Part 1: Visions and Dreams of Sunlit Trees

Over 10 years ago I went to Italy. There were two memories I have strangely carried with me ever since, almost on a daily basis.

One of them was this tree I have never forgotten in Florence. It was early in the morning and I was by myself behind the youth hostel. The sun was hitting the tree and therewas a stone wall behind it. It was so beautful and the moment was perfect and I can even remember what i was wearing. Every single sunny morning since then, I think of that tree when I look at the trees with the sun hitting them.

It sounds weird but it gave me this weird warm feeling, its a good feeling, but a weird feeling of longing for something and I didn't know what.

So now I'll jump to a couple years ago. I was driving to work at Organic in tears. I had the strongest desire to just stay home with Gianna. I was praying and crying and asking God to let me be home more with Gianna and any other children I may have in the future. I walked in to work and got let go about a half hour later.

I was kinda stunned and told my boss what I had just prayed on the way in and he was visibly touched.

My Mom was all worried for us. But I told her to not worry, that I knew this was an answer to prayer and good things were going to come from it.

So I had an AWESOME 2 months home with my baby, and then was welcomed back at Latcha and came back to good friends and am home 1 day a week more (and spend a lot less time driving). And somehow after I went back there, my co-worker Rudy told me he wanted to teach me to paint. I'm not sure how it came up, but I could draw but never had painted anything.

So in two lessons, Rudy taught me how. We were supposed to do more, but got too busy. I've painted probably 5 paintings, but I was really slow and meticulous.

Then the beginning of this year, I decided to start working out, and Jill happened to be back there doing the same. Jill and I have never really talked much outside of work stuff here and there, but we have really grown as friends and had an impact on each other this year. As we were working out one day, Jill was telling me how her husband always wanted her to go to this nondenominational church by their home but she never would go. She told me she had had dreams of walking around the building and peeking in all the windows but had never gone. I encouraged her to go, and they went that weekend, and have been going ever since and the kids love it and it has been a really good thing in their lives.

Months back I went through a spell where I got really sad again about working. I have to work, but I go through these periods where I want to stay home soooo bad. (I have to say since then I think I am over this. I've come to the place where I am grateful for my job, and trust that wherever God has me each day is his plan for me.)

But Jill really encouraged me to keep painting and make these scripture things I do, and to just keep taking steps forward being an artist, and even if it takes a long time, eventually I can be home a lot more with my kids. I've never really had the faith though that I could ever do that. My Mom always has! But I've always kind of blown it off.

Then she says, you're going to paint me a vineyard! I've never bought a picture for my dining room because I want something really special. And I said ok but was NOT confident about it. I've never done any kind of landscape, and I'm so slow. But she seemed to have total confidence I could!

(Also, about 4 months ago, I prayed about my memories from Italy. I felt weird even praying it, but I asked God to clearly show me why I always thought of that tree and the other place, and why they gave me such a feeling, cause it had to be something!)

I needed something to really inspire me to paint the vineyard, otherwise I knew I'd never finish it, so I decided on the tree in front of the vineyard. I did an olive tree for hers, even though I don't think the actual tree was an olive tree. It seemed to go with the vineyard idea though, and I came across this great explanation of the symbolism and analogy and biblical connections between olive trees and family.

It took me a really long time to do the background, mainly just the vineyard rows and little villa. I was really frustrated one saturday afternoon. It was going really slow and it was making me feel hopeless about doing anything with this stuff in the future. The thought of painting the tree and rock wall seemed like it was going to take FOREVER and I was ready to tell Jill sorry but I can't paint this for you. Its so hard to find free time with Gianna. But I got down on my knees and again cried and prayed. I asked Jesus to help me, because I know through him I was created and He gave me this ability and desire to do this! I said Lord, I know you made me to do this, but I can't painfully squeak out one painting every 6 months. Its killing me. And I know I don't have the formal training, but I know I can do anything through you.

I lifted my head, and there was a blank canvas leaning against the wall I had left there days before. I grabbed it and tears still falling, went to the kitchen and started painting and praying. Real loose and fast and I was painting my tree. And that day it came out beautiful!!!!!!! And then I finished Jills the next day!!!!!!!! Just tweaked them here and there over the next week.

