Beauty from Ashes

Was just thinking today how blessed I am to have gone through such rough circumstances nearly FIVE years ago now!!!!

When we are going through something, some of us think how could God let me go through this??!!

I can remember being in the middle of an anxiety attack, or laying in bed in the middle of the night with just a heavy oppression and worry pressing in on my chest, thinking why isn't God helping me??? Driving to work feeling mentally unable to cope with all I had to do. Feeling weak. Putting on a good front but crumbling on the inside.

But now I look at those moments as THE most precious moments in my life. The refining moments. I would not be where I am today without them.

I wouldn't want to relive them, and thankfully I know I don't have to relive them again!!

BUT! Without them, I would have never been humbled enough to lay down before my great God and ask Him to heal my soul. To grant me peace. And satisfaction. And strength. And joy.

I'd have continued on in my semi-comfortable way. Seeking satisfaction from things that never fully satisfy but are gratifying for the moment or the day or maybe the weekend.

Psalm 18:16-19 

 ¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me; 
       he drew me out of deep waters.

 ¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy, 
       from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster, 
       but the LORD was my support.

 ¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place; 
       he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Isaiah 61:3 

 ...to bestow on them a crown of beauty 
       instead of ashes, 
       the oil of gladness 
       instead of mourning, 
       and a garment of praise 
       instead of a spirit of despair. 
       They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
       a planting of the LORD 
       for the display of his splendor.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD; 
       he turned to me and heard my cry.

 ² He lifted me out of the slimy pit, 
       out of the mud and mire; 
       he set my feet on a rock 
       and gave me a firm place to stand.

 ³ He put a new song in my mouth, 
       a hymn of praise to our God. 
       Many will see and fear 
       and put their trust in the LORD.

 ⁴ Blessed is the man 
       who makes the LORD his trust, 
       who does not look to the proud, 
       to those who turn aside to false gods. ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]}

 ⁵ Many, O LORD my God, 
       are the wonders you have done. 
       The things you planned for us 
       no one can recount to you; 
       were I to speak and tell of them, 
       they would be too many to declare

Jeremiah 17:7-8 

 ⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, 
       whose confidence is in him.

 ⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water 
       that sends out its roots by the stream. 
       It does not fear when heat comes; 
       its leaves are always green. 
       It has no worries in a year of drought 
       and never fails to bear fruit."

There are tons more precious verses of God's beautiful words in this vein that I could keep posting. I should pull some New Testament verses too.

But I am going to go get in my cozy bed and read them myself before I go down for a PEACEful night's sleep.  

Thanks ONLY to our great Lord! THE one who died for my sins and yours over 2000 years ago today, and is to this very moment, as we speak, all over the world, visibly changing lives and breaking chains and freeing hearts just like mine from despair and hopelessness. 

Infusing them with joy and hope and a satisfaction that is lasting and a future that is bright and beautiful and eternal.

1 Corinthians 2:9

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" —

Love Him!

Music To My Soul

Do you know there is a whole world of Christian music? That is quality and crosses pretty much all genres?

I had no clue. When my sister opened my eyes to this I was so happy. There is good stuff!

Here are few of my fav's if you want to listen to a sample on itunes:

Niyoki - Joy

Tobymac - I was made to love you

Francesca Battistelli - Beautiful Beautiful

My fav fav fav - Need to Breathe - Lay Em Down

I was just thinking about how blessed I am to have this music. To sing uplifting words, especially when starting my day on the way to work.

And I am often singing about a love, a yearning, a satisfaction that is real and attainable! Since I have had a closer walk with God, I am so much less dependent on Jason to fulfill all of my emotional needs. I think daily singing great love songs about the one who created me and loves me and fills my heart just adds to that goodness.

I know there is power in what we profess with our mouths. I believe it has effects on our hearts and our minds. And I believe that we need to feed our spirits! Spending time in God's word, in prayer, and worship feeds our spirit and draws us closer to Him. And just feels so good.

One day last week I was crabby about something. 99% of the time I would put on my music and sing my heart out and feel better by the time I got to work. Whether my circumstances change or not, drawing nearer to God always lifts my spirits.

But that day, I gave in to what I really felt like doing and I called my friend Shanna and ranted all the way to work. And it was the WORST morning I've had in a long time. I just had a down, sick feeling about me all morning.

When I went to change to work out, I got down on my knees and asked God to please forgive me for giving in to my ugly nature and just spewing negative garbage out of my lips which in turn made me feel like garbage. I asked him to lift my spirits. And he did! My workout buddy Jill and I had an awesome conversation while we exercised and I went back to my desk feeling good inside.

It amazes me how God makes every corner of my life better and more blessed.

