Before and After

I've been into lists lately. Writing down and checking off. Felt like seeing this in one big list. I know occasionally I'll think wow, I remember when I used to feel that way or do this or do that, and I want to see it all in one place. I think I'll have to print it out and cross 'em off! lol.

So just a simple list of the things that were in my life before I began living with Jesus Christ as my Lord, my God. As Lord of EVERY day and every moment, no longer just an hour here, or a moment there or during a crisis.

Before:

Anxiety attacks!

Discontentment

Occasional feelings of hopelessness or despair

Sadness

A love of drunkenness often resulting in sickness, hangovers, and more intensified feelings of the items listed above.

Anger and outbursts

Envy

I lovvvvvvved gossip

Sexual issues that put a damper on my marriage

Longing and dreaming of a husband who would be more romantic and make me feel 'special' and give me butterflies in my tummy

Fear

Fear of the dark!

Fear of loved ones dying. Couldn't even stand to think of losing my Mom.

Great disappointment every time a fun event ended. Vacation, wedding, long weekend, etc.

Fantasizing about a bigger house, a cooler car, a better body, a more fantastic vacation, a bigger paycheck

Smoked like a chimney. Often in an effort to calm down, lol. Yeah, that nicotine has such calming effects, right?

Chronic painful bladder issues from the age of 5 the docs had no explanation for. For over 20 years! Led to fear of being anywhere too far from a bathroom, and many embarrasing moments, such as peeing on the George Washington bridge in the middle of a traffic jam, or making people stop 6 or 7 times on a long car ride.  (Did make for some funny stories after the fact!)

Trash talking.

Making fun of people.

A desire to be 'better' than other people.

Holding grudges.

Insecurity.

A belief that I didn't have what it takes to draw, paint, be an 'artist'.

And just an overall longing for something more. Whenever I would see a beautiful sunrise or would look out over lake huron, I had this feeling inside of me I couldn't describe. A bittersweet feeling, a feeling of enjoying something so beautiful, yet this unattainable feeling. This feeling of something huge, grand, epic, beautiful, yet sad somehow, beyond my grasp, not mine. (Thats actually how I felt in church most of my life too!)

After:

Peace!

Fullness of heart and soul

Hope for today and the future

Joy

A deeper love and appreciation for my husband, a knowledge that God gave me him, and that God created sex as a beautiful thing in marriage, and it is good!

Knowing where my husband lacks in making me feel special and giving me butterflies, God is there. You wouldn't believe all the passages in scripture that are as a love letter. But better even than from a man, from the God of all!

Gratitude for all that I have been amazingly blessed with.

A daily feeling of excitement to read God's word, spend time in prayer with the creator of the universe!!!!!! Gratefulness that He hears me, forgives me, accepts me. So many many instances of seeing these prayers undeniably and amazingly answered! THAT is exciting.

A desire to comfort and encourage others. An ability to pray for others who have hurt me or who I don't 'like'.

Much greater confidence. God made me and God don't make junk!

The belief that God made me to be an 'artist'. Excited for things to come and confident in the abilities that come from Him!

Healing! Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. And I'm not all that concerned if there's no bathroom where we're going!
: )

And now I know what that longing was. I was looking at God's creation, but not really knowing God. Now when I look out at the sunset, over the lake, I want to sing, rejoice, thank God. I know that Psalm 19 says "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge."

I can hear their declarations now, and my soul is filled just to declare His glory with them. What before I looked out at with longing and awe and bittersweetness, I now look upon with joy and feel connected to my God. Last night I stopped in Kensington at sunset and pulled off the side of the road and there was an awesome sunset over a little lake with swans and a mini tree covered mountain and I sang at the top of my lungs. And the only ones that heard me (I think anyway) were God and the swans and it was AWESOME. Filled my tank to full and overflowing.

And I still struggle occasionally with a few of the things on my list, and probably always will! But now these things are just an occasional struggle, not a way of life. And I am soooooo far from perfect! And I screw up regularly. But God is full of mercy and guides me back onto the path and forgives and renews me DAILY.

God is GOOD!

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

Chains Be Broken

This evening I went to my special spot to pray after bible study. After praying for and driving all over looking for the spot weeks ago, and finding a pretty awesome one by my house, turns out the absolutely PERFECT sunset spot is right behind my church!

Huge open sky and can see the sun all the way down to the horizon. No one there but me (and sometimes Gianna) in a big grassy field. What's even funnier is in the distance is the garbage dump, but it actually looks just like one of the long flat-topped hills from Israel, and over there all hazy in the distance it just adds to the peacefulness. Romans 8:28 - God is working for good in ALL things for those who love him, lol!

