Thirst

Yesterday Gianna and I went to her friend Madison's birthday party at the Livonia rec center. We had a ball for hours in the pool. As we drove home, it was cloudy and cold and I felt kind of blah. Just a kind of empty, slightly unpleasant feeling. Kind of like I used to feel most of the time, but milder. I came home, put Gianna down for her nap, got my bible and crawled in bed. As I read the words of the Lord I began to feel better. Not just ok, but good, warmed by the light of the Lord. The cold grey of the day fading away.

And I read the words "Blessed is He who hungers and thirsts for righteousness, for He shall be filled."

I just kept rolling those words around in my head, and as I half dozed, the following came to me.

We can't go very long without becoming hungry or thirsty. We need to eat food and drink water very regularly. Just going six hours without and we start to not feel good. An unpleasant feeling causes us to seek out food and water. God made us this way so we don't die or become sick and malnourished.

And I thought hmmm, perhaps when I get those blah, slightly empty feelings, that is totally natural. Not really that something is 'wrong', but that it is hunger pangs naturally inside of me to keep me seeking out God's word and presence. Because whenever I do seek Him as a result, I am refreshed and filled and comforted just as surely as when I'm thirsty and I drink a glass of water my thirst is quenched.

And as I look over the whole of my life. I spent the majority of my days with some degree of feeling empty, depressed, or unsatisfied. And nothing could satisfy it for more than a few hours or a day or so until I was blessed with truly experiencing the awesomeness and power of God 5 years ago.

I think maybe my whole life I was 'hungering and thirsting for righteousness', but I didn't know what I was hungering for, so I kept trying to satisfy that desire with stuff that made it worse.

(And I think I still subconciously try to fill that emptiness with food. Those moments where I just don't feel satisfied, feel a need to 'do something', need something different to make that moment better, and on autopilot I walk to the fridge. And the thought of trying to fill emptiness or hunger meant for God's presence with a big greasy piece of pizza, yikes.)

Jeremiah 2:13
...They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water. 

God is so good. He provides everything we need. And fills our hearts with joy if we are just willing to let Him! And what more do we humans want than joy. We often end up causing great destruction in our lives trying to seek it, when its always right there, in its greatest, purest form.

I feel very blessed to have been shown what I was hungering for : ) Blessed to know that satisfaction is always a page or a prayer or a word away. I pray all my loved ones will come to know the same!

And have to share Psalm 63, the words of King David, which I think go along with this. (And have to share that where he speaks of his enemies who try to destroy his life, I think of the enemies that have tried to destroy mine, such as fear, anxiety, worry, self-defeating thoughts, depression, etc.)

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

 ¹ O God, you are my God,
       earnestly I seek you;
       my soul thirsts for you,
       my body longs for you,
       in a dry and weary land
       where there is no water.  ² I have seen you in the sanctuary
       and beheld your power and your glory.
 ³ Because your love is better than life,
       my lips will glorify you.
 ⁴ I will praise you as long as I live,
       and in your name I will lift up my hands.
 ⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
       with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
 ⁶ On my bed I remember you;
       I think of you through the watches of the night.
 ⁷ Because you are my help,
       I sing in the shadow of your wings.
 ⁸ My soul clings to you;
       your right hand upholds me.
 ⁹ They who seek my life will be destroyed;
       they will go down to the depths of the earth.
 ¹⁰ They will be given over to the sword
       and become food for jackals.
 ¹¹ But the king will rejoice in God;
       all who swear by God's name will praise him,
       while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Part 2: Rome

The inside of my chest feels the way this looks. Glowing warm and sparkling.

For over 10 years this place has been vaguely impressed upon my mind and heart, since I went to Italy in college. Everytime I would see pretty landscaping lighting at night I would try to remember it, and it gave me this feeling, but I couldn't place what I was actually remembering.

A few months ago my friend Lori helped me figure out this was the exact place I was remembering. The ruins of the Roman Forum.

There's so many layers of stuff here I can't even word it. I am just so amazed at whats been coming out of my fingertips, and totally by the power of prayer, the power of God.

Those ruins are such a reminder to me that this life is SO temporary. But a breath. This once thriving empire is now just a decaying shell of something once great. Generation upon generation upon generation has looked upon these same ruins and thought the same things.