I think back to some of the old stuff I ran around singing with these lips, and think of the young girls running it out of their mouths and minds and I can't believe it. How about some good old Nelly:

We gon' party like it's yo birthday 
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday 
And you know we don't give a f**k 
It's not your birthday! 

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub 
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs 
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love 
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed 

Ugh! That seems an extreme example, but I was into that kinda stuff!  Used to drive around puffing down cigarettes, sometimes with a buzz, revving my mustang like an a-hole to it!

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Thats fo sho sistah!!!!!! And I am much thankful to now be singing out of these lips God gave me, to just as good of a tune: 

In the morning when I rise I lift my voice to you
I look to you Lord I lift my eyes
I give my day to you
Lord I thank you for who you are and all you’ve done for me
And you make me more than happy
What I have is everlasting

*You give me*
Joy, joy, joy unspeakable
Joy, joy, joy down in my soul

Yay God : )

Grace

(The fonts are a MESS in this entry, and don't have time right now to go through and fix, sorry!)

Right now at my church, we are in a series called More Than Fable. About the parables of Jesus. 'Many think they're just for kids, nothing more than fairy tales. Wrong. They're the source for truths that have changed our world and can change your life.'

This weekend was the parable of the workers in the vineyard. I've heard it before and have 'gotten' it, but it was even clearer to me.

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16)

 ¹"For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. ²He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

 ³"About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. ⁴He told them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.' ⁵So they went.

   "He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. ⁶About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, 'Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?'

 ⁷" 'Because no one has hired us,' they answered. 
      "He said to them, 'You also go and work in my vineyard.'

 ⁸"When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, 'Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.'

 ⁹"The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius. ¹⁰So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. ¹¹When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ¹²'These men who were hired last worked only one hour,' they said, 'and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.'

 ¹³"But he answered one of them, 'Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius? ¹⁴Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. ¹⁵Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?'

 ¹⁶"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

I can identify with those workers that were first. Can you imagine when they saw people who had only been there an hour being handed a whole denarius? They probably thought, wow, we've been here 12 hours!!!!! He's gonna give us a ton!!!!

But they 'only' got the same amount, what they had first agreed to. Not fair would be my first thought!!! But their pay was fair, it was what they agreed to! They just didn't like that the people after them were given a gift of generosity.

But I love how even as they are grumbling against the landowner, he still calls them 'Friend'.  

Our pastor talked about how we often think God owes us something. Because I've been a Christian for 15 years, or I go to church every weekend and give to charity. Because I am a 'good' person compared to that guy over there who murdered someone or stole a car or beat his wife.

The truth is that God doesn't owe us anything, but he offers us EVERYTHING...on His terms.

In the parable above, Jesus says "The kingdom of Heaven is like.."

So if we look at the landowner like God:

He seeks us out. He initiates and makes possible our relationship with Himself. 

Luke 19:10 - For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.

He establishes the terms of our relationship with Himself.

John 14:6 - Jesus answered, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

He continues to invite people into relationship, even those who are forsaken and forgotten (The people who no one wanted or hired by the end of the day. Even though only an hours work was left, he went and invited them and blessed them with the same reward as those who had been there the whole day)

Revelation 3:20 - Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

Those who begin their relationship with God early in life are no more loved or deserving than those who come to God late in life.

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since no one deserves to know or serve God, no one has any room for pride.

Ephesians 2:8-9 - "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.

It is an undeserved privilege  to serve and work for God and his kingdom.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

We need to remember that, no matter how much we do for God or for how long we do it, we don't deserve what God has given us.

We should be as grateful as those last forgotten workers, who by the landowners grace, and generosity and mercy, paid them more than they deserved.

1 Peter 5:5 - All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because "God opposes the  proud but gives grace to the humble."

Receive God's Grace!

Matthew 11:28 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Too Much

I went back and forth so much on my last blog. At one point I think I shared way too much. Not sure how many read it at that point, hoping not too many!

Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, for now just saying I'm sorry if my last blog was TMI. : )

A Beautiful Thing

I am so blown away right now by something God did for me. By how amazingly he answered prayer for me. 

About 2 weeks ago, I prayed to God and asked him some questions relating to sex. I even asked him specifically about a couple things. I had no idea how he would answer me, for I've never seen sex discussed in detail in a Christian context, but I asked anyway.

And I COULD NOT BELIEVE how fast and specifically the answers arrived! 

A friend sent me a link to something unrelated on a website of this church out in Seattle. It was really good, and the pastor is really interesting and young, so I went looking around on the website. In a long list of sermons, one stood out to me called the Peasant Princess. I just liked the name of it. I click on it and it turns out to be a 10 week series on sexuality, love and marriage!!! 

It is all based on The Song of Songs, a book in the bible that is a series of love letters between King Solomon and his wife. It is very beautiful and poetic and intimate.

Just to show you what its like, here's how the book starts out:

² Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— 

       for your love is more delightful than wine.