So the people I went to pray for, I have felt like I don't really know what to pray for them. The situation seems hopeless, but if I believe in Almighty God, I have to believe He is bigger than any circumstance, right? Since its been 5 years now, I think I sometimes forget the amazing way God showed up in my own life when it SEEMED hopeless! Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and certain of what we do NOT see!


Yesterday on the way home from work the radio host pointed out that in the end of a certain song there was the subtle sound of chains rattling. I wouldn't have noticed it had she not said it, but she pointed out that is what Christ does for us, breaks the chains that bind us, frees us. And boy do I know it, to think back to all the negative oppressive things I had hanging on me for much of my life. Stuff other people might not notice so much, but inside, the anxiety, the gnawing subtle depression and discontent on a daily basis. Those chains were busted right off of me!

So after bringing this up in bible study, sharing I didn't really know what to pray for them, and after something my friend had to say regarding the situation, I ended up sitting in my sunset spot praying for their chains to be broken. Not, as usual, for God to show me what I can do, but for Him to show me what only HE can do!

Then I opened my bible and prayed that God would speak to me regarding this "SEEMingly" hopeless situation and one of the first underlined passages that jumped out at me was Hosea 6:3 - He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring."


And this in turn brought to mind one of my favorite songs, and since no one is around, I began to sing it aloud as the sun set before me:

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall
As You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again


I sang it several times, even continuing on the way home, before realizing the part of the chorus I was leaving out!:

Chains be broken(!!!)
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed


So perfect! 


(The song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YakK0ozLEw )

Forgiven

In these last few days I've learned how it feels to come before God in repentance. I've asked Him to forgive me for things many times before, but something about this has felt different. I recently went through a few days where I acted horribly toward Him. Felt kind of bitter and angry toward Him about a circumstance I wasn't very happy about.

I was surprised at myself looking back on it. I never thought I would be like that. Then on top of it I chose to do something I shouldn't have done, a choice that did not honor Him or myself, and again looked back on it like oh my gosh, why did I do that?

But through feeling this way it has truly been impressed upon me how BIG his love and mercy are. And I truly understand what his word says in Romans 8:28 -

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Because though it may sound strange, I actually feel hugely blessed in feeling so repentant and humbled. It kinda hurts to be humbled, but at the same time it is a huge blessing.

I feel very aware of my fallen nature. Very aware that though I may do my best to walk each day in a way that honors God, I will mess up, sometimes badly, will act selfishly, and I am no 'better' than anybody else.

And this makes me very aware of God's love and mercy. Of how big Jesus' love for us is, while we are still sinners(!), and how badly I need Him.

His ability and choice to forgive the sins of the entire world, so fully, so purely and completely, with no leftovers or even minute traces of resentment, anger, or bitterness, is something no human could EVER do.

He alone is God. He alone is mighty. He alone has the power to fully forgive and save. He alone would want and choose to love and be close to those who do so much against Him, who ignore Him or turn on Him, get unjustly mad at Him or blame Him, doubt him, yell at Him or tell Him off.

But He is still there with open arms. He is knocking at the door. All we have to do is answer.

I am not sure if this is totally in context with what I'm talking about, but it keeps coming to mind: In the book of Hosea in the old testament, there is a part where God is speaking of the love He will have for those who had turned away from Him. He said He would allure them, lead them, draw them back to Him.

He says "I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people', 'You are my people', and they will say 'You are my God.'

While they were still against Him and honoring other other "gods", He was speaking of when they would be turned back toward Him, when He would be loving them.

Because He is forgiving and loving. And worthy of all praise.

I am so grateful to know Him, to have the eyes to see the beauty of his Words, to be his child, to feel His presence, to be the recipient of his most beautiful gift of Love and Mercy.

To Him be all the glory : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1jVuyOQUwk

Last-Minute Pancakes

There is a cute little diner at the end of my street. I think its been there for decades, probably not the same owners, but I know our friends dad worked there as a kid, so its been there a while.


Gianna and I rode our bike there this morning and had a lovely time. We ended up stopping back in on the way to church and dropped off the following note, some cheery flowers, and the attached pic of her eating her pancakes. The letter I wrote explains why: 


Sunday, July 18th 2010
I just have to share how touched I was at your restaurant this morning.


I have lived in Rosedale Gardens 5 years. I have thought many many times about coming in your restaurant but I don’t know why I never did.


This morning I asked my 2 year old Gianna if she wanted to go for bike ride and have breakfast and she said YES!! So we rode to your restaurant.