Psalm 39:5

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath.


We won't be here for long!


And the top part - the stars - I am so in awe of God when I look up at a starry night sky. Like he placed diamonds in the sky just to amaze us. So beautiful.


But sometimes its hard to look much past this world. It gets in the way.


"Sometimes it seems like God is difficult to find and impossibly far away. We get so caught up in our small daily duties and irritations that they become the only things that we can focus on. What we forget is that God's love and beauty are all around us, every day, if only we would take the time to look up and see them.... " - Matthias


And that little figure up top represents me finally getting to where I can focus beyond the circumstances around me, beyond the world and its 5,000 messages it throws at me every 2 minutes, and see and focus on God, on Christ my Savior. Who was there all along. Who had plans for me even 10 years ago when I stood and looked upon this scene, at a time when I thought I didn't really need him much. He probably didn't even come to mind at the time. But now by his grace I have such peace and hope in my heart that is above the things of this world. They can't steal it away ♥

Whether you believe in God or not, you are looking at the result of much answered prayer. And it gives me such hope, I can't wait to see where God is going to lead this newfound gift! And man does it strengthen my faith. Exciting : )

I listened to this song almost the whole time I was painting this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdtWdUorGAM

Part 1: Visions and Dreams of Sunlit Trees

Over 10 years ago I went to Italy. There were two memories I have strangely carried with me ever since, almost on a daily basis.

One of them was this tree I have never forgotten in Florence. It was early in the morning and I was by myself behind the youth hostel. The sun was hitting the tree and therewas a stone wall behind it. It was so beautful and the moment was perfect and I can even remember what i was wearing. Every single sunny morning since then, I think of that tree when I look at the trees with the sun hitting them.

It sounds weird but it gave me this weird warm feeling, its a good feeling, but a weird feeling of longing for something and I didn't know what.

So now I'll jump to a couple years ago. I was driving to work at Organic in tears. I had the strongest desire to just stay home with Gianna. I was praying and crying and asking God to let me be home more with Gianna and any other children I may have in the future. I walked in to work and got let go about a half hour later.

I was kinda stunned and told my boss what I had just prayed on the way in and he was visibly touched.

My Mom was all worried for us. But I told her to not worry, that I knew this was an answer to prayer and good things were going to come from it.

So I had an AWESOME 2 months home with my baby, and then was welcomed back at Latcha and came back to good friends and am home 1 day a week more (and spend a lot less time driving). And somehow after I went back there, my co-worker Rudy told me he wanted to teach me to paint. I'm not sure how it came up, but I could draw but never had painted anything.

So in two lessons, Rudy taught me how. We were supposed to do more, but got too busy. I've painted probably 5 paintings, but I was really slow and meticulous.

Then the beginning of this year, I decided to start working out, and Jill happened to be back there doing the same. Jill and I have never really talked much outside of work stuff here and there, but we have really grown as friends and had an impact on each other this year. As we were working out one day, Jill was telling me how her husband always wanted her to go to this nondenominational church by their home but she never would go. She told me she had had dreams of walking around the building and peeking in all the windows but had never gone. I encouraged her to go, and they went that weekend, and have been going ever since and the kids love it and it has been a really good thing in their lives.

Months back I went through a spell where I got really sad again about working. I have to work, but I go through these periods where I want to stay home soooo bad. (I have to say since then I think I am over this. I've come to the place where I am grateful for my job, and trust that wherever God has me each day is his plan for me.)

But Jill really encouraged me to keep painting and make these scripture things I do, and to just keep taking steps forward being an artist, and even if it takes a long time, eventually I can be home a lot more with my kids. I've never really had the faith though that I could ever do that. My Mom always has! But I've always kind of blown it off.

Then she says, you're going to paint me a vineyard! I've never bought a picture for my dining room because I want something really special. And I said ok but was NOT confident about it. I've never done any kind of landscape, and I'm so slow. But she seemed to have total confidence I could!

(Also, about 4 months ago, I prayed about my memories from Italy. I felt weird even praying it, but I asked God to clearly show me why I always thought of that tree and the other place, and why they gave me such a feeling, cause it had to be something!)

