in that moment that I wanted to live right on God's path. I didn't want to stumble around anymore, grasping for something to make me feel alright.

I took a cab to church the next morning! Haha. At the time it was the biggest the church I'd ever seen and was surprised there was quite a few people there!

And I've been getting better about staying on the path ever since. No more anxiety! No more depression. And often just the exact opposite, joy and peace. Sometimes I stray from the path, but never so far that I lose sight of it and can't find my way back pretty quickly. : )

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harmyou, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.