The trees have matching hearts. The hearts represent the warm feeling that tree memory has given me over the years, my love for God and Jills family's growing faith and love for God, her love for her family, our new friendship that has meant so much in the last year, the answered prayer that I prayed from the bottom of my heart, and the new hope I have in my heart that I can do something with this gift God has given me, even if it takes a while : )

The woman at JoAnne's, when I went to drop off the painting to get it framed, had a really funny reaction to it. She held her hand over her heart and was like, oh, what is this and who is it for? And why is there a heart? And she dragged her hand back and forth across the wall and had a dreamy look on her face and I told her the story about the prayer and she was like oh my gosh, this makes me feel so.. but didn't have a word for how it made her feel.

And then yesterday, my co-worker Andy, who is a total jokester, walks into Jills office, sees
the painting (not knowing where it came from) and says in all seriousness, "Someone had a vision behind that painting. Thats not just a painting of a pretty place someone saw."

So cool. : )

And today Jill said it sounds kinda crazy, but I think you should incorporate the heart into all of your paintings, like a symbol for your love for God and the gift he has given you!

<3 it!

No Fear!

A few months ago I was waiting for takeout at the Boneyard. There was a woman sitting next to me bouncing her leg nervously and looking frustrated. She was a pretty blonde probably in her late thirties, she looked like she had lived hard. The sun was in my eyes and directly behind her so she was more of a silhouette and I couldn't really look directly at her once I was sitting next to her.

I said "its taking a while, huh?' And she unloaded with restrained fury. She didn't raise her voice but you could hear the venom in it. Every syllable sharply pronounced. "I've been sitting here 15 minutes. My dad is in the car waiting. I am so f-ing mad. I'd like to tell those f-ing people off. I'd like to go f-in slap somebody."

Then she quickly said with sadness in her voice, "I'm sorry. So sorry for my language. And my anger. I really struggle with it. I try to pray about it."

I could sense this struggle, this darkness about her, and I felt compelled to share my faith with her, how it had transformed me, freed me from the big hold anger and depression had had on me. But I was held back by fear.

I just touched her arm and said "I'm so sorry, I will pray for peace for you." And then my food was up, and I was gone. I drove home with such a sick feeling inside of me. If I am truly a Christian, I am to live by the words of Jesus Christ, who I follow! And he tells us to share what we have found!

Here's just one example of his words:

Matthew 5:14-16"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."

I am great about writing out my faith, 'posting my faith', but when it comes to face to face, one on one, I am hiding my lamp under a bowl! More concerned with people thinking I'm weird or too much or saying something wrong than being used by my great God.

So I started praying for God to help me share my faith without fear.

A week or two later I called my friend Brian. We don't talk very often. Sometimes only once every month or so. I said whatcha doing? He said reading. I said watcha reading? "Share Jesus Without Fear."

Hahaha! I was like ok, guess I'm going to be reading that too! They didn't have it at the store so I had to order it.

So I got it and read it. It sounded great, its a series of questions you ask someone, and right from the get go you ask them if you can even ask them questions, if they say no, you don't. Its very unintrusive You don't just throw it at them. Its questions you ask them, and if you get far enough there are like 5 verses you have them read aloud. I don't 'tell' them anything. They share their beliefs, then the scriptures, Jesus words are shared with them, and they're the one to read them.

So a few weeks later I was at my sister-in-laws wedding. Before the reception I had to run to a store and I had the radio on for maybe 5 minutes. The host Robin Sullivan was talking about the book "Share Jesus Without Fear" and they had used it to share their faith in a park in Milford.

I was like hmmm, thats funny. I'm probably meant to read this. But I still could not IMAGINE walking up to strangers to talk to them about God.

Then I ended up friending Robin on Facebook, I love listening to her on the radio. And a couple weeks ago I get an invite to a free seminar in the park on sharing Jesus without fear!

So I went, it was awesome, we praised God to awesome worship music outside, which I LOVE. And they had tons of testimonies. And everyone talking had been afraid at first just like me. They said the majority of people are open to the questions. People like to talk about themselves. And they said you ask people at the end of the questions, "if what you are believing is wrong, would you want to know?" And if they say no and you say ok and walk away, they often are like "Well wait! What were you gonna say?"

This teenage girl said she spoke to another teenage girl who accepted Christ and the girl sat there with her hands on her heart, looking kinda stunned, saying "My heart! My heart feels different!"

I don't know what that instantaneous change feels like. The change in my life was very gradual, but I saw it happen with my sister. In a moment she went from thinking I was nuts, to her hand over her heart telling me she loved Jesus, lol! And saying it like she was even stunned that she was saying it : )

And I know this sounds crazy to people, which is why I was so afraid to go talking to people! I can remember what I used to think of people like this! This is not a popular thing to go out and do!

