Poker and Prayer ; )

This morning I was laying in bed thinking of something that happened a few years ago and how God did answer my prayer when I felt like he didn't.

The first year Jason started having poker tournaments at the house it made me kind of nervous. Just a lot of people, some of them drinking, in our basement until the wee hours of the morning yelling and hooting and hollering.

We were the new people in a quiet little neighborhood and I was always afraid someone was gonna get out of hand or there was going to be a fight or something.

One night about a half hour before everyone started to show up, Jason was out doing last minute errands, and I got on my knees and said a prayer. I can't remember everything I said, but I do remember asking God to be present in my home and for the people visiting to feel his presence and his peace.

About 1 in the morning, my friend Anita and another girl and I were upstairs chatting, and we heard a round of gunshots go off outside. 4 or 5 shots real fast. We just kinda stared at each other in horror for a moment and then I got up to run downstairs and get Jason. The moment I got to the landing, the person who fired the shots came through the back door and we stood face to face. I said 'what are you doing???!!!' and he turned around went out the door and left.

Chaos ensued over the next hour or two. I was completely flipping out. Kept waiting for the cops to show up. Completely mortified at what my neighbors were thinking. We did figure out he had shot them up into the air.

One of the most unpleasant things I've had to do is going door to door the next morning and apologizing to our neighbors, some of whom were pretty upset.

And without going into details, a lot of stressful times and worry followed that night. 

And I have to admit I kinda was like, what is this some kind of joke? After I prayed that prayer, that horrible night ensued. Where was God's presence or peace in all that?

But this morning I was laying thinking about it all and had to smile.

First of all, I think of how we collided at that same second on the landing and he left. 

If he had went into the crowded basement, who knows what could have happened. He wouldn't have been met with friendly smiles, I'm sure things would not have gone well with my husband, and we know this person was already in a pretty reckless, unstable mood and armed.

So right there, God maintained peace and possibly more in my home.

Then I think of how after that we never played poker with the same group of people. Not that I didn't like those people, but it was a little more of a rambunctious crowd. Since then Jason has hooked up with people who are all into the strategy of the game. Its like a sport for them. A lot of them are dads and they don't drink and they are super quiet. And super nice. They don't even wake Gianna up. Its almost like they're down there playing chess!!!!! And some of them are Christians!

And after that night I never played poker again.  I never really enjoyed it that much anyway and I guess that just really turned me sour. Too long of a game and I don't like it. I feel sorry for people when I take all their chips and could never bluff. 

So now its just kinda fun having people over and on their break Gianna and I hang out with them and eat pizza.

And also after that happened I really believe God put it on my heart to pray for that person. I had no animosity but truly spent a lot of time in prayer for him for some time after it happened. I also sent him an email and shared with him the story of how God had come into my life and totally changed me. I have no idea if there has been any effect on his life as a result, but God's thoughts are above our thoughts and his timing is not ours, so who knows if he was using my prayers and my story for some greater purpose down the road in his life.

So sorry for doubting you God! Sometimes we can't see the great ways in which you are working. Especially in the midst of unpleasant circumstances.

You are Good. All the time. All the time, You are Good.  : )

Isaiah 55:8-9 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 
       neither are your ways my ways," 
       declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
       so are my ways higher than your ways 
       and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Elliot from Mt. Pleasant

I have never thought of Jesus this way. VERY interesting. Its an excerpt from a Max Lucado book.

Week of January 15

Looking for the Messiah, Part 1 
by Max Lucado

SUPPOSE JESUS CAME to your church. I don't mean symbolically. I mean visibly. Physically. Actually. Suppose he came to your church.

Would you recognize him? It might be difficult. Jesus didn't wear religious clothes in his day. Doubtful that he would wear them in ours. If he came today to your church, he'd wear regular clothes. Nothing fancy, just a jacket and shoes and a tie. Maybe a tie ... maybe not.

He would have a common name. "Jesus" was common. I suppose he might go by Joe or Bob or Terry or Elliot.

Elliot ... I like that. Suppose Elliot, the Son of God, came to your church.

Of course, he wouldn't be from Nazareth or Israel. He'd hail from some small spot down the road like Hollow Point or Chester City or Mt. Pleasant.

