Right There Waiting

Since I got really busy at work early this month I have not been spending much time at all reading God's word or praying. Besides Christmas morning I think I've barely read my bible at all. I usually love getting up early to spend that peaceful, precious quiet time, but I've had no desire. I've just been sleeping in as late as Gianna would let me. 

And man have I felt blah! Totally disconnected from God. 

Especially the last few days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas and had to force myself to straighten up the house. Not that I don't have days like those when I'm spending time with God, but I just felt especially empty. Like I used to. I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch t.v. and live vicariously through other people.  I hardly ever watch t.v. anymore and Gianna didn't like me cutting into her regular programming, haha.

But this morning I woke up with that wide awake feeling at 5 am for the first time I think in weeks. I went into the living room and was praying by the glow of the Christmas tree. And I could just feel God. Can't really explain it, sounds crazy to some I'm sure. But its just a warmth in my heart and a gentle overall comfort. 

And I thanked him for always being there. Always waiting for us to come closer, to come back. We can turn away from him. Make the t.v. a higher priority than him. Not take the effort to kneel down for a moment to the one who has given us all we possess and experience. Live life as if he doesn't really matter at all.

But he is so gracious and forgiving and compassionate and loving that he waits for us with open arms.

So after I prayed for a bit I got up to put on some tea. I grabbed my phone and checked out a devotional I love that I normally read everyday but haven't checked since before Christmas.

The scripture for today was:

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD Almighty." Zechariah 1:3 (NIV)

It is all about what I was just praying about!

Here's an excerpt from it:

God wants us to return to Him. He stands waiting with open arms, at the ready to return to us. When He sees us coming, He runs to meet us. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20b, NIV).

You can read the whole thing here: http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

(the entry for Dec. 30th)

So after this I did my study on David which I also haven't done in well over a week. And today's happens to be about David and his son Absalom who he'd been estranged from. And the author in talking about this goes into the story of the prodigal son, as mentioned in the verse above from the devotional! 

You can read the entire passage here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15%3A11-32&version=NIV

Here's an explanation of the passage I just googled:

The father is a picture of the Heavenly Father. God waits patiently, with loving compassion to restore us when we return to him with humble hearts. He offers us everything in his kingdom, restoring full relationship with joyful celebration. He doesn't even dwell on our past waywardness.

It brings to mind the good old Richard Marx song, lol. 

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. 

Thank God  : )

I have good news and bad news.

The worst of the bad news I won't share here but some family members I love very much are going through a horrible time right here a week before Christmas. 

And the other bad news is the last couple weeks I have pretty much felt like the old days at work and have massive amounts of work to do. I spent little time with Gianna last week cause I worked late or brought work home.

I have not been too upset about this because I am hopefully, if all goes well, about to have 12 days off. 12 days to spend with my baby and my husband and my God! I have barely read my bible and spent little time in prayer the last 2 weeks. I am feeling a bit dry and weary. 

I am hoping things go smoother in the new year because I cannot live like this on a regular basis anymore. Especially not with a 2 year old who loves her Mama.

And I honestly could skip the Christmas celebrations this week because I've never had it so not feel like Christmas before. It may as well be June or February.

Haven't watched any Christmas movies or baked any cookies and I bought a huge pile of Target giftcards for presents and just made a quick trip to Toys R Us with my mom to get some stuff for Gianna.

BUT, despite how I am feeling right now in my circumstances, there IS good news.

Luke 2:9-11 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

We humans are so fickle. God did great and mighty miracles for the Israelites and days later when their circumstances weren't ideal they forgot and doubted and didn't trust God anymore.

I have to admit that over the last couple weeks I find myself wanting to doubt. Especially with reading little of God's word and spending little time in prayer with him, I feel disconnected. I find myself looking at some of the hard circumstances around me and beginning to doubt and question God and his goodness. It is easy to focus on the bad, focus on all that is wrong in the world and want to blame God.

But I am forgetting all that I have experienced myself and seen others experience! Forgetting all that I have read in his word. Amazing that even in a fleeting moment I could ever forget how he saved my heart and my soul and my mind from such despair. 

How he put a new song in my mouth and gave me a firm place to stand.

He is my savior. In more ways than one. And people can scoff at him and make sarcastic baby Jesus comments about him on Facebook all day long. They haven't experienced or invited his power or his peace in their lives.

He is everything we need in every situation. He is the greatest of all gifts! 

Philippians 4:4 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

The most obvious reason to rejoice is he has paid the penalty for all we've done wrong and secured us eternal life.

But there's so much more. My pastor went over this list (much more in detail) on Sunday:

He shapes our days.

He secures our future.

He stands by his promises.

He satisfies our longings.

He stays by our side.

He strengthens us in our weakness.

He supplies our needs.

He shepherds us in every circumstance.

He sympathizes with us in our difficulties.

He saves us from our failures.

Amen!

I am so grateful for Him. For His birth. For His death. And for him raising up from it.

He has defeated our worst fear and will help us through all the others.

Merry CHRISTmas!  : )

Strength

The last few days have been pretty intense for me at work. My awesome co-workers have been hugely helpful, but wednesday and thursday were super intense preparing for a big meeting. It was the constant feeling of oh-my-gosh-I-have-to-get-this-done-right-now. All day long. Plus phone calls and emails that need attention constantly coming through.

