Jimmy Hendrix

No, not the musician, haha. A 70 year old from Highland Park. This is one of my most impacting experiences of God's hand at work down here in our lives. I've wondered when I would write it. This morning the sound of the wind and the cold air blowing in the window and across the floor where I prayed brought him to mind and I wanted to tell the story. 

I think it was almost 3 years ago exactly. Pastor Harvey Carey came to Northridge to preach. He is an amazing man of God. He pastors Citadel of Faith Covenant Church in Detroit. He was pastor of a very large church in Chicago and left everything behind to start from nothing with just his wife, daughter and one other couple. God had called him to the poorest zip code in Detroit. He knew no one there. Everybody thought he was nuts.

His passion is palpable. He brought everybody to their feet. He really inspired me and I wanted to hear him again and check out his church. So a couple weeks later I went. Amazing place. Great mix of people, everyone so inviting and warm. Young, old, black, white. What heaven should look like!

So the day I go they are passing out bibles in the community after church. It was their last day of doing it, something they'd been doing for a while, had passed out thousands.

I was terrified!!! I had never done anything of the sort and it sounded CRAZY. And down there, in Detroit, some white girl going door to door? But I just had this feeling inside of me like I was supposed to do it. Not everyone was doing it, I could easily have left, but I felt like I didn't have a choice. I walked to the back and they hooked me up with a group to go with. I end up with 3 other white people and an asian guy. GREAT! I thought oh my God we're gonna get killed out there.

They gave us a street in Highland Park.  As we were driving down it my heart nearly beat out of my chest. I had never seen so many abandoned falling apart houses. Could see straight through them. When we parked and got out I felt like I could have nearly have passed out. I thought what the heck am I doing?

But as we started going door to door, everyone was SO kind. Only one person wasn't real friendly, everybody else on the entire street was friendly. I'll bet the response we received was nicer than I would have received in my own neighborhood! One woman invited us in and we chatted and she was a foster mother to 3 beautiful little children, one of them a little infant. 

And then we found ourselves on a porch I remember very well. A man answered the door in a coat and hat, didn't open it all the way, kinda cracked it a little and peeked out, or so I thought. I asked him if he would like a bible and he said he would like one very much but he was blind so he wouldn't be able to read it. My heart broke. I told him I was so sorry. As we walked down the walk away from the house I turned and looked back and can still clearly see the address, 199. It was burned in my mind and I knew in that moment I would be coming back.

My sister and I bought an audio bible and a cd player for him. I asked my husband if he would go back with me to take it to him. He wasn't real happy about the whole idea, but he said yes. 

We knocked but no one answered. As we were walking back to the car his neighbor Glen was walking out to his truck. He asked if he could help us, said that Jimmy wasn't home. I told him we had an audio bible for him. He said wow, he is really going to appreciate that. His wife just died 2 weeks ago and he's having a hard time. (There's God for ya!)

I almost left it with his neighbor, but wanted to deliver it myself, so Jason said he would come back with me. I am way too impulsive and impatient though and the next day I took it to him on my lunch hour. He answered the door all bundled up. I told him what I had and he said that was really nice, but he didn't have any electricity to plug it in. My heart sank for him. I went and got batteries and came back. I asked him if I could come in and show him how to use it and he said yes. 

His house broke my heart. Not only did he have no heat and it was freezing and dark, it was pretty unlivable. I had never seen anything like it in my entire comfortable life. It was decaying and everything he had was old and falling apart. I wouldn't know where to begin to fix it. I honestly don't think it was even fixable.

I put the player on an end table and we sat for a while so he could learn how to use it. I was holding his hands showing him what buttons did what. I wanted to cry. I did when I left. And I think a lot of that evening. As I slept in my warm bed that night I couldn't stand the thought of him freezing over there in that house. I asked my husband if I could take him our down comforter and he said yes. I took it to him along with a ton of those little hand warmer things, haha. Not sure how much you could do with those.

For like a week I felt sorry I had even gone there. I was so troubled by it and there was nothing I could do about it. I called my church sobbing and they directed me to the places I could try and get help for him. THAW, Focus Hope, etc. I quickly learned how there really isn't much help for people. 

I was really praying about it. I could not stand the thought of him freezing all winter. I didn't have the money to get his heat back on, I didn't know what to do. I felt like there was nothing. I decided to see if he would want to go to church. At least I could help him get some encouragement! 

My husband didn't want me going to his house alone so I got one of the guys I was passing out bibles with to go with me. As we were driving down his street we saw him walking. We pulled up and were like Hey Jimmy, wanna go to church? He said yes and got in with us, and we went to church! 

When the offering came around he gave me a $20 to put in. I asked him if he knew it was a twenty and he said yes. At the end Pastor Carey calls people to come up if they feel led to be a member of the church. Jimmy stood up! I walked him down to the front.

Afterward everyone got together in the basement, and Peggy, who was also with us passing out bibles, was telling people the story. Someone came up and gave me a number to call and said they were going to get his heat turned on!!! Lisa from Central Detroit Christian. An awesome organization. 

And then Joseph who I had rode with gave Jimmy a hundred bucks. 

Prayers answered! And his generosity was greatly multiplied and returned to him!

For a while I got other people to get him with me each week, but that got old and I eventually got my husband to let me go by myself. I ended up becoming a member of the church and was there for I think about a year and a half. And I met such amazing people and grew so much in my walk with God.

Jimmys house always bugged me though. Lisa from CDC, who had paid off his heat bill, also organized a clean up of his house once. It was just a one day deal, about twenty of us I think, but it helped some, and then it motivated his son afterward to continue on doing what he could to clean the place up. But it still was just so bad. It always weighed on me to think of him there.

One time after dark Jimmy asked me if I could drive him to his daughters house. I was kinda scared but said yes. I had no idea where we were going. He led me through the city and remembered where everything was. He had lost his sight gradually to glaucoma. He would be like okay, there's a KFC on the right here, right? And there will be a McDonalds up here and make a left. hahaha. Amazing!

After a while Jimmy was coming to church less and less. He would stay at his daughters house a lot. I was so happy when he was there, to know he was in a clean home being cared for. I met a few of his kids and they were very nice. He had an 18 year old son who lived there with him, but I didn't see him a lot. I don't think he was there much. And he had a son in his thirties, Christopher, who was going to fashion school and struggling to get by. He was really sweet and loved his dad and they had the exact same voice.

After I had Gianna I started going to church with my mom and sister at Northridge again. Since my husband doesn't go to church with me it was just nicer to have other people with me when carting a baby back and forth, and was nice to spend the time together. 

When I wanted to go back though, my husband didn't want me to. He's a Detroit police officer. He sees the worst of the worst everyday and I guess I can understand how he isn't comfortable with me and the baby going it alone down there. I do miss it though and miss the awesome people! But I guess things sometimes come into your life for seasons and reasons, and I am so blessed by the time I had there.

I tried going by Jimmy's a few times and tried calling here and there but I never caught him when he was home. Then last thanksgiving I was passing out food baskets from CDC down there with some friends. We had an extra one and I asked if we could take it by Jimmys. I knocked but no one answered. There were a bunch of young guys working on a car in the street that told me Jimmy had passed away 2 weeks before. 

