Forgiven

In these last few days I've learned how it feels to come before God in repentance. I've asked Him to forgive me for things many times before, but something about this has felt different. I recently went through a few days where I acted horribly toward Him. Felt kind of bitter and angry toward Him about a circumstance I wasn't very happy about.

I was surprised at myself looking back on it. I never thought I would be like that. Then on top of it I chose to do something I shouldn't have done, a choice that did not honor Him or myself, and again looked back on it like oh my gosh, why did I do that?

But through feeling this way it has truly been impressed upon me how BIG his love and mercy are. And I truly understand what his word says in Romans 8:28 -

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Because though it may sound strange, I actually feel hugely blessed in feeling so repentant and humbled. It kinda hurts to be humbled, but at the same time it is a huge blessing.

I feel very aware of my fallen nature. Very aware that though I may do my best to walk each day in a way that honors God, I will mess up, sometimes badly, will act selfishly, and I am no 'better' than anybody else.

And this makes me very aware of God's love and mercy. Of how big Jesus' love for us is, while we are still sinners(!), and how badly I need Him.

His ability and choice to forgive the sins of the entire world, so fully, so purely and completely, with no leftovers or even minute traces of resentment, anger, or bitterness, is something no human could EVER do.

He alone is God. He alone is mighty. He alone has the power to fully forgive and save. He alone would want and choose to love and be close to those who do so much against Him, who ignore Him or turn on Him, get unjustly mad at Him or blame Him, doubt him, yell at Him or tell Him off.

But He is still there with open arms. He is knocking at the door. All we have to do is answer.

I am not sure if this is totally in context with what I'm talking about, but it keeps coming to mind: In the book of Hosea in the old testament, there is a part where God is speaking of the love He will have for those who had turned away from Him. He said He would allure them, lead them, draw them back to Him.

He says "I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people', 'You are my people', and they will say 'You are my God.'

While they were still against Him and honoring other other "gods", He was speaking of when they would be turned back toward Him, when He would be loving them.

Because He is forgiving and loving. And worthy of all praise.

I am so grateful to know Him, to have the eyes to see the beauty of his Words, to be his child, to feel His presence, to be the recipient of his most beautiful gift of Love and Mercy.

To Him be all the glory : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1jVuyOQUwk

Last-Minute Pancakes

There is a cute little diner at the end of my street. I think its been there for decades, probably not the same owners, but I know our friends dad worked there as a kid, so its been there a while.


Gianna and I rode our bike there this morning and had a lovely time. We ended up stopping back in on the way to church and dropped off the following note, some cheery flowers, and the attached pic of her eating her pancakes. The letter I wrote explains why: 


Sunday, July 18th 2010
I just have to share how touched I was at your restaurant this morning.


I have lived in Rosedale Gardens 5 years. I have thought many many times about coming in your restaurant but I don’t know why I never did.


This morning I asked my 2 year old Gianna if she wanted to go for bike ride and have breakfast and she said YES!! So we rode to your restaurant.


I have had a rough week. This morning as I sat in your restauraunt, I thought here is one of those moments of ‘refreshment’. A little gift from God. The song ‘some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’ was playing on the radio.


I have complained a lot this week. Been ungrateful and ignored all I have to be thankful for. Focused on all the negative.


And I realized in that moment, as I sat across from my little girl with her blueberry pancakes, that it was one of the best moments of my entire life and I had so much to be thankful for. I planned to do this every week. Felt excited to think of it as being our little Sunday morning thing. Imagined her growing older each week across from me in that booth.


Then I got up and told the waitress how I’d never been there but loved it and planned to come many more times. And she told me its your last day, that you are closing. I couldn’t believe it. I thought she must be kidding, but she wasn't.


I am so sorry that in this big beautiful neighborhood your restaurant has to close. Perhaps so many like me think about stopping in but don’t. I cried all the way home. Have tears on my face as I write this. I’m just so sorry.


But I am thankful for my memorable morning. I am sure too there is a reason God brought me there on the very last day out of all these years.


I will be praying for what follows for you. God is good. Seek Him first and you can know that all the rest shall be given to you.


God bless and thankyou.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeramiah 29:11


Perhaps someone needed to know someone cared today. Needed to know God cared. I know its not coincidence. Not when for over 1800 days I've lived here and ended up there at the last minute, feeling like the richest woman in the world just to be there eating blueberry pancakes with my girl, then just to find out they're closing in a matter of hours.


I am so amazed at God's timing.