I'll admit that a few times I felt close to panic. I'm just not built for this stuff anymore! I used to sometimes get a high from accomplishing these crazy tight deadlines. Not so much anymore. God did give me blessings here and there throughout that gave me relief at the point of crying. A hug from my friend Debbie in the kitchen. Connie doing shotlists for me. An encouraging email from a friend. Bryan making things clear for me. Jerome driving me all the way to the meeting and back to my car even though it was out of his way and he could have went straight home. (I was too frazzled to drive after the mad dash creating the comp). And my husband having the house amazingly clean when I got home and saying we were going out for dinner. 

But still at the end of each day I felt like a wet noodle. 

So yesterday morning with the big meeting behind me for the moment, I thought I would have a few moments of relief, take it easy, let my mind rest a little. But emails and phone calls and questions and realizations of things I needed to be on top of smacked me in the face as soon as I sat down at my desk.

Its stuff that I had enough hours in the day to deal with, but I just felt like I couldn't keep up the pace. I needed to veg. Talk about the the weather or Christmas shopping or something stupid with people by the coffee machine. But that wasn't happening. I wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed. And the feeling didn't go away all morning. I said quick, half-hearted prayers as I worked.

At lunch I really wanted to just cry and get it out and say a few heartfelt prayers. But I had a meeting at 1:30 and didn't want to come back with a red face and eyes. My sister lives about 10 minutes away so I thought I could go touch up my face if she was home, and say a prayer with her.

I called her and said are you going to be home in 10 minutes? And she said 'I can be if you want me to be!'

So I had a good cry on the way to her house. When I pulled up there was another car in the drive and at first I thought oh no who's here!? But then I realized I didn't really care.

When I walked in the door my niece Colby gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Followed by my sister. Followed by her awesome friend Theresa I was glad to see. They had all been ready to go out the door.

They offered me words of encouragement and then we stood in a circle and held hands and they prayed awesome prayers for me. And after they were done I just told God that I needed him to be my strength. I had no mental strength left at the moment. And his word promises us:

Phillipians 4:13  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

And I was definitely at a moment when I needed that strength! And at a moment when I needed to know that I can truly trust in His promises.

Then they all clobbered me with their hugs all at once. And I will always remember that moment. Standing there surrounded by love and sunlight and the beating hearts of beautiful women God has placed in my life.

And in that moment I was refreshed and filled with peace and strength of mind.

And then the cherry on top was my sister gave me her ipod. She is going through a hard time herself and one of her favorite things is her music. But she gave it to me. And all the way back to work and all afternoon I listened to great music singing of how great is our God and his promises and his love and the help he offers us.

I obviously am a bit weak. But in Him we can be strong. And at peace.

Thank God!

"Because You have been my help, I will sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7

(And I have to add at 7:30 now Friday night I am still at peace. I still had and have a ton of things to do. But the peace that settled on me in the midst of the blessing of my beautiful ladies and my loving God is still upon me. I love Him!!!!!!!!!!!! And I love how he uses his people and our circumstances to show and share his love with us.)

Peace and Happiness

The last few days when I look at Tiger Woods it makes me really grateful for what I have.

A lot of us raised in this country think the ultimate success would be to be rich and famous and beautiful. We idolize celebrities. I was told yesterday that over the last year the top 10 things googled were related to celebrities. Not even Obama or swine flu! Celebrities. 

So what happens when we 'make it' and are a rich celebrity, but we're STILL not really happy inside? Still haven't filled that emptiness? Still keep 'looking forward' to things that will make us happy inside but aren't really quite happy at the moment? Its probably a really unsettling feeling. Cause if all "this" can't make me happy, what the heck will????? And you temporarily try to fill the hole with more stuff, could be drugs or a girlfriend or a better wife.

We look for it everywhere but God, the one who created us, gave us life, knows exactly what we need to fill that hole.

Early in my marriage, before I had this change in my life, I can remember going through periods where I wondered if Jason was the right person for me. Wondered if there was one person out there perfectly meant for me and I'd missed them. 

He didn't fulfill all the desires I thought would make me happy. I didn't think he was sweet enough to me, like he had been early in our relationship. He didn't bring me flowers. He didn't bring me little cards for no reason. He doesn't like to do a lot of the things I want to. And I would have times when I focused on these things, focused totally on me, and would become pretty discontented.

James 1:15
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I never really used to get this verse, but I do now and I see it played out a lot. 

Basically we all have the same desire for peace and happiness. On our own without God's help we oftentimes seek to fill that desire with pretty selfish stuff, with sin. Not all the time, but a lot.

And when that sin is 'full-grown' it leads to death. Adultery leads to the death of a marriage. To the death of children's security and often their own hope for their own healthy marriage in the future.

The desire for peace and happiness and often leads to the abuse of drug or alcohol which can lead to the death of relationships and families. The death of peace. And many times, like in my dad's case, the literal death of that person.

Even the desire to validate and entertain ourselves by hashing through the faults of others, gossip, which I've done my share of, can lead to the death of relationships and self-esteem. 

The sin of wrapping up self-worth in career and material things also destroys marriages and relationships with children all the time.

But there is a but! We can be blessed to find that there is joy and fulfillment and peace that comes from God, that isn't dependent upon circumstances or other people.

So blessed to have that emptiness filled!!! And with something that can't be taken away.

My marriage is SO much better since I have been living with God in my life. Its not perfect. We still have arguments. But I do not base the majority of my happiness and fulfillment in him, in our relationship. In fact I am so much happier and peaceful inside having a relationship with God that I naturally treat him better, and as a result he treats me better.

I have been without God truly in my heart most of my life, and now I am with. The difference is of more worth than all the money or trophies in the world.