It might sound bad but I have never been so happy to hear about someone passing away. I know Jimmy is in HEAVEN. He is no longer in darkness. No longer surrounded by decay. No longer walking blindly down woodward to catch a bus in the dead of winter. I know he is at peace and in comfort and joy and seeing things more beautiful than we can imagine!!!

I can't wait to see him again someday. And for him to see me!

The guys that told me were so happy to get the thanksgiving basket. It had a whole turkey and all the trimmings and even dessert. They said they were going to have a little feast with Jimmys son.

That's my God, giving good gifts to his people. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes lifechanging and unforgettable. There's no promise that this life will be without pain, but God does promise to be with us through it. To give us strength. And rest. And hope.

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

2 Samuel 22:29
You are my lamp, O LORD; the LORD turns my darkness into light.

Psalm 118:17
I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

This is the website for CDC. It is a great organization. Truly reaching out to people in need. They have great volunteer opportunities and I'm sure could always use donations:

www.centraldetroitchristian.org

Hidden Beauty

A few years ago I went to Mississippi with my church for Katrina disaster relief. Our group worked all week on an elderly couple's home, their names were Bill and Beth. Beth was a go-getter. Always on the move. Cooking, cleaning, working in yard. Bill was more sedentary and pretty much planted in his maroon lazy boy in the living room.

He was really sweet but seemed depressed and was pretty hard on himself. Anytime he talked about anything from his past he criticized himself, said he didn't do things good enough, didn't provide enough for his family, etc.

His health wasn't the greatest either and he was very afraid of death and pretty unsure of where he was going when it happened. He and his wife were Catholic, but he was very confused and unsure about his faith. Kept saying 'she' would decide where he would go when he died, referring to God as a woman.

Myself and another girl in our group, Shannon, ended up spending all week sitting at Bill's feet talking to him. About God and family, dreams and regrets. I was afraid the rest of our group would get mad we weren't outside doing the physical labor, but they were great and told us it was fine, that what we were doing was just as important.

Toward the end of the week I noticed a little wooden figurine on the tv stand and he said he made it, that he whittled wood. I can't remember what it was but i remember it was really good. He said he had others and asked if we would like to see. We said of course!

He took us in the laundry room off the back of the kitchen and on a high shelf that ran around the whole room were paintings and little figurines. Some of the paintings were really pretty, and the figurines were really cool.

But they all sat collecting dust in this laundry room. We asked why they weren't hanging in the house and he just shrugged. He didn't have the confidence to think they were good enough and got the feeling his wife didn't think they were either. It made me want to cry. 

I saw one that caught my eye. It looked somewhat unfinished but it made me think of a Flamenco dancer for some reason and it had the colors of my bathroom. I asked if I could have it. His eyes lit up and he said yes! Then Shannon said she wanted one too, one with flowers, and another girl Keira picked one out too. He looked sooo happy. I think it made his year.

That night after dinner we shared the painting story with the entire group. The next morning some people from the charity we were working through told us we couldn't accept the paintings. They were really sorry about it but said it was against the rules to accept any gifts and we had to respect that. I went and laid in the grass behind their little barn and cried my heart out. I was so sad for Bill. He had been so excited about us taking them. Now they would just sit in that room collecting dust forever.

Shannon came and found me behind the barn and we prayed together and asked God to make a way for us to have Bill's paintings. Then we went inside to tell him we couldn't take them, that we couldn't accept gifts for our work. He said that was ok, that he would get them to us somehow. At a later time he would send them to us, as a gift from friends to friends, apart from our volunteer time. He told us to write our names on the ones we wanted. So we went back in the little room and wrote on the backs of the ones we wanted. 

On the back of mine is written:

"Flamenco Dancer"

Oil on Canvas

Bill Jones

I look forward to having this painting someday. You have really touched my heart. Love, Jenni

And the other girls did the same, so he had an encouraging message from us all and he knew who wanted what.

His face was lit up and happiness seemed to spill into the room along with the sunlight. Then Keira asked Bill if he wanted to truly accept Jesus Christ as his savior and quit wondering and worrying about where he was headed when he died. He said yes without hesitating and we stood in a circle holding hands and we prayed together. Keira said she had never done anything like that before and had surprised herself.

Sometime after we left I sent them a self-addressed fed ex box and he sent me the paintings. Sadly I ended up losing touch with the other girls. Keira away like a week after we got back and I'm not sure about Shannon. All of our paintings sit in my closet. But he doesn't know that! I am going to finish the one I picked with my Flamenco Dancer vision, and it will be a painting by both of us. I need to stop being such a procastinator. Someday i will get frames on them and hang them. I might be 50 by the time I do it, but I will!

(So I just now went and looked at the back of the paintings, and look what Keira wrote:)

Dear Bill,

If this picture never reaches me, I will always remember how your heart and soul are like your paintings - pure, graceful, full of life, and made with love. I love you so much and I will start my new Christian life because of you. Love, the one helped you get to the golden gates, Keira. : )

I am going to try and find them and get their paintings to them. 

On our last day there, it was evening and the sun was setting and we were all hanging out on the porch talking and taking pictures together. Bill told me then that in everything we do we affect one another. And he said that we had changed him forever and he would never forget what we had done for him and his wife. 

All of us would not have been there if weren't for God. I wouldn't have been doing anything close to such a thing if it hadn't been for God showing up in my life.

God is good.

Psalm 80:19 

Restore us, O LORD God Almighty; 
       make your face shine upon us, 
       that we may be saved.

 

A Heart of Compassion

The last couple days I've been doing a study that has focused on a story in the old Testament. I don't remember reading it, and am surprised I have never heard it preached or talked about. 

It is about the love and mercy which King David showed to a poor crippled man named Mephibosheth. It has really touched my heart and is such a beautiful story. 

2 Samuel 9:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20samuel%209&version=NIV

Before David became King, he was in a fight for his life with the previous King, Saul. Saul was the king who started out well but then turned away from the Lord. He not only stopped following the Lord, but he plotted to get rid of David, the Lord’s anointed king. Thus there was alienation and enmity between David and the dynasty of Saul. As a member of the deposed house of Saul, Mephibosheth deserved nothing from King David. 

However, David had been best friends with Jonathan, Mephibosheths' father and Saul's son. Jonathan had died some years prior, and David decided he wanted to honor him, and asked his servant to find out if Jonathan had any children.

He was told yes, but he is crippled in both feet. Back then it was very shameful to have any kind of physical handicap.  But David did not care. He had him sent for and brought to his palace and pretty much adopted him as one of his own sons. He gave to him land that had belonged to Saul and people to work it. He told him he would eat at his table all the rest of his days. When Mephibosheth was first brought before David he fell before him in fear, I'm sure in a million years he didn't think he had been brought there just because the King wanted to be a blessing to him. 

"Don't be afraid," David said to him, "for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table."

Can you imagine the joy and gratitude when this guy found out why he was there?

This story does two things for me. First it makes me grateful for God's great love and mercy for us. Though in comparison to his greatness we are little broken imperfect people, He chooses to seek us out and love us and invite us to eat at his table all the days of this life and beyond. 

He takes us as we are and loves us and gives all that he is to us. I am so grateful to be like Mephibosheth. And we all are like him! We are all invited to live each day with the mercy and company of God in our lives. That doesn't mean that life will be perfect. Mephibosheth still had crippled feet. But how much better was his life lived with the help and the company of the King?!