And he'd be a laborer. He was a carpenter in his day. No reason to think he'd change, but let's say he did. Let's say that this time around he was a plumber. Elliot, the plumber from Mt. Pleasant.

God, a plumber?

Rumor has it that he fed a football field full of people near the lake. Others say he healed a senator's son from Biloxi. Some say he's the Son of God. Others say he's the joke of the year. You don't know what to think.

And then, one Sunday, he shows up.

About midway through the service he appears in the back of the auditorium and takes a seat. After a few songs he moves closer to the front. After yet another song he steps up on the platform and announces, "You are singing about me. I am the Son of God." He holds a Communion tray. "This bread is my body. This wine is my blood. When you celebrate this, you celebrate me!"

What would you think?

Would you be offended? The audacity of it all. How irreverent, a guy named Elliot as the Son of God!

Would you be interested? Wait a minute, how could he be the Son of God? He never went to seminary, never studied at a college. But there is something about him ...

Would you believe? I can't deny it's crazy. But I can't deny what he has done.

It's easy to criticize contemporaries of Jesus for not believing in him. But when you realize how he came, you can understand their skepticism.

Jesus didn't fit their concept of a Messiah. Wrong background. Wrong pedigree. Wrong hometown. No Messiah would come from Nazareth. Small, hick, one-stoplight town. He didn't fit the Jews' notion of a Messiah, and so, rather than change their notion, they dismissed him.

He came as one of them. He was Jesus from Nazareth. Elliot from Mt. Pleasant. He fed the masses with calloused hands. He raised the dead wearing bib overalls and a John Deere Tractor cap.

They expected lights and kings and chariots from heaven. What they got was sandals and sermons and a Galilean accent.

And so, some missed him.

And so, some miss him still.

From A Gentle Thunder
Copyright (Thomas Nelson, 1987) Max Lucado

I'm still here! : )

The last month and a half of not feeling completely connected to God have been kind of good for me. Humbling.

They make me think I may have had a touch of spiritual pride. Not in that I think I'm better than you, but in thinking it was all me in that I got up at 5 am to read my bible and treasured reading it more than watching a good movie. And naturally spending lots of time in prayer and devotion. So its as easy as you do the same and you can feel the same way, right?!

I have gone through a period where these things did not come as naturally to me. Where I had to make myself read my bible before bed, usually falling asleep. And I wasn't getting up early enough to spend time with God before work. I'd rather hit the snooze button.

My former pastor once said, and I wrote it in my bible, 'the more you feed the flesh, the stronger it becomes, the more you feed the spirit, the stronger it becomes'.

Though I still have my faith, still trust in God, I have not really been feeding my spirit. Haven't been filling my tank. And as a result, have not been feeling very 'spiritual' or getting much joy out of spiritual things.

It made me realize and sympathize with how hard this whole faith thing must be for people who don't have the strongest faith, or who are seeking God but not all the way there yet. Made me realize I should never judge them in even the slightest way, but to sympathize with them and pray for them.

I was looking back at my days when I got sincere pleasure out of these things and missing them. Realizing what a gift from God they were.  Though faith is not all about feelings, clearly feeling the presence of God in your daily life is the best thing ever. Better than Starbucks or The Office or a vacation day. And its always available and right there. And I wanted it back!

And I feel like I know the day when I really started to swing back in that glorious direction.

My sister and I had gathered with friends specifically to pray for her marriage. Our faith-filled friends Michelle and her mom Barb share a Victorian farmhouse that is so charming and warm and inviting. We sat around the wood table in the cozy dining room drinking coffee, reading scripture, chatting and praying for 2 or 3 hours. I look back at it preciously and it seems like a scene from a movie. 

We prayed for things for each of us, and for starting the new year out right. We prayed for my renewed sense of love and delight for God and his word and spending time with him.

Also that night they were talking about the Chronicles of Narnia books and how the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is a fantasy version of the story of Jesus. I didn't know this! The author C.S. Lewis was a Christian apologist.

So she gave me the book to borrow and I really enjoyed reading it the next few days. I haven't read a fiction book in at least 2 years. I used to read them all the time. I spent a lot of Friday and Saturday night reading it.