Monday July 19th -
So I think this experience hit home even more when I drove by on my way to work today and saw the building sitting there with sign gone and windows papered over. Once again tears came. I can so clearly remember just yesterday, the sunny morning, got a picture of it in my mind as if outside looking in. Our bike sitting outside, gianna's little pink helmet, she and I in our booth eating our breakfast, having our once in a lifetime moment. And poof, its gone, boarded up, papered over, closed off.

I feel so strongly in my heart a reminder from God of how temporary this life truly is. Think of all of those who are gone that were before us. In what we'll look back on as the blink of an eye, we will be too. Our babies will be grown. Our hair grey. Our lives behind us.

There is only one thing that makes this not bring despair to my heart. The fact that Jesus defeated death that it will not be permanent for those who will just believe! Not the most popular thing to tell people. Probably sounds crazy to some. It used to sound somewhat crazy to me. But I have experienced Him! Have seen the many evidences for the bible, have had my life changed. Myself and many lives connected to mine.

In Awe

This past weekend up north I had the most perfect 4 hours. I keep thinking of them and want to write them down, even though I'm not sure I can really convey it.


Gianna woke up about a quarter to 5 and I gave her some milk and she went back to sleep. I could see through the trees that the horizon across Lake Huron was just beginning to be tinged with orange, the sunrise on its way. I was a little nervous that it was still pretty dark out, but I grabbed a hoodie and my bible and walked the short walk to the end of our tree-lined gravel road and out onto the beach.


As I stood at the waters edge and looked around it took my breath away. It was just so beautiful. In front of me the sky was beginning to lighten and be filled with color, but above and behind me was still a deep dark blue and the moon and I am assuming a planet next to it were glowing SO bright. Even though they don't come close, the pics I've attached are from this exact moment.


And the air around me just felt so calm and peaceful. And enormous. Quiet, beautiful solitude. As far as I could see there was no one on the beach. All the houses set back and dark. Completely alone, yet not alone at all. You know that feeling when you know someone is standing behind you? It was that feeling times 10, but in a really good way.


It felt surreal, like I'd stepped into a painting or a dream.


I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me with the houses being up the beach and the sound of the water, so I felt completely comfortable walking and praying. Thanking God aloud for how awesome his creation is. How absolutely beautiful. No human hands could ever come close in a million years to anything so amazing.


Then as the sun came up I just walked and read aloud my favorite verses, played my favorite worship songs and sang along. It was absolutely heavenly and my heart was overflowing with joy. There seemed to be no sense of time, I couldn't believe it was a couple hours later when I went up to make some coffee. I went back down the beach and got cozy in a chair, at this point with my back to the water facing the trees because the sun was so bright. I prayed through my entire prayer list and then called a friend I haven't talked to in a while and we shared our latest God experiences and by the time I went up to the house it was 9:00!


I can't believe I was down there for 4 hours! Time flies when you're having fun : )


The next morning I tried to get up early hoping for a repeat, but I was too tired, and then yesterday I got up but it was overcast and though it was nice, peaceful quiet time it just wasn't the same. I think it was just a beautiful gift from God, an expression of His love, and not something I myself can make happen.


I think though that there is something special in those moments just before and during the dawn. Not something I can explain or quite put my finger on, but just something you can feel in your soul. Perhaps that is why “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed” (Mark 1:35) and “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16). 


It is soo hard to do, but I am always so blessed when I do it. And it often is when the most amazing things come to me as I pray, such as paintings I've done or things I've written or have been prompted to do for others. Probably too because at that time it is just you and God. Everything in the world hasn't had a chance to pop into your head yet.


Thinking back to the other morning I imagine that also is what was so awesome. I had no other thoughts in my head whatsoever. I was so overcome and in awe of God's creation and presence it was almost as if for that moment nothing else existed and no worry was anywhere near my mind.


And this is kinda off-subject, but I read somewhere the other day that when it says 'to fear the Lord' in the bible, the actual meaning/translation is somewhere closer to 'in awe of.' That it doesn't mean to be scared of God, it means to be in awe of him. Kinda like when Jason and I were standing on the beach at midnight the other evening. The stars were nearly overwhelming and absolutely amazing, and the sky seemed so HUGE and the dark waters in front of us an abyss. And I thought wow, if just standing here on this beach looking at this section of sky is this amazing, just a little crumb of God's creation, imagine coming face to face with God someday himself!!!


There are so many places in the bible where people are faced with God and they fall face-down trembling. And God many times says, "Do not be afraid!" He doesn't want us to walk around being 'scared' of Him. He wants us to be in AWE of Him. I think naturally there does come along some fear with that, like my thought on the beach of how HUGE God is and the thought of teeeeeeny little me standing before Him.


But he says to us "Don't be afraid!" And when we love and are in awe of Him, we have no need to be!