I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I still do things I shouldn't. I still lose my temper (but wayyyyyy less than I used to).

But overall I am filled. I am not seeking happiness but living it.

And we all can!

The gift of peace and salvation we have been given in God, in Jesus Christ, is above all others. I am so grateful to have had my life and my attitude so beautifully transformed by it.  And my husband's grateful too!

God is good.

: )

Heavenly

I was just thinking this morning as I prayed how awesome God is. A jeweler may be able to make a beautiful ring that sparkles with diamonds, and other people will admire the ring and ooh and ahh and envy it. 

But God created the heavens, he set each star in place as if a diamond in a magnificently glorious setting. Nothing we humans could craft with our tiny little hands could ever even come close to the sparkling majesty of the night sky when you're away from the city.

Then after I was praying I came across this verse, its the verse for the day in the devotional I'm reading:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like the stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.  Phillipians 2:14-16

When we walk in his way and live by his word and hold out his promises to others - literally and in the way that we live - we shine as beautifully as the stars.

: )

Light of the World

Isaiah 9:2; 60:2

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

In my Praying the Names of Jesus book it focuses this week on the name 'Light of the World'.

This has always been one of my very favorite descriptions of God, because I have so clearly experienced why He is called that. 

The author talks about her little girl and how she is scared of the dark and of the thought of monsters. But how cracking her door so a little light from the hall can spill in helps put her mind at rest.

When I went through the worst point of my anxiety and depression it was the darkest time of my life. I felt like a kid in a dark room. Scared, small and helpless. Not sure what to do or what was going to happen next. Controlled by my circumstances. Definitely fearing the worst. 

But knowing and trusting in God and his promises has filled my soul with light. It has scattered all that darkness and misery and fear that hung on me like a wet blanket. I can see the path he has laid in front of me. 

And even when tragedy has struck, when circumstances have taken a turn for the worst, He has been with me. I will never again walk alone in darkness, for his light is there brightly shining.

I am thinking now too of some stories I heard the other night. I got the chance to sit and talk with the missionaries to Africa I wrote about before. They see darkness shattered by light all the time. They were telling us about a man who is one of the police for one of the highest in govt. I can't remember his title, but the group of police directly beneath him are brutal. They will go into a village and rape women just to do it. He said once 30 of these men all took turns raping one woman. 

This man has now became a Christian. His wife did first and was praying for him. She says he even looks different. His dark and evil actions have turned to actions of light and love. And he is sharing the the light he has found with the other men around him and they too are turning away from the darkness.

2 Samuel 22:29-31 (New International Version)

 ²⁹ You are my lamp, O LORD; 
       the LORD turns my darkness into light.

 ³⁰ With your help I can advance against a troop; 
       with my God I can scale a wall.

 ³¹ "As for God, his way is perfect; 
       the word of the LORD is flawless. 
       He is a shield 
       for all who take refuge in him.

Here's the rest of the chapter for today from the book:

In the darkness our fears have a tendency to multiply, failings become exaggerated, challenges seem insurmountable. We need daylight to restore our perspective.

But even the daylight holds its share of darkness. The prophet Isaiah speaks of a world covered in thick darkness. He is talking about the spiritual darkness brought on by sin. Sin, in fact, is pregnant with darkness. It gives birth to famine, war, genocide, drug addiction, child abuse, divorce, petty hatred, and even small-town gossip. Some of us have become so conditioned to the world's darkness that we've begun to call crooked things straight and good things bent. Because of sin and its attendant darkness, even the happiest life ends tragically, in a grave.

But Jesus came in order to recast our "unhappily ever after" endings, to put a stop to what had been a nonstop tragedy. He did this by confronting the darkest of our fears - by taking on death itself. Happily, as St. Paul says, death has been swallowed up in Christ's victory. Darkness has been extinguished by light. In his light we see light.

But still we fear. We tremble before life's substantial challenges - difficult marriages, problems with children, personal weaknesses, illness, financial instability. There are times when we find ourselves walking into the darkness and crying out for the light. When that happens, we need to affirm the words of the psalmist who said to our powerful God:

Psalm 139:11-12 

 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 
       and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
       the night will shine like the day, 
       for darkness is as light to you.

Amen! Our God is what I am most thankful for today. Thankful that he is our light, our lamp, our spotlight in the dark.  Thankful that Christ loved us enough to stand in our place and take the penalty for all that we have done wrong that we may be right before our great and mighty God.

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet 
       and a light for my path.

Healed

I have to start out describing Brenda, an amazing woman from my old church. She is a big, beautiful and wise African-American grandmother. She just exudes kindness and faith and love and warmth and wisdom. I miss her right now, haven't seen her in a long time. Miss her kind, pretty face and her sweet voice.

A few years ago my friend was having some concerns that her child could possibly be autistic. I asked for prayer for him in a prayer group at church. Afterward Brenda called me over to her and told me I needed to put some blessed oil on him whenever I went over there. I asked her where I was to get the blessed oil and she told me to pray over it with Jason. To ask God to bless the oil, knowing that the power isn't in the oil, that its in God, but ask for his presence and anointing to be in the oil. (Those weren't her exact words, but thats the gist of it.)

So that night I researched oil and anointing and blessing with it and I wrote a prayer. I put some olive oil in a plain glass bottle and Jason and I later said the prayer together over the bottle.

I have to admit I never once put any on my friends child. I thought she would think I was nuts. My new faith at the time was a big change for her, and I thought if I go over there with holy oil wanting to put it on her kid she's probably gonna think I'm insane. So I just continued praying for him. 