I have had a rough week. This morning as I sat in your restauraunt, I thought here is one of those moments of ‘refreshment’. A little gift from God. The song ‘some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’ was playing on the radio.


I have complained a lot this week. Been ungrateful and ignored all I have to be thankful for. Focused on all the negative.


And I realized in that moment, as I sat across from my little girl with her blueberry pancakes, that it was one of the best moments of my entire life and I had so much to be thankful for. I planned to do this every week. Felt excited to think of it as being our little Sunday morning thing. Imagined her growing older each week across from me in that booth.


Then I got up and told the waitress how I’d never been there but loved it and planned to come many more times. And she told me its your last day, that you are closing. I couldn’t believe it. I thought she must be kidding, but she wasn't.


I am so sorry that in this big beautiful neighborhood your restaurant has to close. Perhaps so many like me think about stopping in but don’t. I cried all the way home. Have tears on my face as I write this. I’m just so sorry.


But I am thankful for my memorable morning. I am sure too there is a reason God brought me there on the very last day out of all these years.


I will be praying for what follows for you. God is good. Seek Him first and you can know that all the rest shall be given to you.


God bless and thankyou.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeramiah 29:11


Perhaps someone needed to know someone cared today. Needed to know God cared. I know its not coincidence. Not when for over 1800 days I've lived here and ended up there at the last minute, feeling like the richest woman in the world just to be there eating blueberry pancakes with my girl, then just to find out they're closing in a matter of hours.


I am so amazed at God's timing.

Monday July 19th -
So I think this experience hit home even more when I drove by on my way to work today and saw the building sitting there with sign gone and windows papered over. Once again tears came. I can so clearly remember just yesterday, the sunny morning, got a picture of it in my mind as if outside looking in. Our bike sitting outside, gianna's little pink helmet, she and I in our booth eating our breakfast, having our once in a lifetime moment. And poof, its gone, boarded up, papered over, closed off.

I feel so strongly in my heart a reminder from God of how temporary this life truly is. Think of all of those who are gone that were before us. In what we'll look back on as the blink of an eye, we will be too. Our babies will be grown. Our hair grey. Our lives behind us.

There is only one thing that makes this not bring despair to my heart. The fact that Jesus defeated death that it will not be permanent for those who will just believe! Not the most popular thing to tell people. Probably sounds crazy to some. It used to sound somewhat crazy to me. But I have experienced Him! Have seen the many evidences for the bible, have had my life changed. Myself and many lives connected to mine.

In Awe

This past weekend up north I had the most perfect 4 hours. I keep thinking of them and want to write them down, even though I'm not sure I can really convey it.


Gianna woke up about a quarter to 5 and I gave her some milk and she went back to sleep. I could see through the trees that the horizon across Lake Huron was just beginning to be tinged with orange, the sunrise on its way. I was a little nervous that it was still pretty dark out, but I grabbed a hoodie and my bible and walked the short walk to the end of our tree-lined gravel road and out onto the beach.


As I stood at the waters edge and looked around it took my breath away. It was just so beautiful. In front of me the sky was beginning to lighten and be filled with color, but above and behind me was still a deep dark blue and the moon and I am assuming a planet next to it were glowing SO bright. Even though they don't come close, the pics I've attached are from this exact moment.


And the air around me just felt so calm and peaceful. And enormous. Quiet, beautiful solitude. As far as I could see there was no one on the beach. All the houses set back and dark. Completely alone, yet not alone at all. You know that feeling when you know someone is standing behind you? It was that feeling times 10, but in a really good way.


It felt surreal, like I'd stepped into a painting or a dream.


I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me with the houses being up the beach and the sound of the water, so I felt completely comfortable walking and praying. Thanking God aloud for how awesome his creation is. How absolutely beautiful. No human hands could ever come close in a million years to anything so amazing.


Then as the sun came up I just walked and read aloud my favorite verses, played my favorite worship songs and sang along. It was absolutely heavenly and my heart was overflowing with joy. There seemed to be no sense of time, I couldn't believe it was a couple hours later when I went up to make some coffee. I went back down the beach and got cozy in a chair, at this point with my back to the water facing the trees because the sun was so bright. I prayed through my entire prayer list and then called a friend I haven't talked to in a while and we shared our latest God experiences and by the time I went up to the house it was 9:00!


I can't believe I was down there for 4 hours! Time flies when you're having fun : )


The next morning I tried to get up early hoping for a repeat, but I was too tired, and then yesterday I got up but it was overcast and though it was nice, peaceful quiet time it just wasn't the same. I think it was just a beautiful gift from God, an expression of His love, and not something I myself can make happen.


