Too Much

I went back and forth so much on my last blog. At one point I think I shared way too much. Not sure how many read it at that point, hoping not too many!

Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, for now just saying I'm sorry if my last blog was TMI. : )

A Beautiful Thing

I am so blown away right now by something God did for me. By how amazingly he answered prayer for me. 

About 2 weeks ago, I prayed to God and asked him some questions relating to sex. I even asked him specifically about a couple things. I had no idea how he would answer me, for I've never seen sex discussed in detail in a Christian context, but I asked anyway.

And I COULD NOT BELIEVE how fast and specifically the answers arrived! 

A friend sent me a link to something unrelated on a website of this church out in Seattle. It was really good, and the pastor is really interesting and young, so I went looking around on the website. In a long list of sermons, one stood out to me called the Peasant Princess. I just liked the name of it. I click on it and it turns out to be a 10 week series on sexuality, love and marriage!!! 

It is all based on The Song of Songs, a book in the bible that is a series of love letters between King Solomon and his wife. It is very beautiful and poetic and intimate.

Just to show you what its like, here's how the book starts out:

² Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— 

       for your love is more delightful than wine.

 ³ Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; 
       your name is like perfume poured out. 
       No wonder the maidens love you!

 ⁴ Take me away with you—let us hurry! 
       Let the king bring me into his chambers.

This is in the bible! And through this book God reveals that within the sacred covenant of marriage, sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and nothing is wrong with it in his sight if it is between the two of you (not including thoughts or images of others).

It is beautiful, and from God, and despite my past actions/experiences, and even if the world corrupts it and trivializes it and abuses or misuses it, it still doesn't change that fact that between my husband and I, it is a beautiful thing! There is nothing shameful or wrong about it. God created it!! (Maybe you already knew that, I thought I did too, but deep down inside I guess a part of me wasn't 100% sure.)

And the specific questions I asked were answered! And after I finished listening to all those sermons, I randomly clicked on another series (called Religion Saves and other Misconceptions), and the first talk answered the one last question I had!

This has fully put to bed some issues and struggles I've had in the past. I feel as if I've been healed. 

I HAVE been healed! Spiritually and emotionally. My soul rejoices. I am so grateful. 

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

And through these talks also I was so inspired to take the time to look prettier for my husband.  Stories were told, one of a guy who's wife never tries to look pretty except when she's going out. She said 'but nobody sees me at home!' And he said 'I do!' and I realized I kinda do the same thing.

And to be an oasis to him, not a nag, which I am many times. Jason comes in the door from a very stressful day and I want him to go do this or how come you didn't do this?!

And I think how our men are constantly faced with images of beautiful, sexy women everywhere they turn. Billboards, tv, movies, magazines. I want him to think of me as pretty and enticing too. I may not be able to look like a Victoria's Secret model, but here I've been going to bed in old t-shirts and jason's pajama bottoms. Yeah baby!!!

And I can't believe just in the last couple weeks, after taking the time to be sweeter, to look nicer, wear some girly pj's and be more affectionate with my husband, how much sweeter he is to me. 

As time goes by I am delighted to find how true it is that God, and his word, are sufficient to meet ALL of our needs! Every single one of 'em. 

Isaiah 9:6
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I am so grateful that He is my Counselor, my Father, the Prince that brings Peace to my soul. So grateful to be under his Grace and Love and Forgiveness. The God who is mighty to save me and and correct me and heal me.

He created us! He knows how to fix us. I think sometimes its just that we have to ask.

I cannot imagine where I would be without Him, but I know where I am with Him. In a precious place that seems to keep getting better, even if my circumstances aren't always perfect.

God is amazing!!!!  He blows me away.

: )

The links to the talks I reference:

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/religionsaves

Unselfish Hearts

On Sunday they opened up with a video of members of our church sharing trials and troubles they are going through. They were backlit, so you could only see the outline of their hair and hear their voice.

One woman shared that she has to leave for Afghanistan soon and she has a 2 year old daughter. The daughter's father is not involved in her life which makes it even harder.

Its funny how we relate to the things that are close to our hearts. I'm sure worse things were shared, but all that sticks out in my mind is this. I cried then and have cried since. I can't imagine leaving my precious little girl. Can not imagine the horror of knowing that she wouldn't really understand why I had to leave.

I asked people,' but can they MAKE her go'? Make her leave her two year old?? And thought if they could I would just take a dishonorable discharge. 

And thats why I am not one of the amazing, honorable people in our military.

And it just hit me that there are TONS of people over there who are parents! The sacrifice they are making for our freedom!!!!!!! I know I always knew this, but I guess I never had it truly hit me in the heart. 

We are so blessed that there are so many who are willing to leave behind the most important thing in the world to secure our peace. They know how precious it is to sleep peacefully in a bed with your children snuggled up next to you. Even if their knee is in your side and you're about to fall off the edge, you are still sleeping in peace that you and your children are safe.

And these heroes sleep who knows where and alone and missing their loved ones that we may enjoy ours. God bless them.

And I am so grateful to God. So grateful that he hears us. I am grateful that he has repeatedly and undoubtedly demonstrated the power of his word and the power of prayer in my life. And he even tells us in his word that the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective. (James 5:16)

It is amazing that by his grace he can allow little old me to make a difference. That there is actually  SOMEthing I can do for that mother and her 2 year old. Even if its just taking some time to lift up their hurting hearts to our great God. Asking him to comfort them. Asking Him to let that little 2 year old girl find comfort in talking to her Mommy on the phone or maybe seeing her on a computer. That it would be enough to get her through.