(and just so you know he isn't autistic)

I did however start putting it on me. I knew we were going to start trying to get pregnant in a few months. So each day when I got dressed I would put a dab on my abdomen and ask God to bless my womb and let me be healthy and fertile and I'd say a little prayer for the baby to come.

I have had a pretty bad chronic bladder problem my entire life. Since I was about 5, I don't think I've gone a month without some degree of bladder infection. I couldn't go two weeks without it giving me some sort of pain/discomfort. As I kid I went in the hospital for tests and they couldn't find anything wrong so I just had to deal with it.

I can remember one day in highschool when I worked at Champs, being in the backroom and being unable to move my bladder hurt so bad. Sometimes each step felt like somebody was jabbing it with a knife.

I have cried in cars feeling like we would never make it to a bathroom more times than I can count. I peed on the George Washington bridge in NYC in a traffic jam.

And of course I couldn't be on antibiotics all the time, so usually I would drink tons of water and flush it out. Which meant going to the bathroom like every 15 minutes. When I first started at a new job it really scared me that my desk was on the opposite side of the building from the bathroom, and it did end up being a horrible painful issue at times.

One of my biggest fears was the thought of getting pregnant. Normal people have problems with their bladder when they're pregnant, I figured I'd be incapacitated. And I was starting to get scared that my bladder wasn't going to be able hold out like that my whole life. I had fears of having to have it removed. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd panic a little thinking about it. 

But I'll never forget the day I pulled in my driveway and it dawned on me that my bladder hadn't hurt in like 5 months. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed before then! I think I am one of the most unobservant people ever. I was about 3 months pregnant.

I wanted to shout to the world that I'd been healed, but I was so scared to tell anyone cause I thought what if it comes back. What if it has something to do with me being pregnant? But as my belly got enormous sometimes in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom I would get down on my knees and thank God from the bottom of my heart for healing me. Sometimes Gianna would kick and it would hurt my bladder. I would never had made it the way I was before.

The first time I got a bladder infection I started to think oh no, maybe I wasn't healed. But it went away and didn't come back! People with healthy bladders get infections occasionally too!

And now its been 4 years!!!  : )

And I had prayed to God many, many times to heal my bladder, but I think I had kinda given up, hadn't done that in a while. But God does things on his time I guess, not ours! 

I think its funny too that right around the time I started putting on the oil I had gotten the name of a urologist cause I couldn't take it anymore. I totally forgot both appointments. The night before I knew I had an appt in the morning, but both times I completely forgot and drove right to work, not remembering until later in the day. I was too embarrassed to call back for a 3rd appointment so I said forget it.

If I had went to that doctor I would have totally thought whatever he recommended had fixed my bladder! I know now I was meant to miss those appointments.

I have tried the oil on my psoriasis and it hasn't worked. I don't think its magical oil that will cure any disease, but I do know that God had a purpose in it for me!

And I am sooo grateful to Him and so happy I listened to Brenda. : )

Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

LOVE

I am so excited to even have this story to tell. I'm actually writing it at night for the first time instead of at 5 am!

If you read my post from yesterday, you'll see that last week I wasn't feeling very connected to God.

On Saturday night I read Psalm 139, and was very touched by it, especially verses 7 - 10, the whole thing really spoke to God's love for us and how he is always there with us, how well he knows us because he created us.

And I wrote yesterday of how I prayed on Sunday night among other things, for him to turn my heart back toward the gospels and Jesus because my focus had not been there, i have just been wanting to read the psalms and the old testament for some reason.

Part of that prayer was to feel Jesus' love like I had in Israel. Especially in Chorazin. We had a lesson there in the ruins of a synagogue where Jesus would have preached. Our guide was telling the story of how Jewish tradition during Jesus time was for a man to make a covenant with a woman before they were married. He would give her a glass of wine and say 'this is the covenant....' and he would promise to go to his families home to prepare a room for them before coming back for her. They would add on to the families house. And her accepting and drinking the glass of wine represented the acceptance of the covenant, a promise that she would be faithful to him and wait for him to return for her.

I can't remember all the words, but the point was that what transpired was very similar to what Jesus said to his disciples during the last supper before he was crucified.

1 Corinthians 11:24-26 

²⁴and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me." ²⁵In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me."

And:

John 14 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. ³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

So our guide (who was also a pastor) was telling us how clearly the disciples would have understood the connection. And as he told this story all I can say is I just felt love more than I ever have in my life. I was sitting on the ground against a column and I can still see the dark rocks through flowing tears as I had put my head down to hide my face in my knees.

In that moment I felt just how much our God loves us. And it was so sad to me to think how we are always searching and longing for this love, often in places we shouldn't. Many times in adulterous affairs. We all desire that extreme love and fulfillment. Usually we try to fill that emptiness and longing inside of us with everything but God and end up hurting ourselves and others. 

This is a photo I took of the spot: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=800241&id=758804443

So on Sunday night I prayed to feel that kind of love again.

And as I said previously that night after I prayed I came across my Praying the Names of Jesus book. I love that book and haven't thought of it in a long time. And that first chapter referenced Psalm 139 I had been drawn to the day before.

And now tonight I went to church and it was absolutely awesome. It was all about forgiveness and God's love for us. 

A man told a story of a girl who had run away from home, ended up a prostitute on the streets of detroit, and then later took a bus home to Traverse City, fearing her parents wouldn't accept her. But they and other family members were waiting with open arms.