Secondly this story inspires me even more to want to reach out to others. It makes me want to have a heart like King David. David at times was one of the very worst of sinners, but none of us are perfect, and not one person in the bible besides Jesus was perfect. 

But David loved God with all his heart. 

And you see that manifested in him in that he just seeks out ways to bless other people, even though he was a great King. He wanted to use all that God had given him to do good for others, not just himself and his household.

Of course we probably can't do this in as grand a way as David, but we can do it in whatever way we are able. And we all are able in some way. Just showing concern for a sad hurting person could make all the difference in the world. 

And many times we are able to do even more if we use what God has gifted us with.

Seek to be a blessing today, and thank God for how you have been Blessed!

Psalm 145:8

The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

Transformation

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you its going to be a butterfly.

I saw the above statement in a video the other day and it really struck me. So true. Who would think a hairy little scooting worm had such a beautiful future ahead? That it would be delicate and beautiful and spend its days fluttering about through the air?

It made me think of another saying I heard years ago that has also stuck with me. That life is like a tapestry. From heaven you can see its beautiful perfection, but right now we are seeing the underside of it. Sometimes its not very pretty, and it often does not make sense to us or seem fair. But it is all working together to make the other side of it perfect and beautiful.

If we trust God through our hardships and do not become embittered, they will make us stronger.

I was blessed to hear a woman speak over the winter about how God is using the bad in her life for good. She had a horrendous childhood. She was abandoned and then sexually abused and impregnated by her foster parent. Her childhood was basically a nightmare, but she now is actually grateful for it.

Grateful? Sounds crazy right? But now this woman's life is devoted to working with women in prison who were sexually abused in the past. She has such passion and compassion for them. Her aim is to comfort them and show them God so they can be healed of the damage done to them. Imagine all the lives and hearts she touches and changes. Can you imagine the fulfillment of having such a God-given purpose?

I look at some of the harder things in my life and can honestly thank God for them now because they produced good in me and made me who I am.

I battled depression a lot of my life, which totally sucked, but I believe it made me a much more compassionate person. I know what it feels like to hurt inside, and I want to help other people hurt less.

And I am sooo thankful for my mind beginning to break down a handful of years ago now. It is what left me with nowhere to turn but to Him. It brought me to my knees and caused me to seek Him as more than a far-off idea or a box to check off on Sunday. And he heard my prayer and put my heart and mind in a beautiful place. And God has not only blessed me so greatly since, but he uses me to bless other people all the time.

Some days I can still be pretttty ugly, but overall God changed me from a little hairy worm just trying to scoot by in the world, to a colorful little butterfly that has the joy of fluttering around with the wind beneath it's wings. And I didn't even see it coming!

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

The Beginning

My friend Chris and I were on a photo shoot in downtown LA. Late one night we were having drinks on the rooftop of the Standard hotel, surrounded by beautifully manicured people and the twinkling of stars and skyscrapers. It was like something you'd see on Entourage. 

In that moment I was totally impressed with our good fortune and our lot in life. I was thinking things couldn't get much better and thought how cool it was to have this for my job. All my hard work had paid off, and I was only twentysomething! I had many years to look forward to this!

To celebrate I proceeded to get pretty drunk. Later someone in our group had the not-so-great idea to share things we've never told anybody before. In my sloshed state I shared stuff I shouldn't have. The next morning I woke up feeling sick and headachey and regretful. But we were actually not going to be working with those people anymore, were picking up with a new crew, so I figured oh well, who cares!

The shot that day was at Universal Studios. It was really cool driving around and checking out all the sets. The new crew we were working with seemed great. Lunchtime came and I was starving. We go into the cafeteria, I get my lunch, and as I was walking back to the table my life changed forever. 

I think I experienced what social anxiety is. I could hear every clank of every fork, every voice, see every mouth moving. I was completely overwhelmed, my heart beating like a caged animal. I could barely breathe. I didn't want to act weird in front of the guys though, especially since I had just met them. I sat down and tried to pick at my food but there was no way I could eat it. Chris was like 'I thought you were starving??'. I said I didn't feel good all of a sudden.

I kept waiting for the feeling to subside, but it didn't. I went through that entire afternoon in a complete panic, just trying to keep it together on the outside. That night Chris asked if I wanted to go back up to the roof and I said no, wasn't feeling good. The feeling wouldn't go away. It was just as strong as when I first felt it. I called Jason crying, saying I didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept trying to sleep but it wouldn't happen. I laid there all night in that stark, cold, modern room with its glass-walled bathroom feeling like I was going to die. I had thought it was the coolest room ever, now I just longed to be on the other side of the country in my own bedroom with my husband.

I called him around 4 am sobbing. I didn't know what was wrong with me, what was going to happen to me. I felt like the rubber band that held my mind together must have snapped or something. I had never heard of an anxiety attack lasting for 16 hours. Was it ever going to stop? Was I going crazy? I imagined myself in a mental institution. And I felt like Jason and my mom were on the other. side. of. the. world. And I am not a fan of flying. The thought of getting on an airplane like this wasn't even thinkable. And the thought of driving in a car or bus for 2 days like this seemed impossible. 

It felt like the end. All hope felt gone. I cried and cried and cried. I prayed to God but I just felt like he wasn't there.

And Chris was leaving the next day. The one person I knew would be gone and I still had to stay another week.

So morning comes and I make myself stop crying to hide the evidence. As we're going down to drive to San Diego to take Chris to the airport he's telling me about the night before on the roof. They have these little pod-type things people can hang out in, he said somebody was actually having sex in one of them. And he said women were swimming naked in the pool and men who worked in the hotel were drying them off. 

I was glad we were leaving.

We stopped to pick up some film and as we walked through the hallway of the building I felt afraid of the air conditioning vents. They made my heart beat faster if that was possible. The hum of them freaked me out. I thought ummm ok, I AM going crazy. My mind truly is unraveling.

Somewhere along the way I broke down and told Chris what was happening. He probably couldn't understand half of what I was saying I was crying so hard. I can remember looking out at the dry desolate landscape we were driving through and saying why isn't God answering my prayers??? Why isn't he helping me??????

We go to the airport and get out of the car and people probably thought he was my husband going off to war, me sobbing and hugging him and not wanting him to leave.

I had decided that after dropping him off I should go to an emergency room and see if they would give me a valium or something. My hotel was pretty close so I decided to go there first and find out where the nearest one was. It had been over 24 hours now and I felt just as terrible as when it first happened.

But the second I walked through the automatic doors of my hotel, the feeling VANISHED!!!!!!!!!! It was a little cozy Comfort Inn type place. The type of place I've stayed with my family on vacation so many times. I felt immediately comforted and relieved. I called Chris and they hadn't taken off yet. I was like "I'm okay! I'm okay!!!" He was like what??! I told him the feeling had vanished and he said he was so happy and had to hang up cause the plane was taking off but he had left on his phone in case I called and was so glad he got the call. : )

I checked in my homey little room and got face down on the ground and thanked God that I finally was rid of that nightmare!! God answers our prayers. Just not always instantaneously. 

