Right There Waiting

Since I got really busy at work early this month I have not been spending much time at all reading God's word or praying. Besides Christmas morning I think I've barely read my bible at all. I usually love getting up early to spend that peaceful, precious quiet time, but I've had no desire. I've just been sleeping in as late as Gianna would let me. 

And man have I felt blah! Totally disconnected from God. 

Especially the last few days. Yesterday I didn't get out of my pajamas and had to force myself to straighten up the house. Not that I don't have days like those when I'm spending time with God, but I just felt especially empty. Like I used to. I just wanted to lay on the couch and watch t.v. and live vicariously through other people.  I hardly ever watch t.v. anymore and Gianna didn't like me cutting into her regular programming, haha.

But this morning I woke up with that wide awake feeling at 5 am for the first time I think in weeks. I went into the living room and was praying by the glow of the Christmas tree. And I could just feel God. Can't really explain it, sounds crazy to some I'm sure. But its just a warmth in my heart and a gentle overall comfort. 

And I thanked him for always being there. Always waiting for us to come closer, to come back. We can turn away from him. Make the t.v. a higher priority than him. Not take the effort to kneel down for a moment to the one who has given us all we possess and experience. Live life as if he doesn't really matter at all.

But he is so gracious and forgiving and compassionate and loving that he waits for us with open arms.

So after I prayed for a bit I got up to put on some tea. I grabbed my phone and checked out a devotional I love that I normally read everyday but haven't checked since before Christmas.

The scripture for today was:

"Therefore tell the people: This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Return to me,' declares the LORD Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the LORD Almighty." Zechariah 1:3 (NIV)

It is all about what I was just praying about!

Here's an excerpt from it:

God wants us to return to Him. He stands waiting with open arms, at the ready to return to us. When He sees us coming, He runs to meet us. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him" (Luke 15:20b, NIV).

You can read the whole thing here: http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/

(the entry for Dec. 30th)

So after this I did my study on David which I also haven't done in well over a week. And today's happens to be about David and his son Absalom who he'd been estranged from. And the author in talking about this goes into the story of the prodigal son, as mentioned in the verse above from the devotional! 

You can read the entire passage here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+15%3A11-32&version=NIV

Here's an explanation of the passage I just googled:

The father is a picture of the Heavenly Father. God waits patiently, with loving compassion to restore us when we return to him with humble hearts. He offers us everything in his kingdom, restoring full relationship with joyful celebration. He doesn't even dwell on our past waywardness.

It brings to mind the good old Richard Marx song, lol. 

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. 

Thank God  : )

I have good news and bad news.

The worst of the bad news I won't share here but some family members I love very much are going through a horrible time right here a week before Christmas. 

And the other bad news is the last couple weeks I have pretty much felt like the old days at work and have massive amounts of work to do. I spent little time with Gianna last week cause I worked late or brought work home.

I have not been too upset about this because I am hopefully, if all goes well, about to have 12 days off. 12 days to spend with my baby and my husband and my God! I have barely read my bible and spent little time in prayer the last 2 weeks. I am feeling a bit dry and weary. 

I am hoping things go smoother in the new year because I cannot live like this on a regular basis anymore. Especially not with a 2 year old who loves her Mama.

And I honestly could skip the Christmas celebrations this week because I've never had it so not feel like Christmas before. It may as well be June or February.

Haven't watched any Christmas movies or baked any cookies and I bought a huge pile of Target giftcards for presents and just made a quick trip to Toys R Us with my mom to get some stuff for Gianna.

BUT, despite how I am feeling right now in my circumstances, there IS good news.

Luke 2:9-11 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

We humans are so fickle. God did great and mighty miracles for the Israelites and days later when their circumstances weren't ideal they forgot and doubted and didn't trust God anymore.

I have to admit that over the last couple weeks I find myself wanting to doubt. Especially with reading little of God's word and spending little time in prayer with him, I feel disconnected. I find myself looking at some of the hard circumstances around me and beginning to doubt and question God and his goodness. It is easy to focus on the bad, focus on all that is wrong in the world and want to blame God.