I think though that there is something special in those moments just before and during the dawn. Not something I can explain or quite put my finger on, but just something you can feel in your soul. Perhaps that is why “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed” (Mark 1:35) and “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16). 


It is soo hard to do, but I am always so blessed when I do it. And it often is when the most amazing things come to me as I pray, such as paintings I've done or things I've written or have been prompted to do for others. Probably too because at that time it is just you and God. Everything in the world hasn't had a chance to pop into your head yet.


Thinking back to the other morning I imagine that also is what was so awesome. I had no other thoughts in my head whatsoever. I was so overcome and in awe of God's creation and presence it was almost as if for that moment nothing else existed and no worry was anywhere near my mind.


And this is kinda off-subject, but I read somewhere the other day that when it says 'to fear the Lord' in the bible, the actual meaning/translation is somewhere closer to 'in awe of.' That it doesn't mean to be scared of God, it means to be in awe of him. Kinda like when Jason and I were standing on the beach at midnight the other evening. The stars were nearly overwhelming and absolutely amazing, and the sky seemed so HUGE and the dark waters in front of us an abyss. And I thought wow, if just standing here on this beach looking at this section of sky is this amazing, just a little crumb of God's creation, imagine coming face to face with God someday himself!!!


There are so many places in the bible where people are faced with God and they fall face-down trembling. And God many times says, "Do not be afraid!" He doesn't want us to walk around being 'scared' of Him. He wants us to be in AWE of Him. I think naturally there does come along some fear with that, like my thought on the beach of how HUGE God is and the thought of teeeeeeny little me standing before Him.


But he says to us "Don't be afraid!" And when we love and are in awe of Him, we have no need to be!

Dollar Store Blessings

My church only has service on Wednesday nights once a month. Today I was thinking I wish it was tonight. Then Gianna out of nowhere started saying church! So I figured I'd find somewhere else to go to church tonight.

But then later I was reading and the author jokingly talked about spiritual constipation. When you are taking in all kinds of good stuff. Sermons and books and services, filling yourself up with good things, but not really giving any of it back, not sharing the goodness with others.

So I thought hmmm, Gianna and I need to do something to bless others instead of me sitting and getting blessed as I always do.

When I was in the shower, the idea to go to the dollar store and buy some flowers and ribbons and decorate wheelchairs at a nursing home just instantly popped into my head. I give God all the credit!

So I got out of the shower and asked Gianna if she wanted to go buy flowers and make sad people happy and she said yes!

I had Jason pray with us before he went to hockey, and asked God to bless our little adventure, let things fall into place, let the dollar store have cool flowers and ribbon, let the timing at the nursing home work out, and to just really show up with us.

The dollar store had a hawaiian luau isle and lots of pretty flowers and pretty colorful wire flower garland type stuff. I bought about 17 or 18. I figured it might not be enough, but what could I do, I'd tell them we'd come back again if people got left out.

There was a cd of christian piano music at the checkout and I grabbed it. I put Gianna in her carseat and gave her a flower and some ribbon and I started taking the wire garland stuff and wrapping it around the stems, and tying bows on some. The piano music and the front seat full of shiny garland and bright flowers was so fun.They looked pretty but it was kind of taking a long time. I thought maybe I should go home and finish them and take them tomorrow, cause it was already like 7:30.

I told Gianna we were going to go home, but she said Happy, Happy!! I had told her we were going to make people happy with the flowers. So I decided to go then.

I had the nursing home in mind I was planning to go to, but another one I have never been to kept popping into my head, so I went to that one instead.

When we walked in, it was apparent it was music night. In the front room there was a group of people and a woman with a cd player playing very festive sounding music. Gianna and I danced around for a minute and the people who could were turning in our direction and smiling and laughing. I asked if i could pass out flowers and the woman said of course! So Gianna and I started passing them out. She didn't act afraid at all, even though quite a few were hunched over in their chairs and such, she apparently was completely comfortable  ; )

Some of them were asking how much! I said, no, these are just little gifts from God! And they would smile and it was so sweet. All the while that fun festive music playing lol! One guy was like, these are for ME??? for MEEE??? Like he just couldn't fathom it.

I was so afraid we were going to run out of flowers, but I just kept going, and there was just enough! I asked Gianna if we could give the last woman her flower, and she said yes! Little gianna who is always like mine, mine, MINE! Just stood and watched me wire her flower onto the lady's wheelchair.