As he told that story it struck me how much God loves us. If we as parents love our children so much and would forgive them just about anything, how much more does our Father in heaven love us? He created us! 

It was not the same as Chorazin, but the tears flowed and I felt very very loved and grateful.

And then after communion we celebrated the amazing grace and forgiveness and salvation we have in Christ. I was in my socks cause my shoes hurt, and the music was fast and alive and I felt like I was at a wedding dancing around in my socks.

So I thought the night was an answer to prayer and my tank was full. As I was leaving I went to check the mailbox to see if I had a letter from my penpal. 

I didn't, but I had something else so precious its unbelievable to me. 

It's a white pearl bracelet with white beads spelling the words 'Be Still, Let God' on it.

My friend Karen now makes them and gives them out to people. The very first one she had made for herself and ended up giving to me on our way home from Israel. 

This is in her words, as I found in the mailbox with my replacement bracelet tonight at church:

"I was blessed to travel to Israel and before coming home a friend was consumed with worry and fear about boarding the plane. She asked that we sing worship songs to calm her down. I warned her that was not my gifting but she asked me to sing with her anyway. I sound like a cat with its tail trapped in a door so my singing did not provide the calm she so needed. We had our son back and he was with us (part of why she had made the bracelet for herself) so I gave her my bracelet and told her of how it reminded me of God's Word and how He was in control. It calmed her and provided her a way to comfort her sister-in-law with God's word and the bracelet when her father-in-law had taken his life a week later..."

I had given the bracelet to Jason's sister one morning after their Dad had committed suicide. I told Karen I had passed the bracelet on and she was going to make me another. I think she did a long time ago but I never knew where the mailroom was back then and never ended up getting it. 

But I got it tonight! It was in a pretty little envelope tied with a gold bow, along with some pretty scripture cards, one of them being Psalm 139, another being Phillipians 4:6-7, the 2 verses I mentioned in my blog yesterday, before I had received this special little package tonight.

I prayed for our God to let me feel his love as I had in Israel and he has answered it so faithfully. And quickly! The most outrageously and specifically being this bracelet that had comforted me in Israel 2 and a half years ago. 

And there is one little thing she added to it. A little red heart. A bracelet all white with now a little red heart.

Love love love love. LOVE. 

♥!

Dryspell

Everything I have written prior I have clearly felt on my heart. I have never sat and thought about what I should write, I always have woken up with it clearly on my mind.

But its been a week and I haven't had anything to say! 

And I'm pretty sure I know why too. I haven't felt as close to God as I normally do this last week. My Faith is still strong, but I haven't felt as connected as I normally do. I know that Faith isn't all about feelings, but when I am spending time with God I do feel connected to him and it is the best feeling. 

I have been busy at work and tired at night and haven't been getting up early and have really neglected my time spent with God, praying and reading his word. 

I have found to stay preciously strong in my relationship with God it is a daily thing. Just as you have to take a shower each day to stay clean. What if you didn't brush your teeth but once every 3 days? Your mouth would get all junked up and nasty and stinky.

And look at how often we eat. At least 2 or three times a day we feed our stomach. Spending time with God is food for our soul. The more we feed our spirit the stronger it becomes.

On Sunday night I became overwhelmed for a moment with a few things. One of them being the thought of a really huge project starting at work. (How funny that my last post spoke of how easy things have been for the last 10 months!) And the other was simply my messy house. It was a mess again and my bedroom especially was a disaster zone and I was tired and didn't have the energy to clean. And there were a couple of other little things and I actually started to cry.

So I got down on my knees to pray because God tells us :

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every thing, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

(I learned this one well in the days I was battling anxiety!)

And another thing I prayed after I went over the things that were bothering me was that I have been stuck in the old testament. I love the Psalms. They are so poetic and beautiful and full of such awesome promises. But I find lately thats all I feel like reading. I haven't even felt like reading the gospels, which are all about and contain the words of Jesus, and he especially should be our focus!

So after I prayed I felt better. I thought about how helpful everyone at work is being with this crazy project, and I am just going to trust that God will make a way for me to continue to be home at night with my precious little family.

And I had renewed energy and started cleaning. First I straightened up the house and then I tackled my bedroom. And when I was almost done I found a book under my bed that I love and haven't thought of in a long time.

Its called Praying the names of Jesus! It is a daily devotional that goes through the different names of Jesus and includes scripture related to them and ways to pray through them. I put on my pj's and my cozy christmas lights I read by and had some awesome precious time with my God before going to sleep.

The first week focuses on the name Emmanuel and how it means 'God with us'. And in that first day was this verse, which I had just noticed and loved and underlined in my bible the day before:

Psalm 139:7-10 

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit? 
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there; 
       if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn, 
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 
       your right hand will hold me fast.

He is there. He is with us. Even if we don't feel like it. Even if we haven't called upon him in a while, he is there, waiting to answer our call!

 

Trust

This is a hard one for me to write! It really opens me up to show my past stupidity.

Its gonna be a long one too, I really see no way to shorten it. I want to document this amazing story anyway, so really even if no one reads that's okay too  : )

Not really sure where to start, but I guess I'll start with Jason and I have created a financial TRAINWRECK for ourselves. All through our twenties we thought credit cards were just free money I guess. We went out to dinner all the time, went on vacations, even once went on a 10 day trip through California, yep, all on credit. We were completely braindead.

I'd say about 5 years ago it really started to hit me, the trouble we were in. Tens of thousands in debt. I'm sure that's enough to make some people's hair curl. 