The story is set in a forest with all kinds of mythological creatures and the book has little woodcut-like black and white illustrations here and there throughout. Its the epitomy of a 'fairytale'.

So Sunday morning I walk into church and I couldn't believe what my eyes saw. It was the first day of a new series called More than Fable. Its all about the parables of Jesus and why they are more than just 'stories'.

The large screen in the center of the stage was made to look like a large, old open book, with fairy-tale like writing and an illustration just like the style of the ones in the book I'm reading. And all behind is a set to look like a forest. And on the note sheet there was even a picture of a little fairy. It looks exactly like the feel of that book I was reading! I felt like I walked right into what my mind had been wrapped around the night before.

To me it was confirmation that I am on the right track. Confirmation that God hears me and is there and knows whats going on in my life.

And each of us since have received some pretty amazing confirmation on the things we prayed for.

And ever since that night of praying with my precious ladies I have truly enjoyed my time spent with God. I have just felt a change. And as of yesterday, starting next week I'll be in an awesome Beth Moore bible study with Michelle. I am so inspired by Beth Moore and by Michelle, and I know there will be a lot of growing there!  

I am looking forward to good things ahead and good things share.

See you soon. Happy New Year!  ; )

Right There Waiting

Since I got really busy at work early this month I have not been spending much time at all reading God's word or praying. Besides Christmas morning I think I've barely read my bible at all. I usually love getting up early to spend that peaceful, precious quiet time, but I've had no desire. I've just been sleeping in as late as Gianna would let me. 

And man have I felt blah! Totally disconnected from God. 

Especially the last few days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas and had to force myself to straighten up the house. Not that I don't have days like those when I'm spending time with God, but I just felt especially empty. Like I used to. I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch t.v. and live vicariously through other people.  I hardly ever watch t.v. anymore and Gianna didn't like me cutting into her regular programming, haha.

But this morning I woke up with that wide awake feeling at 5 am for the first time I think in weeks. I went into the living room and was praying by the glow of the Christmas tree. And I could just feel God. Can't really explain it, sounds crazy to some I'm sure. But its just a warmth in my heart and a gentle overall comfort. 

And I thanked him for always being there. Always waiting for us to come closer, to come back. We can turn away from him. Make the t.v. a higher priority than him. Not take the effort to kneel down for a moment to the one who has given us all we possess and experience. Live life as if he doesn't really matter at all.

But he is so gracious and forgiving and compassionate and loving that he waits for us with open arms.

So after I prayed for a bit I got up to put on some tea. I grabbed my phone and checked out a devotional I love that I normally read everyday but haven't checked since before Christmas.

The scripture for today was:

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD Almighty." Zechariah 1:3 (NIV)

It is all about what I was just praying about!

Here's an excerpt from it:

God wants us to return to Him. He stands waiting with open arms, at the ready to return to us. When He sees us coming, He runs to meet us. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20b, NIV).

You can read the whole thing here: http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

(the entry for Dec. 30th)

So after this I did my study on David which I also haven't done in well over a week. And today's happens to be about David and his son Absalom who he'd been estranged from. And the author in talking about this goes into the story of the prodigal son, as mentioned in the verse above from the devotional! 

You can read the entire passage here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15%3A11-32&version=NIV

Here's an explanation of the passage I just googled:

The father is a picture of the Heavenly Father. God waits patiently, with loving compassion to restore us when we return to him with humble hearts. He offers us everything in his kingdom, restoring full relationship with joyful celebration. He doesn't even dwell on our past waywardness.

It brings to mind the good old Richard Marx song, lol. 

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. 

Thank God  : )

I have good news and bad news.

The worst of the bad news I won't share here but some family members I love very much are going through a horrible time right here a week before Christmas. 

And the other bad news is the last couple weeks I have pretty much felt like the old days at work and have massive amounts of work to do. I spent little time with Gianna last week cause I worked late or brought work home.

I have not been too upset about this because I am hopefully, if all goes well, about to have 12 days off. 12 days to spend with my baby and my husband and my God! I have barely read my bible and spent little time in prayer the last 2 weeks. I am feeling a bit dry and weary. 

I am hoping things go smoother in the new year because I cannot live like this on a regular basis anymore. Especially not with a 2 year old who loves her Mama.