BUT, I also remember what I used to feel like inside! Empty and sad and depressed, with a big hole in me. Something missing. I looked fine on the outside! But I was not fine on the inside. I needed God. So bad. And I know there are other people, probably lots, like that, walking around me every day.

So yesterday was the day we went to share. At Spicer's Orchard in Fenton. I was on the verge of anxiety at moments earlier in the day.

I prayed all the way out there and had people praying for me. I really prayed for God to hook me up with the right person, you go in pairs.

And I ended up with a girl about my age, and I love her! Totally made a new friend. I drove her home and we talked and have so much in common. And she was so cool how she talked to people. She is the youth leader at her church and she's just so laid back and down to earth.

The first people she took us over to were two girls, maybe early twenties, lots of tats. The one girl had a wicked looking tattoo of a tree coming out of her cleavage. They were so open to talking to us. One of them believed in God and Heaven, no hell, and no Jesus. The other believed in nothing. When we said if you are wrong, would you want to know? And they said no. So we asked if we could pray for anything, and the one who believed in God said her Grandma. So as we bow our heads to pray, the one who doesn't believe in God shuffles forward and bows her head and says "I want to pray too." Interesting!!!

We met another person who was Lutheran and goes to church, but couldn't answer "Who is Jesus to you" She kinda looked baffled and shook her head. She didn't believe in hell, and didn't want to know if she were wrong. Kinda sad, seeing that Jesus is the foundation of Christianity and the whole reason he existed was to take our punishment and save us from Hell. If you don't believe that, thats fine, but to be in a Christian church and not know that means something is really wrong!

And all of the rest of the people we went up to? Believers! Haha! I said, I think God is breaking me in, and I'm sure he was using us to encourage other believers to share their faith. And it was so natural. It was just like walking around having conversations with people. We didn't stick out. I didn't even notice the other people we were with now that I think about it. It was really cool. I had one man tell me he didn't have time for my questions, and that was fine!

So glad I stepped over that line of fear! Pushed past the visions in my head of me walking around like a sore thumb sticking out. I think in the picture in my head I was wearing a pilgrim outfit and clutching an oversized bible in my arm, lol!

My fav was the last girl we talked to. She had short funky purpley brown hair and a couple piercings. When we asked "Who is Jesus to you?" She said, "My Lord and Savior!" Hahaha. Then we stood and talked about God for a while while her kids played.

It was a beautiful evening. : )

Before and After

I've been into lists lately. Writing down and checking off. Felt like seeing this in one big list. I know occasionally I'll think wow, I remember when I used to feel that way or do this or do that, and I want to see it all in one place. I think I'll have to print it out and cross 'em off! lol.

So just a simple list of the things that were in my life before I began living with Jesus Christ as my Lord, my God. As Lord of EVERY day and every moment, no longer just an hour here, or a moment there or during a crisis.

Before:

Anxiety attacks!

Discontentment

Occasional feelings of hopelessness or despair

Sadness

A love of drunkenness often resulting in sickness, hangovers, and more intensified feelings of the items listed above.

Anger and outbursts

Envy

I lovvvvvvved gossip

Sexual issues that put a damper on my marriage

Longing and dreaming of a husband who would be more romantic and make me feel 'special' and give me butterflies in my tummy

Fear

Fear of the dark!

Fear of loved ones dying. Couldn't even stand to think of losing my Mom.

Great disappointment every time a fun event ended. Vacation, wedding, long weekend, etc.

Fantasizing about a bigger house, a cooler car, a better body, a more fantastic vacation, a bigger paycheck

Smoked like a chimney. Often in an effort to calm down, lol. Yeah, that nicotine has such calming effects, right?

Chronic painful bladder issues from the age of 5 the docs had no explanation for. For over 20 years! Led to fear of being anywhere too far from a bathroom, and many embarrasing moments, such as peeing on the George Washington bridge in the middle of a traffic jam, or making people stop 6 or 7 times on a long car ride.  (Did make for some funny stories after the fact!)

Trash talking.

Making fun of people.

A desire to be 'better' than other people.

Holding grudges.

Insecurity.

A belief that I didn't have what it takes to draw, paint, be an 'artist'.

And just an overall longing for something more. Whenever I would see a beautiful sunrise or would look out over lake huron, I had this feeling inside of me I couldn't describe. A bittersweet feeling, a feeling of enjoying something so beautiful, yet this unattainable feeling. This feeling of something huge, grand, epic, beautiful, yet sad somehow, beyond my grasp, not mine. (Thats actually how I felt in church most of my life too!)