It also was around the time I was really beginning to have my anxiety issues. I actually never thought about it till now, but I'm sure that was part of it!

And, as you may know, that also was around the time I sought God's help and experienced his life-changing power in my life.

After some time as I began to listen to more and more great bible teachers, I was hearing about tithing. I didn't even know what it was at first, but it is giving first to God, for all that we have is from him. Giving 10% to him, as in the bible people were commanded to. He ALSO promises to give you back even more, but that is a HARD thing to trust in. Growing up it was never really a thought to give more than a handful of dollar bills at church. Maybe a five. But a few hundred? Whoa!!!!

10%! At first I was like oh my gosh, thats crazy. But then I started thinking, when something is on sale for 10% i think why even bother. When I get a coupon for a restaurant for 10% off your bill it kinda irritates me, that doesn't even cover the tip! 10% in comparison to 90% is scraps.

And then I've always grown up hearing people say, oh, the church just wants your money. Well, the church does need money to exist. Its not some magically free-standing organization. 

And I love my church so much. I have learned so much at my church, have received so much encouragement and hope. It is my refueling station each week. It is precious to me. I have met great faith-filled people there. I am grateful from the bottom of my heart that God has given me a church my child will love! I hated church growing up! It was a chore. Learning about God should never be a chore, and I am so blessed to have found a place that will teach my child the greatness of God in a way that she will actually want to be there hearing it!!!

And thats just my local church. The church as a whole, when its working right, is the hope of the entire world. Like the congo people I wrote about each day being rescued from horror. And people like me who were lost in a pit of darkness.

I thought its funny that I am willing to pay hundreds a month for a car, but so automatically averted to the thought of contributing to something so much more precious and valuable in my life.

And then there was the credit card debt. How can I give generously when I have all that debt??? Surely God doesn't expect me to give when I have to pay off all that debt, right? 

I have to say to that there are 'prosperity' teachers and whole churches, like the Word of Faith movement, that preach tithing so that you will get more. They tithe with the intention of making more money. Like God is a bank with interest. 

I wanted to tithe to honor and obey God and to contribute to the wonderful faith and the wonderful church that is priceless to me! And I just prayed that God would help us to stay where we were as far as paying our bills and help us to eventually work our way out of debt, which would definitely be hoping for a miracle I guess.

I began praying about it. And I slowly worked up to tithing on my income, not Jason's. Half of it to my church, and half to Christian organizations that help people in need and preach the gospel around the world. 

Not long after I was tithing, I got all 0% credit cards. I hadn't been able to get any balance transfers beforehand. On several thousands of dollars, thats a HUGE savings. I am horribly ashamed to say over the past few years they are not 0% anymore, but that's my fault.

My brother-in-law also sent my sister and I on a trip to Israel. $4,000 each. A trip I would see advertised at church and think how awesome it would be to go, but maybe someday farrrr down the road. 

I got to go absolutely free.

My sister and brother-in-law also gave us all $1200 for Christmas. They gave us all money a few years in a row and had never done that before.

Our pipes in our basement started leaking in several spots once. I was really worried. We live in a very old house and I figured that would be an expensive mess. In the middle of the night I made Jason get up and pray with me. I can remember sitting there in the dark, heartfully pleading with God, and our pipes were fine the next day. There's one little spot that leaks slightly when you shower, but it seems harmless.

People gave us everything we needed for Gianna when I was pregnant. A beautiful crib, a dresser, and the stuff we needed to buy ended up coming out of the 1200 Greg gave us. 

And there are tons of more little things. But I'll tell you, you can't outgive God and he always provides for us.  

And oh! One of the biggest ones! I was always so worried about daycare and had no idea how we would pay for it. Its like a thousand dollars a month! And we ended up not having to pay for it because my mom said she'd do one day, Jason's mom said she would too, and my sister watches her on Fridays, and I'm home on Tuesdays, and Jason on Wednesdays.  : )

Then I lost my job last December. On the way to work that morning I was praying and crying for God to let me have more time with Gianna somehow. I was just at a point where it was breaking my heart to leave her each day. 

I walked into work and got let go an hour later!

When I walked in the door my mom was over and she immediately was all upset-looking. We live paycheck to paycheck. Too long without a job and we'll lose everything. But I told her she needed to chill out, that I was not gonna get upset, cause I knew God had something better in store for me! And I hung onto that. 

And it ended up being 6 of the most favorite weeks of my entire life, with my little baby.

When i found out I could go back to my previous job though I cried tears of sadness. I worked many hours and very hard there. I couldn't imagine doing that again. Couldn't imagine neglecting Gianna. She is all about Mama.

But I have found it has really changed there! And now I work from home on Tuesdays, have a shorter drive, and work for a company that is actually growing, and one of the better-surviving car companies. And at a place where a lot of the people are like family and I have favor with my bosses.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We still were not doing a very good job of getting out of debt though. We had no budget, and no plan. At the time I lost my job I really began praying for our finances and for Jason to have the same desire as me to get out of debt. To be willing to sacrifice. I felt like I was praying for a miracle cause I couldn't see any of this happening.

But God is greater than our circumstances!

Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class came to our church and once-again generous Greg paid for us to take it, IF Jason would commit to it too, and he did!!!!

And Dave Ramsey, a millionaire financial advisor, recommends to give first. When making your budget, have giving at the top of your list.

Jason, after seeing the blessing that had come from my giving, actually said that he was willing to trust God and tithe on his money also!

And he got on board with the budget! I NEVER thought I'd see the day.