Then they started playing songs about Jesus! I said to everyone, now I know I'm in the right place! We are here because of Jesus! Because He has been so good to me and given me such joy, I have to share it with others. And some of them laughed and clapped. Gianna didn't want to leave. We danced around for a while more and then we said bye to everyone and promised to come back. That room full of little old people in their wheelchairs with their bright yellow and hot pink flowers. So precious!

God is so good! He gets all the glory. I only try to follow these little whispers I feel in my heart.

Tonight could not have been more perfect. Nothing could have made me happier inside. I drove away laughing my head off in AMAZEMENT!

Oh how He loves us!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lovely Music, Beautiful People

I went to my friend Rebekah's church Sunday. She will be moving out of state this summer and I want to see her as many times as I can. Funny how she only lives a half hour away but with the busyness of life we rarely find the time to actually hang out.

Her husband Timothy is a pastor at a wonderful little church in Madison Heights. A couple of guys I work with are also really involved in the church. Nick is the worship leader and Dillon is also involved in pastoring. And while I love my church it is always a nice change to go to theirs and experience their smaller, cozy, loving community.

I was running 15 minutes late and knew I would miss worship. I was trying to be positive but was bummed because I love it so.

But they started late! I missed nothing and the music they played was a miracle for me. I am weird with music. I get a handful of songs I love and I listen to them over and over and over. Eventually I completely wear them out and don't want to hear them anymore, but I enjoy them for a long time!

Right now there are a handful of songs I love. A few of them are old hymns that have been redone to sound modern. 2 of the songs they played were those songs. And they also played another that is one of my absolute favorites right now. It was their first time playing all of them. They even said on one of them, 'okay, this is a new song for us', and its one I've loved for a long time!

I couldn't believe it. Tears fell and I had to try and not cry so I could sing! Some may call it coincidence, but no way. Not those exact songs, that are so close to my heart right now. That so clearly call my heart and mind and attention to God right now, at this time. And they are not new. Not particularly popular at this moment for any reason. Of a thousand Christian songs they are my favorites. So it was such a beautiful, special moment for me and I just felt so loved.

And the message kind of amazed me too. 2 or 3 days ago I bought a book called Lord, Save us from your Followers. Just happened to catch my eye on a clearance rack. I've only read a couple pages but its about how unattractive Christians often are to unbelievers. How many of us have a bumper-sticker mentality and are not good with actual conversations about our faith. Its my way or the highway. The guy is a Christian himself, and does believe Jesus is the only way and the truth and the life, but he doesn't think we are going about sharing that truth in the right ways. He wore a suit covered in all kinds of religous bumper stickers and symbols and went out on the street asking people 5 questions about what they believe, about Jesus, and about Christians.

And the message yesterday was about how unattractive Christians can be. How we can actually be stumbling blocks to others coming to believe. So I thought that was interesting and feel like it was no accident I bumped into that book!

Afterward we went to lunch in Royal Oak and walked around and Gianna had a wonderful time trying on crazy shoes in Incognito, lol!

And Dillon told me the story of when he came to know Christ. I think he had told me a piece or two before, but I might have forgotten, (which is horrible!) But the short of it is he was a model and a hard-core drug user. He hated God. Thought people who loved Him were nuts. A good friend of his was into drugs and witchcraft of sorts and also an unbeliever. He didn't see the guy for a while and the next time he did the guy was a Christian. Completely cleaned-up and changed. Stunned him and got his attention. And over time God worked and revealed himself in Dillon's life. He said God showed him that He was immeasurably better than all that he had thought was so great. The lifestyle he was living, the high's he got from the drugs. God manifested Himself to him and there was, and is, no doubt to him that He is who He says He is. Completely changed him! Dillon is so in love with and so passionate about God, and I really understand why when you imagine that happening in someone's life.

I love hearing those stories! And I am so grateful for all the wonderful people God has placed in my life. I was thinking on the way home yesterday how sometimes I feel so sad I didn't go to school for illustration. I want to wonder what might have been. But I think of ALL the wonderful people God has brought into my life through my job over the last 10 years. Many people who I know I will be friends with forever. Even if we may not find the time to spend together very often, they are precious to my heart and I love them. And I am not going to think about what could have been anymore, but I am going to be grateful for what has been.

If I'm lucky I've got a good 25-30 years in me before retirement time. WOW! When I say it like that, that's CRAZY. But anyways, that is plenty of time to get cracking on the painting and see if it goes anywhere.

Lol, 30 years. THIRTY YEARS. Omgsh. Hahahaaaa. I am so NOT graphic designing for 3 more decades. Maybe a half of one!

I just got more inspired! : )