 ³ Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; 
       your name is like perfume poured out. 
       No wonder the maidens love you!

 ⁴ Take me away with you—let us hurry! 
       Let the king bring me into his chambers.

This is in the bible! And through this book God reveals that within the sacred covenant of marriage, sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and nothing is wrong with it in his sight if it is between the two of you (not including thoughts or images of others).

It is beautiful, and from God, and despite my past actions/experiences, and even if the world corrupts it and trivializes it and abuses or misuses it, it still doesn't change that fact that between my husband and I, it is a beautiful thing! There is nothing shameful or wrong about it. God created it!! (Maybe you already knew that, I thought I did too, but deep down inside I guess a part of me wasn't 100% sure.)

And the specific questions I asked were answered! And after I finished listening to all those sermons, I randomly clicked on another series (called Religion Saves and other Misconceptions), and the first talk answered the one last question I had!

This has fully put to bed some issues and struggles I've had in the past. I feel as if I've been healed. 

I HAVE been healed! Spiritually and emotionally. My soul rejoices. I am so grateful. 

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

And through these talks also I was so inspired to take the time to look prettier for my husband.  Stories were told, one of a guy who's wife never tries to look pretty except when she's going out. She said 'but nobody sees me at home!' And he said 'I do!' and I realized I kinda do the same thing.

And to be an oasis to him, not a nag, which I am many times. Jason comes in the door from a very stressful day and I want him to go do this or how come you didn't do this?!

And I think how our men are constantly faced with images of beautiful, sexy women everywhere they turn. Billboards, tv, movies, magazines. I want him to think of me as pretty and enticing too. I may not be able to look like a Victoria's Secret model, but here I've been going to bed in old t-shirts and jason's pajama bottoms. Yeah baby!!!

And I can't believe just in the last couple weeks, after taking the time to be sweeter, to look nicer, wear some girly pj's and be more affectionate with my husband, how much sweeter he is to me. 

As time goes by I am delighted to find how true it is that God, and his word, are sufficient to meet ALL of our needs! Every single one of 'em. 

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I am so grateful that He is my Counselor, my Father, the Prince that brings Peace to my soul. So grateful to be under his Grace and Love and Forgiveness. The God who is mighty to save me and and correct me and heal me.

He created us! He knows how to fix us. I think sometimes its just that we have to ask.

I cannot imagine where I would be without Him, but I know where I am with Him. In a precious place that seems to keep getting better, even if my circumstances aren't always perfect.

God is amazing!!!!  He blows me away.

: )

The links to the talks I reference:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves

Unselfish Hearts

On Sunday they opened up with a video of members of our church sharing trials and troubles they are going through. They were backlit, so you could only see the outline of their hair and hear their voice.

One woman shared that she has to leave for Afghanistan soon and she has a 2 year old daughter. The daughter's father is not involved in her life which makes it even harder.

Its funny how we relate to the things that are close to our hearts. I'm sure worse things were shared, but all that sticks out in my mind is this. I cried then and have cried since. I can't imagine leaving my precious little girl. Can not imagine the horror of knowing that she wouldn't really understand why I had to leave.

I asked people,' but can they MAKE her go'? Make her leave her two year old?? And thought if they could I would just take a dishonorable discharge. 

And thats why I am not one of the amazing, honorable people in our military.

And it just hit me that there are TONS of people over there who are parents! The sacrifice they are making for our freedom!!!!!!! I know I always knew this, but I guess I never had it truly hit me in the heart. 

We are so blessed that there are so many who are willing to leave behind the most important thing in the world to secure our peace. They know how precious it is to sleep peacefully in a bed with your children snuggled up next to you. Even if their knee is in your side and you're about to fall off the edge, you are still sleeping in peace that you and your children are safe.

And these heroes sleep who knows where and alone and missing their loved ones that we may enjoy ours. God bless them.

And I am so grateful to God. So grateful that he hears us. I am grateful that he has repeatedly and undoubtedly demonstrated the power of his word and the power of prayer in my life. And he even tells us in his word that the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

It is amazing that by his grace he can allow little old me to make a difference. That there is actually  SOMEthing I can do for that mother and her 2 year old. Even if its just taking some time to lift up their hurting hearts to our great God. Asking him to comfort them. Asking Him to let that little 2 year old girl find comfort in talking to her Mommy on the phone or maybe seeing her on a computer. That it would be enough to get her through.

And there are so many thousands more like them! Tonight when you lie comfortably in your bed, or when you tuck in your little ones in the comfort of your home, say a prayer for them. That God would comfort them, give them peace in their hearts. That supernaturally a phone call would fill the longing in their hearts as if it had been a week at home.

Oh my gosh I can't imagine. 

Thank God for their beautiful, giving, unselfish hearts.