So just a simple list of the things that were in my life before I began living with Jesus Christ as my Lord, my God. As Lord of EVERY day and every moment, no longer just an hour here, or a moment there or during a crisis.
Before:
Anxiety attacks!
Discontentment
Occasional feelings of hopelessness or despair
Sadness
A love of drunkenness often resulting in sickness, hangovers, and more intensified feelings of the items listed above.
Anger and outbursts
Envy
I lovvvvvvved gossip
Sexual issues that put a damper on my marriage
Longing and dreaming of a husband who would be more romantic and make me feel 'special' and give me butterflies in my tummy
Fear
Fear of the dark!
Fear of loved ones dying. Couldn't even stand to think of losing my Mom.
Great disappointment every time a fun event ended. Vacation, wedding, long weekend, etc.
Fantasizing about a bigger house, a cooler car, a better body, a more fantastic vacation, a bigger paycheck
Smoked like a chimney. Often in an effort to calm down, lol. Yeah, that nicotine has such calming effects, right?
Chronic painful bladder issues from the age of 5 the docs had no explanation for. For over 20 years! Led to fear of being anywhere too far from a bathroom, and many embarrasing moments, such as peeing on the George Washington bridge in the middle of a traffic jam, or making people stop 6 or 7 times on a long car ride. (Did make for some funny stories after the fact!)
Trash talking.
Making fun of people.
A desire to be 'better' than other people.
Holding grudges.
Insecurity.
A belief that I didn't have what it takes to draw, paint, be an 'artist'.
And just an overall longing for something more. Whenever I would see a beautiful sunrise or would look out over lake huron, I had this feeling inside of me I couldn't describe. A bittersweet feeling, a feeling of enjoying something so beautiful, yet this unattainable feeling. This feeling of something huge, grand, epic, beautiful, yet sad somehow, beyond my grasp, not mine. (Thats actually how I felt in church most of my life too!)
After:
Peace!
Fullness of heart and soul
Hope for today and the future
Joy
A deeper love and appreciation for my husband, a knowledge that God gave me him, and that God created sex as a beautiful thing in marriage, and it is good!
Knowing where my husband lacks in making me feel special and giving me butterflies, God is there. You wouldn't believe all the passages in scripture that are as a love letter. But better even than from a man, from the God of all!
Gratitude for all that I have been amazingly blessed with.
A daily feeling of excitement to read God's word, spend time in prayer with the creator of the universe!!!!!! Gratefulness that He hears me, forgives me, accepts me. So many many instances of seeing these prayers undeniably and amazingly answered! THAT is exciting.
A desire to comfort and encourage others. An ability to pray for others who have hurt me or who I don't 'like'.
Much greater confidence. God made me and God don't make junk!
The belief that God made me to be an 'artist'. Excited for things to come and confident in the abilities that come from Him!
Healing! Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And I'm not all that concerned if there's no bathroom where we're going!
: )
And now I know what that longing was. I was looking at God's creation, but not really knowing God. Now when I look out at the sunset, over the lake, I want to sing, rejoice, thank God. I know that Psalm 19 says "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge."
I can hear their declarations now, and my soul is filled just to declare His glory with them. What before I looked out at with longing and awe and bittersweetness, I now look upon with joy and feel connected to my God. Last night I stopped in Kensington at sunset and pulled off the side of the road and there was an awesome sunset over a little lake with swans and a mini tree covered mountain and I sang at the top of my lungs. And the only ones that heard me (I think anyway) were God and the swans and it was AWESOME. Filled my tank to full and overflowing.
And I still struggle occasionally with a few of the things on my list, and probably always will! But now these things are just an occasional struggle, not a way of life. And I am soooooo far from perfect! And I screw up regularly. But God is full of mercy and guides me back onto the path and forgives and renews me DAILY.
God is GOOD!
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
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