Then me and the guys went to eat at some cozy little mom and pop italian joint down the street. I was so happpppppy. : ) And they were all so nice and funny and I felt so much better and was so glad to be away from that freaking Standard hotel. It feels worse to me now than thinking of the Shining hotel. You couldn't pay me to go back there.

And that was not the end of anxiety for me. It was just the beginning. Even on that trip I had a few very short ones. Then after I came home I started having them here and there, and I eventually came to a pretty bad place psychologically. I didn't know when I was going to have an attack, I felt very unstable. And I began feeling very overwhelmed with all I did at work. I often cried on the way there in the morning. I was very unhappy.

I find it interesting though, that my 'big bang' anxiety attack started at a point where I was so taken with the world, with dreams of where my career could take me. 

I guarantee if this HORRIBLE experience hadn't happened, I would have gone down a road of seeking after wealth and career. Thats where I was at in my mind sitting atop that building that night. Picturing myself rolling up to that hotel in some sleek car and expensive clothes to mingle amongst the stars and the twinkling lights and the 'beautiful' people.

But instead it ended up being the beginning of me seeking God, the beginning of him calling me to Him through my gigantic weakness. It did not happen immediately. But I now am so thankful for that horrible experience. I am who I am today because of it. I wouldn't change it for the world!!!

So not that long after I went on another shoot in Vegas with my friend Ryan. I was pretty nervous about going after my horrendous LA experience, but then I found out Jason's uncle who I love dearly was car prep on the trip, and I knew the photographer and producer pretty well and it actually sounded kinda fun. And the majority of the trip really was! But a few times I got this really weird feeling, like I was in this Godforsaken place. All the people feeding their money hopelessly into machines, people handing you the little porn cards as you walk down the street. I saw some guy in a business suit stumble out of a doorway looking all stunned and like he'd been in the suit for 3 days and his eyes all bloodshot and vacant looking.

So one night for some reason I didn't go out with everyone and I felt like an anxiety attack was coming on. I went for a walk on the strip and stopped to sit on the edge of a fountain or something. I was smoking, which cracks me up now! Thinking smoking was going to ease my anxiety! Sure, that nicotines really gonna calm you down and lower your heart rate, haha.

So I'm sitting in a line of at least 30 people, and this totally normal looking guy stops and turns and faces me, and shouts directly at me, looking into my eyes, "F*** Hollywood, F*** Los Angeles, and F*** this Godforsaken place!!!

I was like Alrighty thennnn!!!! My heart started pounded faster. I got up and went up to my hotel room. I had brought my bible but had barely even read it yet. It was The Message, which is a version in very everyday language. Because of what had happened to me in LA I brought it with me.

I just opened it and my eyes immediately went to this passage:

Hosea 14:9 (

If you want to live well, 
make sure you understand all of this.
If you know what's good for you, 
you'll learn this inside and out.
God's paths get you where you want to go. 
Right-living people walk them easily; 
wrong-living people are always tripping and stumbling.


It really really spoke to me. I knew in that moment that I wanted to live right on God's path. I didn't want to stumble around anymore, grasping for something to make me feel alright.

I took a cab to church the next morning! Haha. At the time it was the biggest the church I'd ever seen and was surprised there was quite a few people there!

And I've been getting better about staying on the path ever since. No more anxiety! No more depression. And often just the exact opposite, joy and peace. Sometimes I stray from the path, but never so far that I lose sight of it and can't find my way back pretty quickly. : )

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harmyou, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Gary

2 years ago this month my father-in-law committed suicide. (this was actually written in June)

I was thinking about him today on the way home from work and how i can't believe its been so long now. I miss him.

About an hour ago Jason and I went to the coney island by our house. sitting a couple booths away was the spitting image of his dad. It made my heart beat faster. He got up from his table for a moment and i couldn't believe that he was even the same smaller build, and wearing the same type of clothing. A thin flannel-like button up with the sleeves rolled up and a t-shirt underneath. Same hair. Same mustache.

He was doing the crossword puzzle, kind of looking down his nose through his bifocals, slightly turned away. The warm glow of the hanging lamp looked like the light that would have been falling on his dad had be doing the same thing in his recliner in the living room.

I couldn't stop staring at him. It was sad and wonderful at the same time.

Then I started getting this feeling I get on rare occassions. I believe it is God prompting me. A feeling that I have to do something, am scared too, but know if i don't I'll feel even worse and regret it.

I started giggling cause I knew when i told Jason I was going to go talk to the man he would be horrified. He is so not like that. I told him and he kinda paused, eyes open wider. Tells me thats gonna make him very uncomfortable. I said yeah, how do you think its gonna make me feel? And his back was to him anyway. 

He said ok and I walked over to the guy. 

As soon as i started to speak he took off his glasses and smiled up at me with the kindest face. Just like Gary. : )

He said he gets that a lot, that he looks like people, and he expects it. 

Then I told him my father-in-law had been passed away 2 years now and I missed him and it was really cool just looking at him read his paper and eat dinner.

He tells me he just left a class at Madonna college on helping people deal with grief!

I asked him if he was a Christian and he kinda shrugged and said he was raised Catholic.

I told him 2 years ago my father-in-law dropped off all of my husbands baby stuff - clothes, drawings, teeth, etc., on our porch unexpectedly. He had had many emotional/mental struggles.

I had a feeling that something wasn't right and I said I was going to call him and talk to him about God the next day. Tell him how God had saved me out of a pit of depression and anxiety and darkness.

I didn't call and he ended his life the next day.

I told the man that I wanted to tell my father-in-law that God is real. He hears us, will help us. and loves us all. I didn't get to tell him, but I told the man, Douglas, that Jesus loves him, and he's real.

The man smiled so warmly, said wow, that is so sweet. Thankyou.

Then he told me that tonights class, that he had just come from, was on Suicide. It was about comforting people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one who committed suicide.

God blows me away. He is more real than this chair than I'm sitting on. Than the keyboard I'm typing on.

I love Him. : )

Joyce

A couple Christmases ago I had plans to go downtown with a nearby church to feed the homeless early Christmas morning. Jason sleeps late anyway and I would be home by 10. I'd never done anything like that and thought it would be a special way to spend the morning.

(BTW, I'm writing these stories anyway to put together so I don't forget them, but I have to say that I've really contemplated whether I should post them or not. Only because I don't want to look like I am bragging about ME. I do this to brag about GOD and the amazing things He will do through us if we listen for His voice!)

(I also have a slightly uneasy feeling when I post these things because I know a lot of people probably think I'm too much with the 'God' thing. But its just who I am. If you don't like it don't read it. )

So anyway, I got up and got ready, but as I was praying, the thought of a nursing home came into my head, out of nowhere, really strong.

I went and woke up Jason and said 'I know this sounds really crazy (I think I say this a lot!), but I feel like I'm supposed to go to a nursing home.' And he said, 'well, go to a nursing home then', hahaha.(i thank God that my husband has never once acted weirded out by the huge change that has taken place in me over the last few years : )

So I get in my car and start driving. Never really paid attention to where any were by my house. I said alright God, I guess I'm following you this morning. Guess we're going to a nursing home. 

A couple miles down the road I came to one. Marycrest Nursing Home. I grabbed my bible and started walking toward the entrance feeling pretty nervous. What am I going to say? What am I supposed to do?