And now, with giving more than ever, we are finally getting OUT of debt. We have knocked off a pretty big chunk, and we haven't used a credit card in almost a year. 

After our upcoming tax returns we will be even farther ahead, and we can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel! 

And God continues to give. This summer our lawn was destroyed by grubs. My mother-in-law pretty much paid to fix it for us even though we protested.

Then our fridge went out. It was operating at like 25%. Our friend in heating and cooling said we needed a new one. I got down on my knees as Jason was on the phone with him and begged God to let his favor be upon us, we were working SO hard and that would be a huge set back.

IT STARTED WORKING AGAIN.

And we only budget like 20 dollars a month for Gianna clothes. I try to find stuff cheap, go to consignment shops. Kinda sucks with all the cute girl clothes out there, BUT, a few weeks ago, I was given a big bag full of very nice adorable clothes from my cousin and his wife. All like new and so cute. And coats and shoes and boots. She will be styling through the whole winter. 

With the Dave Ramsey plan he has you keep a thousand dollars in an emergency fund, so that you don't have to use a credit card when something happens. Last month our fund had gotten low. But we sold a bunch of stuff on Craig's list and I was so happy to fill it back up!

Yesterday I got really upset for a minute cause we're buying out my lease and they won't cover the whole loan for us. We have to come up with a thousand dollars!

I cried! For a minute I actually felt mad at God! Like oh my gosh we just got that filled up and now its gone! How could you let that happen? (eek!)

I sat on the couch with Jason and we prayed. I prayed for God to let me have peace with the issue cause I was so upset.

When we were done, Jason says is that your mom? And my mom walks in the door and sits down with us. I told her what happened and she said, well you'll be able to replace the money in just a few months with your tax return. And she said and at least you have the money, look at your brother who doesn't even have a job right now.

And I was like whoa! Its so funny how it just takes a little perspective. I have much to be thankful for! And if we hadn't sold all that stuff last month we wouldn't even have the thousand dollars we need right now! 

Then she said she had to go, and left just as quickly as she came in. 

Jason laughed and pointed out the fact that I prayed for peace, my mom swooped in and helped me find it, and then swooped out again.

Its so funny how God can give me the world and sometimes the instant things aren't perfectly comfortable for me I begin to doubt or feel like he's not watching out for me. Kinda ridiculous.

And then last night afterward I went to bible study and it was all about trust. 

God has shown up in so many facets in so many ways in my life! I am so very grateful. 

And I do not tell this story to brag about myself, as I think you can see, there's not a whole lot to brag about! God is the only one to be bragged about it.

And I don't tell this to make anybody feel bad for not tithing. God works on us with different things at different times and puts different things on our hearts.

I just think He is amazing. I'm sure a lot of people think I'm overboard, but God has gone overboard in the way he has showed up in my life. I am always wanting to share those things.

And he will do the same in anyone's life who takes the step of truly stepping toward him and his word in Trust.

Psalm 84:12
O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

In the Heart of the Congo

I am so in love with the story of 3 generations of a missionary family right now and how God worked and is working through them. 

My friend Rebekah invited me last Thursday to a free concert to benefit their ministry, which is evangelizing to people in the Congo in Africa. Her boss gave me a book as we were leaving that one of the children in this family wrote about her family and her experience growing up there.

To quickly summarize, in 1938 a man named Laban Smith was a dentist in Grosse Pointe. His wife died suddenly of a brain tumor and he was devastated. He wandered into a little chapel and a woman preacher shared the story of Christ with him. His heart was filled, he was amazed at what he had found, and proceeded to tell everyone that sat in his dentist chair about the salvation and hope he had found in Christ. 

: )

He ended up marrying that preacher woman's daughter, and they ended up moving to the Congo in Africa a few years later to spread the word! He wrote in his journal that he asked God to let him help bring 10,000 souls to know God. About 5 years later this had happened! Sadly he died not long after, and his wife Marcella and 2 boys moved back to Detroit. The ministry continued, and she would go back sometimes for shorter periods. They opened a bible institute for people there to be trained to share their faith with their own people.

Years later their son Jim, his wife Nancy and their 4 children moved to the Congo and they lived there for many years, raising their family there. They are pretty much in the middle of nowhere, 6 hours to the nearest hospital, no decent roads. But miraculously they were able to get a 300 ft. radio tower erected that reaches across 2 countries and shares the love and truth and encouragement and hope of Christ in the native language. They also currently give out little solar-powered radios to people that may listen. And they are also  in the process of trying to build a hospital in this area.

Here are some of the evils thousands of people in Congo have been delivered from:

the darkness of cannibalism

the darkness of various forms of witchcraft

the darkness of murdering through food poisoning

the darkness of child sacrifice

the darkness of worshiping manure

the darkness of visiting cemeteries to call evil spirits out of dead bodies for protection

the darkness of the myriad faces of idolatry

the darkness of trying to please the spirits of their ancestors by dancing 3 days straight

the darkness of offering the poison cup to determine guilt or innocence in that person's life

It's kinda crazy to think that there are still people out there sacrificing children! I always think of that as being something from long ago. And this family is actually SEEING these kind of people transformed by the word of God and the message of Jesus Christ.

They told a few recent stories at the concert I went to. Just weeks ago at an event they were having in the Congo they said 110 police showed up holding huge machine guns. Just by default of being there, they listened to what was preached that day. And at the end 60 of them said they wanted to accept Christ as their savior!

Another story was a handful of police walked into their area and they were very concerned. They knew they must have walked many many miles and wondered what on earth could have warranted their visit. It was simply that they were hearing how people's lives were being changed and they wanted to experience it too!