But I am forgetting all that I have experienced myself and seen others experience! Forgetting all that I have read in his word. Amazing that even in a fleeting moment I could ever forget how he saved my heart and my soul and my mind from such despair. 

How he put a new song in my mouth and gave me a firm place to stand.

He is my savior. In more ways than one. And people can scoff at him and make sarcastic baby Jesus comments about him on Facebook all day long. They haven't experienced or invited his power or his peace in their lives.

He is everything we need in every situation. He is the greatest of all gifts! 

Philippians 4:4 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

The most obvious reason to rejoice is he has paid the penalty for all we've done wrong and secured us eternal life.

But there's so much more. My pastor went over this list (much more in detail) on Sunday:

He shapes our days.

He secures our future.

He stands by his promises.

He satisfies our longings.

He stays by our side.

He strengthens us in our weakness.

He supplies our needs.

He shepherds us in every circumstance.

He sympathizes with us in our difficulties.

He saves us from our failures.

Amen!

I am so grateful for Him. For His birth. For His death. And for him raising up from it.

He has defeated our worst fear and will help us through all the others.

Merry CHRISTmas!  : )

Strength

The last few days have been pretty intense for me at work. My awesome co-workers have been hugely helpful, but wednesday and thursday were super intense preparing for a big meeting. It was the constant feeling of oh-my-gosh-I-have-to-get-this-done-right-now. All day long. Plus phone calls and emails that need attention constantly coming through.

I'll admit that a few times I felt close to panic. I'm just not built for this stuff anymore! I used to sometimes get a high from accomplishing these crazy tight deadlines. Not so much anymore. God did give me blessings here and there throughout that gave me relief at the point of crying. A hug from my friend Debbie in the kitchen. Connie doing shotlists for me. An encouraging email from a friend. Bryan making things clear for me. Jerome driving me all the way to the meeting and back to my car even though it was out of his way and he could have went straight home. (I was too frazzled to drive after the mad dash creating the comp). And my husband having the house amazingly clean when I got home and saying we were going out for dinner. 

But still at the end of each day I felt like a wet noodle. 

So yesterday morning with the big meeting behind me for the moment, I thought I would have a few moments of relief, take it easy, let my mind rest a little. But emails and phone calls and questions and realizations of things I needed to be on top of smacked me in the face as soon as I sat down at my desk.

Its stuff that I had enough hours in the day to deal with, but I just felt like I couldn't keep up the pace. I needed to veg. Talk about the the weather or Christmas shopping or something stupid with people by the coffee machine. But that wasn't happening. I wanted to cry. I felt overwhelmed. And the feeling didn't go away all morning. I said quick, half-hearted prayers as I worked.

At lunch I really wanted to just cry and get it out and say a few heartfelt prayers. But I had a meeting at 1:30 and didn't want to come back with a red face and eyes. My sister lives about 10 minutes away so I thought I could go touch up my face if she was home, and say a prayer with her.

I called her and said are you going to be home in 10 minutes? And she said 'I can be if you want me to be!'

So I had a good cry on the way to her house. When I pulled up there was another car in the drive and at first I thought oh no who's here!? But then I realized I didn't really care.

When I walked in the door my niece Colby gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Followed by my sister. Followed by her awesome friend Theresa I was glad to see. They had all been ready to go out the door.

They offered me words of encouragement and then we stood in a circle and held hands and they prayed awesome prayers for me. And after they were done I just told God that I needed him to be my strength. I had no mental strength left at the moment. And his word promises us:

Phillipians 4:13  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

And I was definitely at a moment when I needed that strength! And at a moment when I needed to know that I can truly trust in His promises.

Then they all clobbered me with their hugs all at once. And I will always remember that moment. Standing there surrounded by love and sunlight and the beating hearts of beautiful women God has placed in my life.

And in that moment I was refreshed and filled with peace and strength of mind.