And I honestly could skip the Christmas celebrations this week because I've never had it so not feel like Christmas before. It may as well be June or February.

Haven't watched any Christmas movies or baked any cookies and I bought a huge pile of Target giftcards for presents and just made a quick trip to Toys R Us with my mom to get some stuff for Gianna.

BUT, despite how I am feeling right now in my circumstances, there IS good news.

Luke 2:9-11 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

We humans are so fickle. God did great and mighty miracles for the Israelites and days later when their circumstances weren't ideal they forgot and doubted and didn't trust God anymore.

I have to admit that over the last couple weeks I find myself wanting to doubt. Especially with reading little of God's word and spending little time in prayer with him, I feel disconnected. I find myself looking at some of the hard circumstances around me and beginning to doubt and question God and his goodness. It is easy to focus on the bad, focus on all that is wrong in the world and want to blame God.

But I am forgetting all that I have experienced myself and seen others experience! Forgetting all that I have read in his word. Amazing that even in a fleeting moment I could ever forget how he saved my heart and my soul and my mind from such despair. 

How he put a new song in my mouth and gave me a firm place to stand.

He is my savior. In more ways than one. And people can scoff at him and make sarcastic baby Jesus comments about him on Facebook all day long. They haven't experienced or invited his power or his peace in their lives.

He is everything we need in every situation. He is the greatest of all gifts! 

Philippians 4:4 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

The most obvious reason to rejoice is he has paid the penalty for all we've done wrong and secured us eternal life.

But there's so much more. My pastor went over this list (much more in detail) on Sunday:

He shapes our days.

He secures our future.

He stands by his promises.

He satisfies our longings.

He stays by our side.

He strengthens us in our weakness.

He supplies our needs.

He shepherds us in every circumstance.

He sympathizes with us in our difficulties.

He saves us from our failures.

Amen!

I am so grateful for Him. For His birth. For His death. And for him raising up from it.

He has defeated our worst fear and will help us through all the others.

Merry CHRISTmas!  : )

Strength

The last few days have been pretty intense for me at work. My awesome co-workers have been hugely helpful, but wednesday and thursday were super intense preparing for a big meeting. It was the constant feeling of oh-my-gosh-I-have-to-get-this-done-right-now. All day long. Plus phone calls and emails that need attention constantly coming through.

I'll admit that a few times I felt close to panic. I'm just not built for this stuff anymore! I used to sometimes get a high from accomplishing these crazy tight deadlines. Not so much anymore. God did give me blessings here and there throughout that gave me relief at the point of crying. A hug from my friend Debbie in the kitchen. Connie doing shotlists for me. An encouraging email from a friend. Bryan making things clear for me. Jerome driving me all the way to the meeting and back to my car even though it was out of his way and he could have went straight home. (I was too frazzled to drive after the mad dash creating the comp). And my husband having the house amazingly clean when I got home and saying we were going out for dinner. 

But still at the end of each day I felt like a wet noodle. 

So yesterday morning with the big meeting behind me for the moment, I thought I would have a few moments of relief, take it easy, let my mind rest a little. But emails and phone calls and questions and realizations of things I needed to be on top of smacked me in the face as soon as I sat down at my desk.

Its stuff that I had enough hours in the day to deal with, but I just felt like I couldn't keep up the pace. I needed to veg. Talk about the the weather or Christmas shopping or something stupid with people by the coffee machine. But that wasn't happening. I wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed. And the feeling didn't go away all morning. I said quick, half-hearted prayers as I worked.

At lunch I really wanted to just cry and get it out and say a few heartfelt prayers. But I had a meeting at 1:30 and didn't want to come back with a red face and eyes. My sister lives about 10 minutes away so I thought I could go touch up my face if she was home, and say a prayer with her.

I called her and said are you going to be home in 10 minutes? And she said 'I can be if you want me to be!'

So I had a good cry on the way to her house. When I pulled up there was another car in the drive and at first I thought oh no who's here!? But then I realized I didn't really care.

When I walked in the door my niece Colby gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Followed by my sister. Followed by her awesome friend Theresa I was glad to see. They had all been ready to go out the door.