I walk in the lobby and find myself face to face with a beautiful life-size statue of Jesus! ha! I didn't even realize it was a Christian place. Turned out to be a Catholic nursing home.

I told the lady at the front desk I'd like to visit anybody who needed someone. She told me to just go on back and find one of the nun's. As i was walking down the hall there was an adorable little woman named Katherine sitting in her doorway. She was 99 years old. Totally with it. I hung out with her for an hour and a half or so. She asked me to take her to the chapel and we said a prayer. I pushed her up close to the manger scene and she said she'd never seen it up close and we just looked at it for awhile.

I came back to visit her about a week later. Then the next weekend I was cleaning my house and looking at this beautiful angel statue my mother had given me. I had this feeling I should take it to her. I also knew my mom would flip if she knew I gave it away!

But I took it and said a prayer to God, that I trusted He would make sure I got that angel back somehow!

When I got there they said Katherine had passed away. I started to leave teary-eyed, but then turned back and asked if there was anyone else who maybe needed a visitor.

They said yes, a woman named Joyce, and directed me to her room. They said she was quite ill, failing kidneys.

I walked in the room and she was watching a movie. She had a tiny little tv at the foot of her bed with a built in vhs player. She seemed a bit cranky to me and initially, as mean as it sounds, not as cute and cuddly as Katherine was. We chatted a little bit though she had a fairly weak voice and coughed a lot, and I gave her the Angel, which she loved.

I ended up coming back frequently to see Joyce and came to love her and find her just as cute. : ) Her daughter and son-in-law were really sweet, but as busy as lives are, they only got there sometimes on the weekend for a little bit.

The nursing home was on the way to work, so most mornings I would run in and give her a hug and smile and be on my way. If i got up early enough we'd say a prayer or I would read from a women's devotional she had.

On Saturdays I'd try to come watch a movie with her. She was all about movies, watched them all day long. Sadly she would sometimes watch the same ones over and over. So I thought i was gonna try and find some old VHS movies for her. Right around that time my neighbor comes over with two big boxes of movies he was gonna get rid of! Those kept her busy for a long time. : )

I watched the Sound of Music with her for the first time. I had never seen it!

As the months wore on she was getting sicker. Some mornings she would be asleep and I wouldn't want to wake her so I would write notes on her Styrofoam water cup that would be on the tray in front of her.

When my belly was growing with Gianna inside she would yell at me to buy maternity clothes, that my pants were too tight. When I finally went shopping for them my first stop was to show them all to Joyce who of course was very approving.

She also shared with me a serious struggle from her life. 5 miscarriages, 4 of them quite late term, like when she was 4 and 5 months pregnant. But she pressed on and gave birth to 3 children! Tough woman.

After 8 months of spending time with her, I was grocery shopping and I got a call from one of the nuns that said Joyce was going to die soon and to please come. I ran home and got my bible, my book of songs we sang in Israel, and grabbed one of my rocks from Israel. That sounds kinda superstitious I know, but my impulse was to grab the rock.

She couldn't really talk, but was moving her eyes and really struggling to breathe. I started singing quietly to her and holding her hand with the rock in between our hands. I mostly sang the songs How Great is Our God and Amazing Grace. 

When I could tell she was about to pass I read Psalm 23, and as I was reading it she stopped breathing and died.

I just sat there in silence for a moment and said a prayer and thanked God her suffering was over. I thought about the fact that some months prior she had changed rooms and I was in the same room where I had first found Katherine on Christmas morning.

I went and got the nurse and before I left I went back and got my angel.. As I walked through the parking lot, angel in hand, I was overwhelmed by the whole experience! : )

I thought my time with Joyce was over, but then i got a call from her daughter asking me to please come to the funeral home.

I got to see all the pictures of her life! She was beautiful! And looked to be quite spunky and full of life. Looking through all her pics I felt SOOO blessed that God had chosen me to be there to hang out with her in the end of her days on earth. 

One of the most important jobs I have ever done or ever will do I am sure!

If we will just genuinely seek Him and spend some silent time with Him, quiet time where we're able to discern his voice, He will use us in amazing ways that will benefit us and those around us.

How Great is Our God?!!!

: )

Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Joy

Here's a pretty quick one.

I was driving home from work last week and feeling pretty blah, trying to figure out what it was in the back of my mind that was making me feel uneasy. I prayed to God to let me feel his peace, to replace my overcast mood with his JOY : )

I stopped at the Kmart by my work to get a bottle of weedkiller. Saw they're going out of business and thought they might be out of it but the lady said oh no, there's some back there. So I walk all the way to the back of the store to see all that stuffs gone! Argh! I trek all the way back through the store and parking lot and go on my way. 

I remembered that 96 has had some construction and went a different way than normal, but couldn't think of any hardware/garden centers on the way. I stopped at an extra-large CVS. Kinda doubted it, thought mayyybe, but NOPE! Of course not! CVS isn't a garden center, duh. Back to the car and getting a little crabbier. Should have just went the couple miles out of the way to home depot, instead of all of this in and out and back and forth.

I remembered there was an ACO up ahead, by my old house. Went in and of course they had it. When I was walking back out to my car there was a man rolling by it in a wheelchair. He's kinda doubled over so you don't see his face but just the top of his black felt wide-brimmed hat, and he's moving very slow.

I recognized him immediately. I had stopped to talk to him once a couple years ago. And I am the worst ever with names, but I remembered his! I said "Steven, is that you??!!" He lifted his head up with the biggest smile and said "Yes!" He was sooo happy I remembered him! I told him I had talked to him a couple years ago and he said he remembered me but didn't remember my name.

I kneeled on the ground by him and talked to him for a little bit. He kinda struggles to talk, but I kept praying to God to let me be able to understand him and it was fine. He asked me how old I was and told me his 50th birthday was next year. I told him he had a black felt hat like my dad who wasn't around anymore and that i had just written a story about it. He like the most innocent child opens his mouth and eyes like reallly?!!!! He is so precious! And he told me actually has 2! : )

I asked him if he knew that Jesus loves him and he said yes! I told him that he is always there and he can talk to him anytime, like he's a person, like how we were talking just then.

I asked him how often he's out and he said all time, until November when it gets too cold. He said sometimes till Midnight! I am going to keep an eye out for him. I'm sure Gianna would make his day. And he makes mine!

As I drove off I was positively giddy. 100% full of joy. My prayer answered in a way beyond my own imagination, in less than an hour, hahaha. And in a way that not only blessed me, but blessed someone else too. Two birds with one stone ; )

I called my sister cracking up laughing saying "God is Good!" To which she immediately responded joyfully, "Oh yes He is!"

: )


Psalm 17:6
I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 66:19
but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.

Comforted

My dad died when I was 21. He lived up north near Cheboygan, and my Mom, brothers, sister and I spent about a week up there before his funeral making arrangements, going through stuff, etc.

Whenever we would go up to visit him I would almost always get up to watch the sunrise over Lake Huron. Even though I was nowhere near trying to walk with the Lord in those days, I still believed. And the closest I'd ever come to truly feeling God's presence was in those glorious sunrises over the massive, perfect expanse of his creation.

So one of those mornings I woke up just before dawn as usual. Normally when I would get up, even when it was still dark, my dad would be sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading. He never seemed to sleep very well. 