And then the cherry on top was my sister gave me her ipod. She is going through a hard time herself and one of her favorite things is her music. But she gave it to me. And all the way back to work and all afternoon I listened to great music singing of how great is our God and his promises and his love and the help he offers us.

I obviously am a bit weak. But in Him we can be strong. And at peace.

Thank God!

"Because You have been my help, I will sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 63:7

(And I have to add at 7:30 now Friday night I am still at peace. I still had and have a ton of things to do. But the peace that settled on me in the midst of the blessing of my beautiful ladies and my loving God is still upon me. I love Him!!!!!!!!!!!! And I love how he uses his people and our circumstances to show and share his love with us.)

Peace and Happiness

The last few days when I look at Tiger Woods it makes me really grateful for what I have.

A lot of us raised in this country think the ultimate success would be to be rich and famous and beautiful. We idolize celebrities. I was told yesterday that over the last year the top 10 things googled were related to celebrities. Not even Obama or swine flu! Celebrities. 

So what happens when we 'make it' and are a rich celebrity, but we're STILL not really happy inside? Still haven't filled that emptiness? Still keep 'looking forward' to things that will make us happy inside but aren't really quite happy at the moment? Its probably a really unsettling feeling. Cause if all "this" can't make me happy, what the heck will????? And you temporarily try to fill the hole with more stuff, could be drugs or a girlfriend or a better wife.

We look for it everywhere but God, the one who created us, gave us life, knows exactly what we need to fill that hole.

Early in my marriage, before I had this change in my life, I can remember going through periods where I wondered if Jason was the right person for me. Wondered if there was one person out there perfectly meant for me and I'd missed them. 

He didn't fulfill all the desires I thought would make me happy. I didn't think he was sweet enough to me, like he had been early in our relationship. He didn't bring me flowers. He didn't bring me little cards for no reason. He doesn't like to do a lot of the things I want to. And I would have times when I focused on these things, focused totally on me, and would become pretty discontented.

James 1:15
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I never really used to get this verse, but I do now and I see it played out a lot. 

Basically we all have the same desire for peace and happiness. On our own without God's help we oftentimes seek to fill that desire with pretty selfish stuff, with sin. Not all the time, but a lot.

And when that sin is 'full-grown' it leads to death. Adultery leads to the death of a marriage. To the death of children's security and often their own hope for their own healthy marriage in the future.

The desire for peace and happiness and often leads to the abuse of drug or alcohol which can lead to the death of relationships and families. The death of peace. And many times, like in my dad's case, the literal death of that person.

Even the desire to validate and entertain ourselves by hashing through the faults of others, gossip, which I've done my share of, can lead to the death of relationships and self-esteem. 

The sin of wrapping up self-worth in career and material things also destroys marriages and relationships with children all the time.

But there is a but! We can be blessed to find that there is joy and fulfillment and peace that comes from God, that isn't dependent upon circumstances or other people.

So blessed to have that emptiness filled!!! And with something that can't be taken away.

My marriage is SO much better since I have been living with God in my life. Its not perfect. We still have arguments. But I do not base the majority of my happiness and fulfillment in him, in our relationship. In fact I am so much happier and peaceful inside having a relationship with God that I naturally treat him better, and as a result he treats me better.

I have been without God truly in my heart most of my life, and now I am with. The difference is of more worth than all the money or trophies in the world.

I am not perfect. I still have bad days. I still do things I shouldn't. I still lose my temper (but wayyyyyy less than I used to).

But overall I am filled. I am not seeking happiness but living it.

And we all can!

The gift of peace and salvation we have been given in God, in Jesus Christ, is above all others. I am so grateful to have had my life and my attitude so beautifully transformed by it.  And my husband's grateful too!

God is good.

: )

Heavenly

I was just thinking this morning as I prayed how awesome God is. A jeweler may be able to make a beautiful ring that sparkles with diamonds, and other people will admire the ring and ooh and ahh and envy it. 

But God created the heavens, he set each star in place as if a diamond in a magnificently glorious setting. Nothing we humans could craft with our tiny little hands could ever even come close to the sparkling majesty of the night sky when you're away from the city.