I needed something to really inspire me to paint the vineyard, otherwise I knew I'd never finish it, so I decided on the tree in front of the vineyard. I did an olive tree for hers, even though I don't think the actual tree was an olive tree. It seemed to go with the vineyard idea though, and I came across this great explanation of the symbolism and analogy and biblical connections between olive trees and family.

It took me a really long time to do the background, mainly just the vineyard rows and little villa. I was really frustrated one saturday afternoon. It was going really slow and it was making me feel hopeless about doing anything with this stuff in the future. The thought of painting the tree and rock wall seemed like it was going to take FOREVER and I was ready to tell Jill sorry but I can't paint this for you. Its so hard to find free time with Gianna. But I got down on my knees and again cried and prayed. I asked Jesus to help me, because I know through him I was created and He gave me this ability and desire to do this! I said Lord, I know you made me to do this, but I can't painfully squeak out one painting every 6 months. Its killing me. And I know I don't have the formal training, but I know I can do anything through you.

I lifted my head, and there was a blank canvas leaning against the wall I had left there days before. I grabbed it and tears still falling, went to the kitchen and started painting and praying. Real loose and fast and I was painting my tree. And that day it came out beautiful!!!!!!! And then I finished Jills the next day!!!!!!!! Just tweaked them here and there over the next week.

The trees have matching hearts. The hearts represent the warm feeling that tree memory has given me over the years, my love for God and Jills family's growing faith and love for God, her love for her family, our new friendship that has meant so much in the last year, the answered prayer that I prayed from the bottom of my heart, and the new hope I have in my heart that I can do something with this gift God has given me, even if it takes a while : )

The woman at JoAnne's, when I went to drop off the painting to get it framed, had a really funny reaction to it. She held her hand over her heart and was like, oh, what is this and who is it for? And why is there a heart? And she dragged her hand back and forth across the wall and had a dreamy look on her face and I told her the story about the prayer and she was like oh my gosh, this makes me feel so.. but didn't have a word for how it made her feel.

And then yesterday, my co-worker Andy, who is a total jokester, walks into Jills office, sees
the painting (not knowing where it came from) and says in all seriousness, "Someone had a vision behind that painting. Thats not just a painting of a pretty place someone saw."

So cool. : )

And today Jill said it sounds kinda crazy, but I think you should incorporate the heart into all of your paintings, like a symbol for your love for God and the gift he has given you!

<3 it!

No Fear!

A few months ago I was waiting for takeout at the Boneyard. There was a woman sitting next to me bouncing her leg nervously and looking frustrated. She was a pretty blonde probably in her late thirties, she looked like she had lived hard. The sun was in my eyes and directly behind her so she was more of a silhouette and I couldn't really look directly at her once I was sitting next to her.

I said "its taking a while, huh?' And she unloaded with restrained fury. She didn't raise her voice but you could hear the venom in it. Every syllable sharply pronounced. "I've been sitting here 15 minutes. My dad is in the car waiting. I am so f-ing mad. I'd like to tell those f-ing people off. I'd like to go f-in slap somebody."

Then she quickly said with sadness in her voice, "I'm sorry. So sorry for my language. And my anger. I really struggle with it. I try to pray about it."

I could sense this struggle, this darkness about her, and I felt compelled to share my faith with her, how it had transformed me, freed me from the big hold anger and depression had had on me. But I was held back by fear.

I just touched her arm and said "I'm so sorry, I will pray for peace for you." And then my food was up, and I was gone. I drove home with such a sick feeling inside of me. If I am truly a Christian, I am to live by the words of Jesus Christ, who I follow! And he tells us to share what we have found!

Here's just one example of his words:

Matthew 5:14-16"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."

I am great about writing out my faith, 'posting my faith', but when it comes to face to face, one on one, I am hiding my lamp under a bowl! More concerned with people thinking I'm weird or too much or saying something wrong than being used by my great God.

So I started praying for God to help me share my faith without fear.

A week or two later I called my friend Brian. We don't talk very often. Sometimes only once every month or so. I said whatcha doing? He said reading. I said watcha reading? "Share Jesus Without Fear."

Hahaha! I was like ok, guess I'm going to be reading that too! They didn't have it at the store so I had to order it.