But this time he wasn't there. I just stood there for a minute, staring at his absence. All the stuff was there on the table in the dim light of the stove. Newspaper, ashtray, goofy old west magazines, but no Dad. It was so painful, so final. And all I could think was where is he???

My Dad struggled on this earth. He was an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he suffered from depression. And his last years had not been good, he had chosen to go up there and live all alone. He always loved it up there. I think he thought it was gonna finally bring him peace and happiness. To live up north! I think we all have had that dream. That perfect place, if we just didn't have to work, and if we could just live there, well that would be just perfect, right? Well in the end it was his undoing.

And I could not stand the thought of my father being anywhere but at peace. He had already had such a lack of it here. I grabbed a blanket and ran down to the beach in tears.

I laid there in the sand and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I cried out to God to please let me know that my Dad was with Him and at peace because I could not stand the thought of anything else. Since I was little I have believed that Jesus died for our sins. Unfortunately I don't think I gave it much thought, truly appreciated it or tried to walk in his ways, but I believed it. And I did not know if my Dad did. His life didn't show much evidence of it. But hey, neither did mine at the time!

So as I'm laying there crying, the sun starts to come up. And it was the most magnificent display I have ever seen and have yet to see again. All to the left the sky was purples and blues and all to the right oranges and pinks. There were poofy clouds all over the place and imagine if a giant stood up and bumped his head into them, that's what they looked like, kinda like upside down bowls.

The treeline all down the coast looked like it was glowing, so bright green, and behind me there was a storm coming, thunder rolling in the distance, which I love. I kept turning around to peek at that too. The clouds rolling toward me looking so dark in contrast to the brightness of the sunrise. And then it started to sprinkle, and there was a rainbow! I put the blanket over my head and sat there peeking out from under it, this way and that, a big smile on my face, completely surrounded by beauty and wonder and peace. 

I couldn't believe that God did this for me, little old me, the one little speck on the beach for as far as i could see.

I recently heard someone say 'even when you're not walking with God, he's walking with you'. I know he was there with me that morning, thats for sure.

So I sat there just soaking it in for a while, then I jumped up, ran the gravel road back to the house as fast as I could and barged through the door out of breath saying 'Dad's in Heaven! Dad's in Heaven!' I can't remember who was up, but understandably I think they thought I was a little nuts. (I am still trying to learn to this day to not let other people's lack of enthusiasm deflate mine. When someone else hasn't had the same experience, it is understandable they're not always going to share in your joy and excitement.)

There are two tire tracks running up the mini sand dune at the end of the road (they are still there to this day cause I dig them out every few years). The people who lived down the street said everyday my dad would drive his truck down there and just sit, looking out over the lake. He must have done a lot of thinking out there. I hope that he saw the same thing in that lake that I do. God's amazing creation. 

My hope is that in those final moments God was working through the thousand prayers I'm sure my Grandma must have said for her son. And I'm sure my mom must have said too. I hope He was getting to know God, getting ready to go Home.

I can remember what it feels like so clearly to hug my dad. He was big and burly, a coarse beard that drove my mom nuts, always wearing a couple layers of flannels and he had an eye patch and wore a black felt hat. Occasionally he even smoked a pipe, haha. He was such a character. I miss him so much in this very moment. 

And I am so hopeful that I am going to get to hug him again someday. : )




Psalm 116:8-9
For you O Lord have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living..

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Jeremiah 31:13
Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow

Isaiah 49:13
Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Home Sweet Home

In the beginning of my journey about 4 years back now, I was pretty much forced back to church by my anxiety and hopelessness. 

I was raised Catholic but since about 7 or 8 hadn't attended regularly. I am so grateful though that my mom raised me with a basic foundation of knowing that God is there to help me in times of trouble, and that is where I headed.

Going back to church and beginning to get into God's word definitely eased my anxiety, but I still had my struggles with it and a part of the puzzle was still missing. I wasn't completely at peace. I still had a lot of discontentment inside of me.

I wanted my relationship with God to grow closer. I still had this feeling that He was somewhere a little beyond my grasp. Someone to be honored and bowed down and grateful to, but not really mine, if that makes sense. But I didn't know where to start. Besides reading my bible and going to church.

I pretty much forced my Mom and sister to join a bible study with me, but it was very text-book like and dry and none of us stuck with it.

I joined the choir and really enjoyed it and loved going to practice during the week. I joined the parish council if you can believe that and at first it felt good to be serving God, but that became very old pretty quick. Long boardroom meetings about parking lot resurfacings and new signs and budgets. I toughed it out a full year though. 

Then I got pulled into all different kinds of committees and offered myself to design a pretty involved book.

I had gotten myself a full schedule! And was pretty busy at work. 

I can remember one day tearfully praying aloud to God as I drove to church in my little silver focus "I am trying so hard to get closer to you but I feel I like I'm getting farther away from you!"

And I was always praying for God to let me truly 'feel' his presence at church. I had this feeling like if I am truly coming into God's presence I should feel it, or be changed by it or something, but I never felt any different.

(And I do have to say that it wasn't all bad, in comparison to having been living my life with no concern for God on a daily basis, it was good to be on this journey of seeking His presence in my life.)

So one day on my way home from work I stopped at Kmart to pick up a novel. It was Friday night and I was feeling a little stressed and I wanted something to escape to! I was not the pickiest of readers but I could not find anything I wanted. I stood there looking and looking and getting frustrated and finally said forget it, guess I'm not getting anything, and turned to leave. 

Sitting face level on an endcap as I left the book area was a book called In Pursuit of Peace - 21 Ways to Conquer Anxiety, Fear, and Discontentment by Joyce Meyer . I reached out and grabbed it without even slowing down.

I couldn't get home fast enough to start reading it. That evening was awesome. It was the very beginning of summer in our new home. My love affair with my porch was in those first head-over-heels days, haha. And from the start I could tell that book was going to be huge for me. What she had to say was awesome, but the way it helped me to believe in and apply God's word to my life and my struggles was life-changing.

By the time I was done with that book and praying a few scriptures within it regularly that applied to me I felt like a new person. I can remember picturing in my head someone pulling a big, black, ready-to-burst garbage bag out of a garbage can. That's what I felt like God did for my soul! Buh-bye garbage!

I was telling everyone about that book. I bought like 8 used copies and was giving it to all my friends, hahaha. Looking back now I know it wasn't Joyce Meyer's book that had changed me, it was the application of God's word within it and God had begun to transform me.

So a few weeks later I woke up one morning and was about to get ready to go to church and sing in the choir. But I just had this very strong feeling inside of me that I was supposed to go somewhere else. It sounds crazy, but I even had a general sense of direction that it was west, like I was supposed to go that way. 

I called my mom and told her that. She was like What??! She said she didn't really know what to tell me. But then she called back and said she had been to a really cool Christmas play once at a church called Northridge, on M-14 on the way to Ann Arbor.

I looked it up online and saw I only had a few minutes if I wanted to make it on time. I threw on some clothes real quick and ran out the door. That morning is so crystal clear in my memory. I can even remember what I was wearing! A red knee-length skirt with little flowers and a red t-shirt, and it was a beautiful sun-shiney morning.