They offered me words of encouragement and then we stood in a circle and held hands and they prayed awesome prayers for me. And after they were done I just told God that I needed him to be my strength. I had no mental strength left at the moment. And his word promises us:

Phillipians 4:13  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

And I was definitely at a moment when I needed that strength! And at a moment when I needed to know that I can truly trust in His promises.

Then they all clobbered me with their hugs all at once. And I will always remember that moment. Standing there surrounded by love and sunlight and the beating hearts of beautiful women God has placed in my life.

And in that moment I was refreshed and filled with peace and strength of mind.

And then the cherry on top was my sister gave me her ipod. She is going through a hard time herself and one of her favorite things is her music. But she gave it to me. And all the way back to work and all afternoon I listened to great music singing of how great is our God and his promises and his love and the help he offers us.

I obviously am a bit weak. But in Him we can be strong. And at peace.

Thank God!

"Because You have been my help, I will sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7

(And I have to add at 7:30 now Friday night I am still at peace. I still had and have a ton of things to do. But the peace that settled on me in the midst of the blessing of my beautiful ladies and my loving God is still upon me. I love Him!!!!!!!!!!!! And I love how he uses his people and our circumstances to show and share his love with us.)

Peace and Happiness

The last few days when I look at Tiger Woods it makes me really grateful for what I have.

A lot of us raised in this country think the ultimate success would be to be rich and famous and beautiful. We idolize celebrities. I was told yesterday that over the last year the top 10 things googled were related to celebrities. Not even Obama or swine flu! Celebrities. 

So what happens when we 'make it' and are a rich celebrity, but we're STILL not really happy inside? Still haven't filled that emptiness? Still keep 'looking forward' to things that will make us happy inside but aren't really quite happy at the moment? Its probably a really unsettling feeling. Cause if all "this" can't make me happy, what the heck will????? And you temporarily try to fill the hole with more stuff, could be drugs or a girlfriend or a better wife.

We look for it everywhere but God, the one who created us, gave us life, knows exactly what we need to fill that hole.

Early in my marriage, before I had this change in my life, I can remember going through periods where I wondered if Jason was the right person for me. Wondered if there was one person out there perfectly meant for me and I'd missed them. 

He didn't fulfill all the desires I thought would make me happy. I didn't think he was sweet enough to me, like he had been early in our relationship. He didn't bring me flowers. He didn't bring me little cards for no reason. He doesn't like to do a lot of the things I want to. And I would have times when I focused on these things, focused totally on me, and would become pretty discontented.

James 1:15
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I never really used to get this verse, but I do now and I see it played out a lot. 

Basically we all have the same desire for peace and happiness. On our own without God's help we oftentimes seek to fill that desire with pretty selfish stuff, with sin. Not all the time, but a lot.

And when that sin is 'full-grown' it leads to death. Adultery leads to the death of a marriage. To the death of children's security and often their own hope for their own healthy marriage in the future.

The desire for peace and happiness and often leads to the abuse of drug or alcohol which can lead to the death of relationships and families. The death of peace. And many times, like in my dad's case, the literal death of that person.

Even the desire to validate and entertain ourselves by hashing through the faults of others, gossip, which I've done my share of, can lead to the death of relationships and self-esteem. 

The sin of wrapping up self-worth in career and material things also destroys marriages and relationships with children all the time.

But there is a but! We can be blessed to find that there is joy and fulfillment and peace that comes from God, that isn't dependent upon circumstances or other people.

So blessed to have that emptiness filled!!! And with something that can't be taken away.

My marriage is SO much better since I have been living with God in my life. Its not perfect. We still have arguments. But I do not base the majority of my happiness and fulfillment in him, in our relationship. In fact I am so much happier and peaceful inside having a relationship with God that I naturally treat him better, and as a result he treats me better.

I have been without God truly in my heart most of my life, and now I am with. The difference is of more worth than all the money or trophies in the world.

I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I still do things I shouldn't. I still lose my temper (but wayyyyyy less than I used to).

But overall I am filled. I am not seeking happiness but living it.

And we all can!

The gift of peace and salvation we have been given in God, in Jesus Christ, is above all others. I am so grateful to have had my life and my attitude so beautifully transformed by it.  And my husband's grateful too!

God is good.

: )