So I got it and read it. It sounded great, its a series of questions you ask someone, and right from the get go you ask them if you can even ask them questions, if they say no, you don't. Its very unintrusive You don't just throw it at them. Its questions you ask them, and if you get far enough there are like 5 verses you have them read aloud. I don't 'tell' them anything. They share their beliefs, then the scriptures, Jesus words are shared with them, and they're the one to read them.

So a few weeks later I was at my sister-in-laws wedding. Before the reception I had to run to a store and I had the radio on for maybe 5 minutes. The host Robin Sullivan was talking about the book "Share Jesus Without Fear" and they had used it to share their faith in a park in Milford.

I was like hmmm, thats funny. I'm probably meant to read this. But I still could not IMAGINE walking up to strangers to talk to them about God.

Then I ended up friending Robin on Facebook, I love listening to her on the radio. And a couple weeks ago I get an invite to a free seminar in the park on sharing Jesus without fear!

So I went, it was awesome, we praised God to awesome worship music outside, which I LOVE. And they had tons of testimonies. And everyone talking had been afraid at first just like me. They said the majority of people are open to the questions. People like to talk about themselves. And they said you ask people at the end of the questions, "if what you are believing is wrong, would you want to know?" And if they say no and you say ok and walk away, they often are like "Well wait! What were you gonna say?"

This teenage girl said she spoke to another teenage girl who accepted Christ and the girl sat there with her hands on her heart, looking kinda stunned, saying "My heart! My heart feels different!"

I don't know what that instantaneous change feels like. The change in my life was very gradual, but I saw it happen with my sister. In a moment she went from thinking I was nuts, to her hand over her heart telling me she loved Jesus, lol! And saying it like she was even stunned that she was saying it : )

And I know this sounds crazy to people, which is why I was so afraid to go talking to people! I can remember what I used to think of people like this! This is not a popular thing to go out and do!

BUT, I also remember what I used to feel like inside! Empty and sad and depressed, with a big hole in me. Something missing. I looked fine on the outside! But I was not fine on the inside. I needed God. So bad. And I know there are other people, probably lots, like that, walking around me every day.

So yesterday was the day we went to share. At Spicer's Orchard in Fenton. I was on the verge of anxiety at moments earlier in the day.

I prayed all the way out there and had people praying for me. I really prayed for God to hook me up with the right person, you go in pairs.

And I ended up with a girl about my age, and I love her! Totally made a new friend. I drove her home and we talked and have so much in common. And she was so cool how she talked to people. She is the youth leader at her church and she's just so laid back and down to earth.

The first people she took us over to were two girls, maybe early twenties, lots of tats. The one girl had a wicked looking tattoo of a tree coming out of her cleavage. They were so open to talking to us. One of them believed in God and Heaven, no hell, and no Jesus. The other believed in nothing. When we said if you are wrong, would you want to know? And they said no. So we asked if we could pray for anything, and the one who believed in God said her Grandma. So as we bow our heads to pray, the one who doesn't believe in God shuffles forward and bows her head and says "I want to pray too." Interesting!!!

We met another person who was Lutheran and goes to church, but couldn't answer "Who is Jesus to you" She kinda looked baffled and shook her head. She didn't believe in hell, and didn't want to know if she were wrong. Kinda sad, seeing that Jesus is the foundation of Christianity and the whole reason he existed was to take our punishment and save us from Hell. If you don't believe that, thats fine, but to be in a Christian church and not know that means something is really wrong!

And all of the rest of the people we went up to? Believers! Haha! I said, I think God is breaking me in, and I'm sure he was using us to encourage other believers to share their faith. And it was so natural. It was just like walking around having conversations with people. We didn't stick out. I didn't even notice the other people we were with now that I think about it. It was really cool. I had one man tell me he didn't have time for my questions, and that was fine!

So glad I stepped over that line of fear! Pushed past the visions in my head of me walking around like a sore thumb sticking out. I think in the picture in my head I was wearing a pilgrim outfit and clutching an oversized bible in my arm, lol!

My fav was the last girl we talked to. She had short funky purpley brown hair and a couple piercings. When we asked "Who is Jesus to you?" She said, "My Lord and Savior!" Hahaha. Then we stood and talked about God for a while while her kids played.

It was a beautiful evening. : )