I pull into the parking lot and was like, what the heck! This looks like a shopping mall! And as I walked through the huge parking lot I was intrigued by the people. Young people! Old people. Black people. White people. There was a few young couples at my church, but there were young guys here walking in by themselves. Regular looking twentysomething guys, by themselves, going to church. I had never seen that before in my life. And there were bikers too. There was a section roped off for motorcycles. Interesting!

So I go in, and into the auditorium?! It was dark and kinda felt like when you go to the movies. Then the music starts. And my tears started. It was like a concert. And I know that is how some people actually criticize it, but it was a concert to glorify God. It sounded like the music I hear on the radio, but it was all for the glory of God. People were singing like they really wanted to and some people were putting their hands in the air towards the heavens.

You know how you look forward to going to a concert? How its fun to sing aloud and the atmosphere is great and its a good time? Thats what this felt like, but instead it was people worshipping God. I wanted to bawl. I couldn't believe such a thing existed. I had no idea! I was so thrilled that God had brought me here and that I could come again!!! I think we should be just as excited about worshiping God as we are about going to see our favorite band!

Then the pastor comes out to talk. They were in a Mythbusters series. The stage was even set up to kinda resemble stuff from the tv show, which Jason and I were totally into at the time. And the myth that day was "Life is a piece of cake." And this pastor talked for like 30 minutes and interspersed some video to further help you understand, and I was captivated the entire time. And it all centered around God's word and how to apply it to your life. And they even gave you an outline and you can take notes and take home what you learned with you. And it totally tied in with my Peace book.

I had a hard time keeping it together through the whole thing. The woman next to me gave me tissues. I felt that piece of the puzzle I was missing being pressed into place. 

I struggled for a while though that it wasn't like the only church I had ever known. That it didn't seem as sacred. I went to both for the rest of the summer. But eventually I only went to Northridge because whether it seemed like traditional church or not, it was apparent that God was using it to show me how to walk closer with him and grow in my relationship with him. And bringing other people my age who loved him into my life. And I LOVED it! I was so excited to go there and worship God and learn how to live each moment of my life according to his will.

My mom was coming with me and liked it, but my sister was still at our old church and she thought I was nuts. She came a few times to check it out but still wasn't really feeling it. And then she came in October, and Pastor Harvey Carey from Citadel of Faith church in Detroit was preaching. And God somehow used that night to change her life. She has been at Northridge since and loves God and his word. Before she had not been walking closely with God at all. 

Both of our lives since have changed and grown tremendously and we are forever grateful. Me and my Sistah : )

So a couple years ago, I was at a wedding at Citadel of Faith church in Detroit, and I see this couple that looks really familiar to me. I kept staring at them and trying to figure it out. 

Then I realized, it was the people I bought my house from!! Tim and Cheryl Witt. After the ceremony I went and talked to them, and find out they know the couple getting married because Tim was friends with Leonard who used to attend Northridge. Northridge!! I'm like you guys go to Northridge!! They said they didn't anymore, but they did before they sold the house I bought, and they said they were praying for whoever moved in to find God!!!

They were praying in my bedroom, for me to find a true relationship with God, before they even knew me! And I wake up in that same bedroom and find my way to their church on a feeling.

There is power in prayer my friends!

Cheryl and I are good facebook friends now, haha. And she even came over for a playdate once and we had the privilege of praying together in this house which was totally awesome!

And then God recently bumped us together in a Walmart parking lot when she was having a very hard day, first father's day without her dad, and we prayed in her car together.

When I was looking for a house, I knew I wanted to live in my neighborhood. I drove all around it each morning before work and dreamed. I knew every house that was for sale by heart and had driven by it 20 times. But when I finally went to look with my real estate agent Lenda (who also lives on the same street where I bought my house and is now my neighbor) she says I have one that I just know you're gonna love. I follow her wondering which one and she pulls up to what is now my home. I had NEVER noticed it before! It was a total surprise. Like a little hidden gem. The only house with a little covered porch in nearly the whole neighborhood. 

As I walked up to it I just had a feeling this was it. It was pretty small, but it just felt right. And it was. It was truly a new beginning. A new life. My destiny just waiting to happen.

: )

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord...

James 5:16
The fervent prayers of a righteous man availeth much.

Hidden Treasure

A couple years ago I was extremely blessed to have been sent on an all-expenses paid trip to Israel. My generous brother-in-law sent my sister Cheryl and I as an amazing gift to her when she was baptized.

I only took about $100 for souvenirs and I wanted to get myself one special item, whatever that may be. I didn't plan on bringing back trinkets for everyone because I didn't want my mind being tied up with who got what and what little piece of junk I still needed to pick up for so and so. 'Someone went to Jerusalem and all I got was this stinking T-shirt', hahaha. Its not like I was going to Disneyland! (Though I couldn't resist a really silly looking camel that I see often sitting in my friend Debbie's cube. A little stuffed one, not real! ; )

I did collect rocks though. Picked a handful at each location. Figured that was the coolest thing I could bring back. From the stream where David got his rocks to kill Goliath, the beach where Jesus called the disciples, etc.

Towards the end of our trip we went to the Herodian in Bethlehem, the ruins of one of King Herod's hilltop palaces. It looked out over the surrounding hills of Bethlehem, was cool to imagine it at night with shepherd watching their sheep under the stars. : ) I wasn't picking rocks here because I don't really care about having rocks from Herod's palace, but on our way down to the bus I reached down and grabbed a decent-sized one and stuck it in my backpack. Nothing special about it, covered in dirt, for some reason I just grabbed it.

So next I thought we were going to Jesus' birthplace, but to my dismay I find out we're going to a big souvenir shop called Johnny's instead. I was really disappointed but tried to be positive and think maybe I was going to find my special keepsake there.

So we all go and file into this shop. The surrounding walls covered ceiling-high with every Holy Land item you could ever imagine. Crosses and nativities and rosaries. Holy water, statues and big beautiful stones. All of us were bumping around the narrow spaces with baskets in hand, voices chattering, hands picking. For some reason I felt uneasy and was becoming increasingly overwhelmed. Everybody was finding all kinds of stuff and I couldn't find one thing I wanted. I started to feel sick.

My friend Andre was standing at the door, not shopping, and noticed my bewilderment. He comes up to me and says in his German accent "Look, this is all I bought," and pulls a simple wooden cross on a leather strap out from under his shirt. I kinda nodded but kept on looking, wanting to buy SOMEthing. Yeah, that's nice Andre, but I know there's something here and I'm gonna find it!

But a few minutes more of the Johnny's jambalaya and my nasty old friend anxiety was starting to well up inside of me. All of a sudden I just had to get out. I set down my basket and headed for the door, tears of I don't really know what actually starting to stream down my face. As I walked by Andre he just said "Let's pray" and followed me out the door.

We stood on the steps out front and prayed. I don't remember the words, but the moment is clearly etched into my memory forever. We were surrounded by merchants selling their wares. Men with purses and scarves hanging from their arms, fluttering and dancing around us, calling out their sales pitches. It made me think of Jesus when he turned over the tables of the merchants at the temple. I just wanted to go to Jesus' birthplace that day, and here I am amongst people trying to sell purses? But as we continued to pray, a perfect peace fell over me, even as I was surrounded by chaos. The power of prayer. : ) (and afterward Andre shared his faith with those guys which was cool too)

So as we're driving away, I pull that rock out of my backpack and wiped it off with a wet-wipe. And to my delight it was beautiful. Smooth sides with sharp edges, yummy creamy coffee colors and one side of it looks like its covered in diamond dust! When you move it around in the light it sparkles!! I popped up to show Andre who was sitting behind me. I was pretty sure I had the coolest souvenir on the entire bus, handmade by none other than God himself!