Then after I was praying I came across this verse, its the verse for the day in the devotional I'm reading:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like the stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life.  Phillipians 2:14-16

When we walk in his way and live by his word and hold out his promises to others - literally and in the way that we live - we shine as beautifully as the stars.

: )

Light of the World

Isaiah 9:2; 60:2

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.

See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

John 8:12

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

In my Praying the Names of Jesus book it focuses this week on the name 'Light of the World'.

This has always been one of my very favorite descriptions of God, because I have so clearly experienced why He is called that. 

The author talks about her little girl and how she is scared of the dark and of the thought of monsters. But how cracking her door so a little light from the hall can spill in helps put her mind at rest.

When I went through the worst point of my anxiety and depression it was the darkest time of my life. I felt like a kid in a dark room. Scared, small and helpless. Not sure what to do or what was going to happen next. Controlled by my circumstances. Definitely fearing the worst. 

But knowing and trusting in God and his promises has filled my soul with light. It has scattered all that darkness and misery and fear that hung on me like a wet blanket. I can see the path he has laid in front of me. 

And even when tragedy has struck, when circumstances have taken a turn for the worst, He has been with me. I will never again walk alone in darkness, for his light is there brightly shining.

I am thinking now too of some stories I heard the other night. I got the chance to sit and talk with the missionaries to Africa I wrote about before. They see darkness shattered by light all the time. They were telling us about a man who is one of the police for one of the highest in govt. I can't remember his title, but the group of police directly beneath him are brutal. They will go into a village and rape women just to do it. He said once 30 of these men all took turns raping one woman. 

This man has now became a Christian. His wife did first and was praying for him. She says he even looks different. His dark and evil actions have turned to actions of light and love. And he is sharing the the light he has found with the other men around him and they too are turning away from the darkness.

2 Samuel 22:29-31 (New International Version)

 ²⁹ You are my lamp, O LORD; 
       the LORD turns my darkness into light.

 ³⁰ With your help I can advance against a troop; 
       with my God I can scale a wall.

 ³¹ "As for God, his way is perfect; 
       the word of the LORD is flawless. 
       He is a shield 
       for all who take refuge in him.

Here's the rest of the chapter for today from the book:

In the darkness our fears have a tendency to multiply, failings become exaggerated, challenges seem insurmountable. We need daylight to restore our perspective.

But even the daylight holds its share of darkness. The prophet Isaiah speaks of a world covered in thick darkness. He is talking about the spiritual darkness brought on by sin. Sin, in fact, is pregnant with darkness. It gives birth to famine, war, genocide, drug addiction, child abuse, divorce, petty hatred, and even small-town gossip. Some of us have become so conditioned to the world's darkness that we've begun to call crooked things straight and good things bent. Because of sin and its attendant darkness, even the happiest life ends tragically, in a grave.

But Jesus came in order to recast our "unhappily ever after" endings, to put a stop to what had been a nonstop tragedy. He did this by confronting the darkest of our fears - by taking on death itself. Happily, as St. Paul says, death has been swallowed up in Christ's victory. Darkness has been extinguished by light. In his light we see light.

But still we fear. We tremble before life's substantial challenges - difficult marriages, problems with children, personal weaknesses, illness, financial instability. There are times when we find ourselves walking into the darkness and crying out for the light. When that happens, we need to affirm the words of the psalmist who said to our powerful God:

Psalm 139:11-12 

 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me 
       and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you; 
       the night will shine like the day, 
       for darkness is as light to you.

Amen! Our God is what I am most thankful for today. Thankful that he is our light, our lamp, our spotlight in the dark.  Thankful that Christ loved us enough to stand in our place and take the penalty for all that we have done wrong that we may be right before our great and mighty God.

Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp to my feet 
       and a light for my path.

Healed

I have to start out describing Brenda, an amazing woman from my old church. She is a big, beautiful and wise African-American grandmother. She just exudes kindness and faith and love and warmth and wisdom. I miss her right now, haven't seen her in a long time. Miss her kind, pretty face and her sweet voice.