So awesome. These people give up most of the comforts we are used to here, but I can't imagine the joy and wonder they must experience each day of so closely seeing God's hand at work.

The book also had many very funny stories in it. Like Coca Cola was a rarity, and if they were able to get a case they would ration it out and sometimes the whole family would share a bottle just having a few sips each. But then they got a chimpanzee and it loved the pop and they couldn't hide it from him. She said they hid it in the attic and found him up there sitting surrounded by empty bottles sucking them down, hahahah.

My friend Rebekah is going to have the parents of this family over for dessert soon and asked if I would like to come. You know how after you read a book sometimes and its over you're sad and you wish it was real? I feel like I get to go hang out with the characters in a novel! I can't believe they're actually real, haha. It would be so cool just to hear the stories I'm sure the must have.

For a few days after I went to that concert and was reading that book I can't even explain the feeling of elation I got just thinking of the whole situation. Thinking of all those people being saved from such darkness and horror and hopelessness. 

And all because God chose and gave enough courage to one little family, placing them in the heart of Africa with a desire in their hearts to share what they had found. With people who may never have had the chance of hearing it. 

I feel blessed to be able to give to this ministry, even if it be in a small monthly donation. To help them do the amazing work they do that's impact is so important and so everlasting.

1 John 2:8
Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining.

Romans 8:6 (Amplified Bible)

Now the mind of the flesh [which is sense and reason without the Holy Spirit] is death [death that comprises all the miseries arising from sin, both here and hereafter]. But the mind of the [Holy] Spirit is life and peace [both now and forever].

This is their site: http://labanministries.org/

And the book: http://www.amazon.com/Congo-Vignettes-Stories-Faithfulness-Generations/dp/1933876034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257857415&sr=8-1

(On a sidenote I just have to share that I always wonder if I will end up doing something in Africa someday. When I was Israel, we were in a hotel on the Sea of Galilee. Late one night I was out on my balcony praying. At the end of my praying, and I even wrote this in my journal, I got this very clear picture in my head, like I was looking down on Africa and then zoomed up and away from it, kinda like the Google Earth app, hahah. The landscape reminded me of how it looked in the movie Gorillas in the Mist. I just thought it was kinda bizarre how it came out of nowhere, i was not thinking about Africa or anything related to it. So I guess someday we'll see! I would imagine it would be something much later in life if it is to ever happen.)

Passion

All my life I've had a horrible habit of getting all fired up about stuff. For like 2 weeks. 

As I kid I played the drums, xylophone, and clarinet. For like a month each. 

I've had an ongoing affair with the piano, but I completely lack the discipline to practice regularly. 

I started this year with a rock-solid plan that included practicing piano and drawing at least 15 minutes a day. It lasted maybe 2 weeks.

I also was on an all-natural diet and was telling everyone all about it and how much better I felt. I ate dorito's for breakfast yesterday and wendy's for lunch. Yep.

I start children's books and never finish them. 

We just sold a big scroll saw that was taking up room in our basement. I used it about two times 5 years ago when I was going to get into wordworking, LOL!

I recently became fascinated with Christian apologetics and decided it was my life's mission. It lasted about 6 weeks. (though good did come out of it)

My recent worst offense was when I decided to start praying for God to help me with my eating habits. I lost 20 lbs. So then I trumpeted it to the world on Facebook, but then I quit doing my part and praying. I've gained a lot of it back. I HATE the thought that in my stupidity I could make God look weak in someone's eyes, when I am the one who is being weak and not holding up my end of the bargain!

Oh, when I was pregnant I was totally overboard with the whole natural thing. I was watching videos of hippies having babies in the water on deserted islands. I ended up getting drugs AND an epidural, hhahahahahha.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. I kinda had something else in mind, but right now I'm thinking of my faith in Christ.

It is enduring! 

It has been 4 years I think, and it only grows stronger and more rock solid. So if you think Christianity is just something that people need to make themselves feel better, that its not real, think again! I am the queen of quitters! I would have never been able to stick to this if there were not more to it. I can't even keep my house tidy for heaven's sake. I totally lack discipline.

It is really the only passion I've ever had so far that has not faded, but only grown more intense.

There are a lot of differences between faith and religion. When I had a 'religion', it was a set of beliefs I claimed as my own, kinda by default, but I didn't really live them out. 

But bringing God's word and truth into my heart is where my true faith began. It is like a tree, beneath the surface the roots grow deeper and deeper into my soul as the years go by. On the outside it grows taller and bigger and wider for all to see, and part of its purpose is to offer shade and comfort to other people too. 

And another thing I pray is here to stay is my writing. Using my writing to share God with others. I know it is a gift from God. There is no laboring, no feeling of 'having' to do it. I know when God wants me to share something. I believe thats when I wake up at 4 or 5 am like a lightbulb went on with the story in my head. 

And it is just so enjoyable and satisfying. I am grateful for it. I had moments where I thought who do I think I am sharing all these stories? I almost felt embarrassed for myself, like what an idiot, throwing myself out there on display. But its not about me! Its about God, and sharing what HE does in my life. Showing God what he will do for ALL of us, cause I'm not any more special than you!

God I love God! He is our enduring passion!

I'm sure I'm gonna find other ones of my own making that will burn brightly and flicker out. (May they always be little harmless ones!) You'll probably hear about them. 

But the ones that are from Him will be everlasting!

Isaiah 58:11
The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Psalm 103:17
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-