Part 2, the really good part : )

So the day before we left we were in the old city in Jerusalem. As we were walking down a narrow street I see a little shop that says Torah Scribe, and a sign in the window says 'get your scripture inscribed in Hebrew on parchment paper'. This sounded like the perfect keepsake to me!! I paid attention to where it was because I couldn't stop at the moment.

So during lunch I decided to go back and find it. Kristi, an amazing woman with an amazing voice (she's actually trying out today to sing the national anthem at a Piston's game!) came with me.

We get in there and I told the guy I would like Psalm 91:14-16. He said "You don't want to get 'your' verse?" I was confused but he told me that there is a verse in the bible specifically connected to you according to the the letters in your name.

So he takes my name and does whatever he did to figure it out and tells me that my verse is Psalm 145:3 - Great is the Lord, and most worthy of Praise, His greatness no one can fathom. To be terribly honest I wasn't really feeiling it and felt like I still wanted my fav at the time from Psalm 91.

But Kristi was like that is so you!

I said "It is?"

And she reminded me how the entire trip I'd been bugging her to sing with me everyday, (poor girl!) always wanting to praise him, thinking he is most worthy of praise. : )

So I said ok, agreed on that psalm and we walked back to the group who was still eating lunch.

I sat down at a little cafe table outside the restaurant. I can remember this moment SO clearly. I can feel the warm sun on me, hear the people walking by, picture the small table and my sister to my right.

I put my bible on my lap and opened it to find the scripture the man told me about, verse 3 of Psalm 145.

My bible first falls open to the page I'd been reading every morning on the bus for the entire trip and had held its place with a flower.

It was Psalm 145!!! I had been reading that entire Psalm every morning for nearly 2 weeks and it didn't register when the scribe told me that one verse from it. Never before, and never after have I ever been so drawn to a certain piece of scripture that I returned to it day after day after day like that.

I couldn't believe it! I said "I think I should probably get face down on the ground right now or something", but I just sat there amazed.

So needless to say, I came home with a keepsake that is more special than I ever could have imagined!

I just got it framed recently, though I am such a procrastinator still haven't hung it anywhere.

But what a conversation piece that is going to be!



Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, His greatness no one can fathom!!
- Psalm 145:3

: )

God and the City

Growing up there were three places I dreamed of living. An old Victorian home, a high rise in Chicago or just about anywhere in New York City.

As I grew older the New York City desire outgrew the others. Even though I couldn't imagine leaving my family, after being there a few times and loving the atmosphere and energy, I had such a feeling of longing to live there and a feeling of regret at knowing I probably never would. I really thought it would be so fulfilling to live there. In my mind you'd never get bored or lonely and every day would be full of excitement.

A couple years after Jason and I had been married I bugged him to move there. I asked him to apply with the NYPD and I'm sure i could find a job in advertising there. He wasn't going for it. I gave up but still had those feelings of regret. You only have one life, right?

So right around the time when I was just beginning to seek out who God really was and just starting to read the bible (pretty much in secret), I went on a short business trip in New Jersey. I ended up staying all weekend on my own just cause I wanted to be there and experience it again.

So I checked into my hotel and went outside, not sure where i was heading, just going to start walking. I turn the corner and see the road blocked off and red carpet. Me and a woman next to me with a stroller were wondering what it was. Before we knew it, like a tsunami we were pressed in on all sides with people wrestling each other to get to the railing. I think it was the War of the Worlds premiere. People were crying out, Tom, Tom!! The crowd pushed and squeezed and became tighter. The woman I was alone with a minute before now struggled with me to keep her stroller from tipping over with a little baby in it! A large sweaty photographer was squeezed up against me (kinda like Ben Stiller in the basketball scene in Along Came Polly) and irritated that i wouldn't budge, but we were concerned about the baby getting crushed!

You would think that Jesus Christ was coming down the street. That people were gonna get healed or something. The crowd was in a desperate frenzy just to get a glimpse and I was shocked and irritated and did not want to be there. All of a sudden Tom Cruise is 6 feet in front of me, i'm getting elbowed and shoved by the sweaty photographer, and Tom Cruise is posing with someone and i'm in the background of the pic with i can only imagine a crazy-looking angry face (i'll bet i ruined that picture! photoshop!) I'm screaming, there's a baby over here!!! Tom and his body guard finally heard me and realized what was going on and got the crowd to back away from us.

I squeezed out of the human macaroni salad and walked away feeling really sick. I kept thinking of Jesus. Jesus and Tom Cruise. I wasn't even sure what my mind was trying to say, but it seemed really messed up that a mere human being would be so idolized and adored and worshipped. 

So like 10 minutes later I see this little art gallery that looked really down to earth and had some kind of folk art exhibit going on. 

I walk in and what to do I see but a big painting of the last supper, but all of the heads have been replaced with celebrity heads cut out of tabloids. The caption next to it talked about how we idolize Hollywood and movie stars and often have more passion and interest for them than for our God, our Creator, our Savior.

I couldn't believe it!!! So bizarre. And just what I was rolling around in my head at the moment. I felt stunned and walked around central park thinking about it all. About what just happened, what was really important to me, what life was all about, all that good stuff. I pretty much ended up spending the whole weekend this way. I went to Ellis Island, Ground Zero, Times Square etc., all along the way kinda rolling God around in my mind. 

Both nights i was there I can remember how awesome it was getting back to my room and reading my bible, all alone in the big cozy poofy hotel bed (even though i think i was chain-smoking while i read it, hahaha, an overflowing ashtray on the nightstand) It was very very new to me, something I was actually kind of embarrassed of at the time. I didn't know anybody 'normal' like me who actually read the bible or even believed in it! 

And along the way I had lost my cell phone. Verizon was terrible and for some reason refused to give me a new one because I was out of state. But it was kind of cool that it was just me and my thoughts and the city, otherwise I would have been on the phone most of the time i'm sure.

So my last morning there I woke up really early, just when its starting to get light, in that weird fog where you don't know where you are. There was concrete out my window and i was confused and started to panic. I bolted upright in bed just staring through blurry eyes at the window with concrete on the other side, heart pounding. Then I remembered where I was and knew it was the building across the street.

I walked to the window and looked up between the buildings to the sky just beginning to be tinged with pink. I had this feeling that all those buildings were blocking my view of God's beautiful creation. All of a sudden I just wanted to push them out of the way. And i just wanted to be home. Home on my porch with green trees and green grass and the ability to look out at the rising sun.

I was cured in that moment of my burning desire for NYC. I'm not saying anything is wrong with the city, just that I knew in that moment that MY fulfillment doesn't come from it and never will. I knew that my fulfillment comes from God. And now I never have that 'wish i would have' feeling. That longing, that regret. 

My porch, a hot cup of tea, my baby and husband sleeping inside while I watch the sun rise with God's word in my lap. 

Thats where its at for me. No other place I'd rather be. : )


Proverbs 13:11-13 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."