A few years ago my friend was having some concerns that her child could possibly be autistic. I asked for prayer for him in a prayer group at church. Afterward Brenda called me over to her and told me I needed to put some blessed oil on him whenever I went over there. I asked her where I was to get the blessed oil and she told me to pray over it with Jason. To ask God to bless the oil, knowing that the power isn't in the oil, that its in God, but ask for his presence and anointing to be in the oil. (Those weren't her exact words, but thats the gist of it.)

So that night I researched oil and anointing and blessing with it and I wrote a prayer. I put some olive oil in a plain glass bottle and Jason and I later said the prayer together over the bottle.

I have to admit I never once put any on my friends child. I thought she would think I was nuts. My new faith at the time was a big change for her, and I thought if I go over there with holy oil wanting to put it on her kid she's probably gonna think I'm insane. So I just continued praying for him. 

(and just so you know he isn't autistic)

I did however start putting it on me. I knew we were going to start trying to get pregnant in a few months. So each day when I got dressed I would put a dab on my abdomen and ask God to bless my womb and let me be healthy and fertile and I'd say a little prayer for the baby to come.

I have had a pretty bad chronic bladder problem my entire life. Since I was about 5, I don't think I've gone a month without some degree of bladder infection. I couldn't go two weeks without it giving me some sort of pain/discomfort. As I kid I went in the hospital for tests and they couldn't find anything wrong so I just had to deal with it.

I can remember one day in highschool when I worked at Champs, being in the backroom and being unable to move my bladder hurt so bad. Sometimes each step felt like somebody was jabbing it with a knife.

I have cried in cars feeling like we would never make it to a bathroom more times than I can count. I peed on the George Washington bridge in NYC in a traffic jam.

And of course I couldn't be on antibiotics all the time, so usually I would drink tons of water and flush it out. Which meant going to the bathroom like every 15 minutes. When I first started at a new job it really scared me that my desk was on the opposite side of the building from the bathroom, and it did end up being a horrible painful issue at times.

One of my biggest fears was the thought of getting pregnant. Normal people have problems with their bladder when they're pregnant, I figured I'd be incapacitated. And I was starting to get scared that my bladder wasn't going to be able hold out like that my whole life. I had fears of having to have it removed. Sometimes in the middle of the night I'd panic a little thinking about it. 

But I'll never forget the day I pulled in my driveway and it dawned on me that my bladder hadn't hurt in like 5 months. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed before then! I think I am one of the most unobservant people ever. I was about 3 months pregnant.

I wanted to shout to the world that I'd been healed, but I was so scared to tell anyone cause I thought what if it comes back. What if it has something to do with me being pregnant? But as my belly got enormous sometimes in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom I would get down on my knees and thank God from the bottom of my heart for healing me. Sometimes Gianna would kick and it would hurt my bladder. I would never had made it the way I was before.

The first time I got a bladder infection I started to think oh no, maybe I wasn't healed. But it went away and didn't come back! People with healthy bladders get infections occasionally too!

And now its been 4 years!!!  : )

And I had prayed to God many, many times to heal my bladder, but I think I had kinda given up, hadn't done that in a while. But God does things on his time I guess, not ours! 

I think its funny too that right around the time I started putting on the oil I had gotten the name of a urologist cause I couldn't take it anymore. I totally forgot both appointments. The night before I knew I had an appt in the morning, but both times I completely forgot and drove right to work, not remembering until later in the day. I was too embarrassed to call back for a 3rd appointment so I said forget it.

If I had went to that doctor I would have totally thought whatever he recommended had fixed my bladder! I know now I was meant to miss those appointments.

I have tried the oil on my psoriasis and it hasn't worked. I don't think its magical oil that will cure any disease, but I do know that God had a purpose in it for me!

And I am sooo grateful to Him and so happy I listened to Brenda. : )

Psalm 30:2
O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.