After:

Peace!

Fullness of heart and soul

Hope for today and the future

Joy

A deeper love and appreciation for my husband, a knowledge that God gave me him, and that God created sex as a beautiful thing in marriage, and it is good!

Knowing where my husband lacks in making me feel special and giving me butterflies, God is there. You wouldn't believe all the passages in scripture that are as a love letter. But better even than from a man, from the God of all!

Gratitude for all that I have been amazingly blessed with.

A daily feeling of excitement to read God's word, spend time in prayer with the creator of the universe!!!!!! Gratefulness that He hears me, forgives me, accepts me. So many many instances of seeing these prayers undeniably and amazingly answered! THAT is exciting.

A desire to comfort and encourage others. An ability to pray for others who have hurt me or who I don't 'like'.

Much greater confidence. God made me and God don't make junk!

The belief that God made me to be an 'artist'. Excited for things to come and confident in the abilities that come from Him!

Healing! Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And I'm not all that concerned if there's no bathroom where we're going!
: )

And now I know what that longing was. I was looking at God's creation, but not really knowing God. Now when I look out at the sunset, over the lake, I want to sing, rejoice, thank God. I know that Psalm 19 says "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge."

I can hear their declarations now, and my soul is filled just to declare His glory with them. What before I looked out at with longing and awe and bittersweetness, I now look upon with joy and feel connected to my God. Last night I stopped in Kensington at sunset and pulled off the side of the road and there was an awesome sunset over a little lake with swans and a mini tree covered mountain and I sang at the top of my lungs. And the only ones that heard me (I think anyway) were God and the swans and it was AWESOME. Filled my tank to full and overflowing.

And I still struggle occasionally with a few of the things on my list, and probably always will! But now these things are just an occasional struggle, not a way of life. And I am soooooo far from perfect! And I screw up regularly. But God is full of mercy and guides me back onto the path and forgives and renews me DAILY.

God is GOOD!

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Chains Be Broken

This evening I went to my special spot to pray after bible study. After praying for and driving all over looking for the spot weeks ago, and finding a pretty awesome one by my house, turns out the absolutely PERFECT sunset spot is right behind my church!

Huge open sky and can see the sun all the way down to the horizon. No one there but me (and sometimes Gianna) in a big grassy field. What's even funnier is in the distance is the garbage dump, but it actually looks just like one of the long flat-topped hills from Israel, and over there all hazy in the distance it just adds to the peacefulness. Romans 8:28 - God is working for good in ALL things for those who love him, lol!

So the people I went to pray for, I have felt like I don't really know what to pray for them. The situation seems hopeless, but if I believe in Almighty God, I have to believe He is bigger than any circumstance, right? Since its been 5 years now, I think I sometimes forget the amazing way God showed up in my own life when it SEEMED hopeless! Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and certain of what we do NOT see!


Yesterday on the way home from work the radio host pointed out that in the end of a certain song there was the subtle sound of chains rattling. I wouldn't have noticed it had she not said it, but she pointed out that is what Christ does for us, breaks the chains that bind us, frees us. And boy do I know it, to think back to all the negative oppressive things I had hanging on me for much of my life. Stuff other people might not notice so much, but inside, the anxiety, the gnawing subtle depression and discontent on a daily basis. Those chains were busted right off of me!

So after bringing this up in bible study, sharing I didn't really know what to pray for them, and after something my friend had to say regarding the situation, I ended up sitting in my sunset spot praying for their chains to be broken. Not, as usual, for God to show me what I can do, but for Him to show me what only HE can do!

Then I opened my bible and prayed that God would speak to me regarding this "SEEMingly" hopeless situation and one of the first underlined passages that jumped out at me was Hosea 6:3 - He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring."


And this in turn brought to mind one of my favorite songs, and since no one is around, I began to sing it aloud as the sun set before me:

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall
As You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again


I sang it several times, even continuing on the way home, before realizing the part of the chorus I was leaving out!:

Chains be broken(!!!)
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed


So perfect! 


(The song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YakK0ozLEw )

Forgiven

In these last few days I've learned how it feels to come before God in repentance. I've asked Him to forgive me for things many times before, but something about this has felt different. I recently went through a few days where I acted horribly toward Him. Felt kind of bitter and angry toward Him about a circumstance I wasn't very happy about.

I was surprised at myself looking back on it. I never thought I would be like that. Then on top of it I chose to do something I shouldn't have done, a choice that did not honor Him or myself, and again looked back on it like oh my gosh, why did I do that?

But through feeling this way it has truly been impressed upon me how BIG his love and mercy are. And I truly understand what his word says in Romans 8:28 -

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Because though it may sound strange, I actually feel hugely blessed in feeling so repentant and humbled. It kinda hurts to be humbled, but at the same time it is a huge blessing.

I feel very aware of my fallen nature. Very aware that though I may do my best to walk each day in a way that honors God, I will mess up, sometimes badly, will act selfishly, and I am no 'better' than anybody else.

And this makes me very aware of God's love and mercy. Of how big Jesus' love for us is, while we are still sinners(!), and how badly I need Him.

His ability and choice to forgive the sins of the entire world, so fully, so purely and completely, with no leftovers or even minute traces of resentment, anger, or bitterness, is something no human could EVER do.

He alone is God. He alone is mighty. He alone has the power to fully forgive and save. He alone would want and choose to love and be close to those who do so much against Him, who ignore Him or turn on Him, get unjustly mad at Him or blame Him, doubt him, yell at Him or tell Him off.

But He is still there with open arms. He is knocking at the door. All we have to do is answer.

I am not sure if this is totally in context with what I'm talking about, but it keeps coming to mind: In the book of Hosea in the old testament, there is a part where God is speaking of the love He will have for those who had turned away from Him. He said He would allure them, lead them, draw them back to Him.

He says "I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people', 'You are my people', and they will say 'You are my God.'

While they were still against Him and honoring other other "gods", He was speaking of when they would be turned back toward Him, when He would be loving them.

Because He is forgiving and loving. And worthy of all praise.

I am so grateful to know Him, to have the eyes to see the beauty of his Words, to be his child, to feel His presence, to be the recipient of his most beautiful gift of Love and Mercy.

To Him be all the glory : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1jVuyOQUwk

Last-Minute Pancakes

There is a cute little diner at the end of my street. I think its been there for decades, probably not the same owners, but I know our friends dad worked there as a kid, so its been there a while.


Gianna and I rode our bike there this morning and had a lovely time. We ended up stopping back in on the way to church and dropped off the following note, some cheery flowers, and the attached pic of her eating her pancakes. The letter I wrote explains why: 


Sunday, July 18th 2010
I just have to share how touched I was at your restaurant this morning.


I have lived in Rosedale Gardens 5 years. I have thought many many times about coming in your restaurant but I don’t know why I never did.


This morning I asked my 2 year old Gianna if she wanted to go for bike ride and have breakfast and she said YES!! So we rode to your restaurant.


I have had a rough week. This morning as I sat in your restauraunt, I thought here is one of those moments of ‘refreshment’. A little gift from God. The song ‘some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’ was playing on the radio.


I have complained a lot this week. Been ungrateful and ignored all I have to be thankful for. Focused on all the negative.


And I realized in that moment, as I sat across from my little girl with her blueberry pancakes, that it was one of the best moments of my entire life and I had so much to be thankful for. I planned to do this every week. Felt excited to think of it as being our little Sunday morning thing. Imagined her growing older each week across from me in that booth.


Then I got up and told the waitress how I’d never been there but loved it and planned to come many more times. And she told me its your last day, that you are closing. I couldn’t believe it. I thought she must be kidding, but she wasn't.


I am so sorry that in this big beautiful neighborhood your restaurant has to close. Perhaps so many like me think about stopping in but don’t. I cried all the way home. Have tears on my face as I write this. I’m just so sorry.


But I am thankful for my memorable morning. I am sure too there is a reason God brought me there on the very last day out of all these years.


I will be praying for what follows for you. God is good. Seek Him first and you can know that all the rest shall be given to you.


God bless and thankyou.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeramiah 29:11


Perhaps someone needed to know someone cared today. Needed to know God cared. I know its not coincidence. Not when for over 1800 days I've lived here and ended up there at the last minute, feeling like the richest woman in the world just to be there eating blueberry pancakes with my girl, then just to find out they're closing in a matter of hours.


I am so amazed at God's timing.

Monday July 19th -
So I think this experience hit home even more when I drove by on my way to work today and saw the building sitting there with sign gone and windows papered over. Once again tears came. I can so clearly remember just yesterday, the sunny morning, got a picture of it in my mind as if outside looking in. Our bike sitting outside, gianna's little pink helmet, she and I in our booth eating our breakfast, having our once in a lifetime moment. And poof, its gone, boarded up, papered over, closed off.

I feel so strongly in my heart a reminder from God of how temporary this life truly is. Think of all of those who are gone that were before us. In what we'll look back on as the blink of an eye, we will be too. Our babies will be grown. Our hair grey. Our lives behind us.

There is only one thing that makes this not bring despair to my heart. The fact that Jesus defeated death that it will not be permanent for those who will just believe! Not the most popular thing to tell people. Probably sounds crazy to some. It used to sound somewhat crazy to me. But I have experienced Him! Have seen the many evidences for the bible, have had my life changed. Myself and many lives connected to mine.

In Awe

This past weekend up north I had the most perfect 4 hours. I keep thinking of them and want to write them down, even though I'm not sure I can really convey it.


Gianna woke up about a quarter to 5 and I gave her some milk and she went back to sleep. I could see through the trees that the horizon across Lake Huron was just beginning to be tinged with orange, the sunrise on its way. I was a little nervous that it was still pretty dark out, but I grabbed a hoodie and my bible and walked the short walk to the end of our tree-lined gravel road and out onto the beach.


As I stood at the waters edge and looked around it took my breath away. It was just so beautiful. In front of me the sky was beginning to lighten and be filled with color, but above and behind me was still a deep dark blue and the moon and I am assuming a planet next to it were glowing SO bright. Even though they don't come close, the pics I've attached are from this exact moment.


And the air around me just felt so calm and peaceful. And enormous. Quiet, beautiful solitude. As far as I could see there was no one on the beach. All the houses set back and dark. Completely alone, yet not alone at all. You know that feeling when you know someone is standing behind you? It was that feeling times 10, but in a really good way.


It felt surreal, like I'd stepped into a painting or a dream.


I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me with the houses being up the beach and the sound of the water, so I felt completely comfortable walking and praying. Thanking God aloud for how awesome his creation is. How absolutely beautiful. No human hands could ever come close in a million years to anything so amazing.


Then as the sun came up I just walked and read aloud my favorite verses, played my favorite worship songs and sang along. It was absolutely heavenly and my heart was overflowing with joy. There seemed to be no sense of time, I couldn't believe it was a couple hours later when I went up to make some coffee. I went back down the beach and got cozy in a chair, at this point with my back to the water facing the trees because the sun was so bright. I prayed through my entire prayer list and then called a friend I haven't talked to in a while and we shared our latest God experiences and by the time I went up to the house it was 9:00!


I can't believe I was down there for 4 hours! Time flies when you're having fun : )


The next morning I tried to get up early hoping for a repeat, but I was too tired, and then yesterday I got up but it was overcast and though it was nice, peaceful quiet time it just wasn't the same. I think it was just a beautiful gift from God, an expression of His love, and not something I myself can make happen.


I think though that there is something special in those moments just before and during the dawn. Not something I can explain or quite put my finger on, but just something you can feel in your soul. Perhaps that is why “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed” (Mark 1:35) and “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16). 


It is soo hard to do, but I am always so blessed when I do it. And it often is when the most amazing things come to me as I pray, such as paintings I've done or things I've written or have been prompted to do for others. Probably too because at that time it is just you and God. Everything in the world hasn't had a chance to pop into your head yet.


Thinking back to the other morning I imagine that also is what was so awesome. I had no other thoughts in my head whatsoever. I was so overcome and in awe of God's creation and presence it was almost as if for that moment nothing else existed and no worry was anywhere near my mind.


And this is kinda off-subject, but I read somewhere the other day that when it says 'to fear the Lord' in the bible, the actual meaning/translation is somewhere closer to 'in awe of.' That it doesn't mean to be scared of God, it means to be in awe of him. Kinda like when Jason and I were standing on the beach at midnight the other evening. The stars were nearly overwhelming and absolutely amazing, and the sky seemed so HUGE and the dark waters in front of us an abyss. And I thought wow, if just standing here on this beach looking at this section of sky is this amazing, just a little crumb of God's creation, imagine coming face to face with God someday himself!!!


There are so many places in the bible where people are faced with God and they fall face-down trembling. And God many times says, "Do not be afraid!" He doesn't want us to walk around being 'scared' of Him. He wants us to be in AWE of Him. I think naturally there does come along some fear with that, like my thought on the beach of how HUGE God is and the thought of teeeeeeny little me standing before Him.


But he says to us "Don't be afraid!" And when we love and are in awe of Him, we have no need to be!