And there are so many thousands more like them! Tonight when you lie comfortably in your bed, or when you tuck in your little ones in the comfort of your home, say a prayer for them. That God would comfort them, give them peace in their hearts. That supernaturally a phone call would fill the longing in their hearts as if it had been a week at home.

Oh my gosh I can't imagine. 

Thank God for their beautiful, giving, unselfish hearts.

Gaps

A little over a month ago I was flipping around stations on the tv and I stopped on Rocky. I have never actually watched the movie, but of course I know the story, know that there also was a love story involved between Rocky and Adrian.

I only watched like 5 minutes of it. It was the part when that guy said to Rocky he didn't see what he saw in his sister. It caught my attention. Cause I thought what a mean/funny thing for a brother to say about his sister.

Then, when Rocky answered that she filled gaps, I thought it was an interesting and unexpected answer. The guys like what do you mean gaps? And Rocky's like I don't know, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill the gaps. 

After that I kept clicking through the channels. 

2 days later, I look at one of my daily email devotionals, and this was it:

January 15th - Filling the Gaps.

Genesis 2:18 - It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.

God created Adam in a state of isolation in the garden; he had no human counterpart. So God fashioned a woman to meet his need for intimacy. In the original text, the Hebrew word for "suitable helper" means "one matching him". 

Adam needed someone who could complement him because he was inadequate by himself. And this illustrates a third purpose of marriage: to complete one another.

Perhaps you saw the original "Rocky" film before Sylvester Stallone started spinning off sequels left and right. Do you remember the love relationship Rocky had with Adrian in "Rocky"? She was the little wallflower who worked in the pet shop, the sister of Pauly, an insensitive goon who worked at the meat house and wanted to become a collector of debts for a loan shark.

Pauly couldn't understand why Rocky was attracted to Adrian. "I don't see it," he said. "What's the attraction?"

Do you remember Rocky's answer? I doubt that the scriptwriters had any idea what they were saying, but they perfectly exemplified the principle for a suitable helper from Genesis 2. 

Rocky said, "I don't know, fills gaps I guess."

"What gaps?"

"She's got gaps, I got gaps. Together we fill the gaps."

In his simple but profound way, Rocky hit upon a great truth. He was saying that he and Adrian each had empty places in their lives. But when the two of them got together, they filled those blank spots in one another. And thats exactly what God did when he fasioned a helpmate suitable for Adam. She filled his empty places, and he filled hers. Have you given much thought to the gaps you fill in your mate's life, and vice versa? There's never been any doubt in my mind that I need my wife Barbara, that she fill my "gaps". I need her because she tells me the truth about myself, both the good, the bad and otherwise. I need her to add a different perspective to relationships and people. She also adds variety and spice to my life.

Prayer: That God would give you a thankful heart for these differences.

Discuss: What gaps do you fill in each others life?

Can you believe that? This movie's like 30 years old, I watch one scene, and get this 2 days later. Thats gotta be like the chances of winning the lotto or the Lion's winning the superbowl. Guess I should pay attention to this message!

Amnesia

Its funny how quickly we forget. 

Funny how many times I pray for something, my prayer is answered in the way I requested, and I don't even think about it or say thank you until a later date!!!!!

Lately I have been a little less passionate in my faith and I know it is because I am beginning to forget how I got here in the first place. I'm starting to think I was this girl all along. Forgetting where I came from!

Forgetting when I had no peace in my soul and cried each day on the way to work cause I couldn't hold it together anymore. Forgetting that each night I awoke half way through with a fear and a dread in the pit of my stomach.

Forgetting that life felt so pain-filled and difficult.

Forgetting the joy and the gratitude I felt when I was set free from those things and shown that God is real and he is my help and my salvation and my peace and my everything!

I couldn't shut up about it cause it was so fresh. Like someone had just saved me from drowning in a raging river. And He had.

Last night I was leafing around in my journal from back in my 'newly in-love' days, in the beginning of my new-found strong faith.

Looking at all the prayers answered. The biggest of all, before even my bad times really started, I was praying for God to lead Jason and I to more fulfilling lives! Boy did he ever! 

How about I prayed that God would bless us with beautiful healthy babies AND I prayed that God would provide a way for us to not have to drop them at daycare! And our family all offered to watch her, we would have never asked.

Or "I believe that the Lord is going to bless me with peaceful sleep. I believe he's going to surround me with his angels and chase away any negative infulences that have caused me to struggle in my sleep". Gone! 

And this one, which took awhile, but just came to pass - "Please help me to conquer my tendency to be unorganized and messy. Please fill me with a spirit of cleanliness and order. PLEASE help me overcome the physical chaos in my life. I cannot do it without your grace and your help".

I had tried sooo many times.

And then bigger stuff, like please let our friend survive and fully recover from a deeply embedded brain tumor.

Please let my husband survive cancer so my family can remain intact!!!

Or how about please reveal yourself to my siblings. Its so crazy that my brother's kids, including teenagers, are all of a sudden all involved in youth group and the whole family involved in church! Where the heck did that come from?!!!! 

I know that our prayers aren't always answered in the way we would like. But a lot of times, even when they are, how quickly we forget!

I'm going to share a journal entry from May 22nd 2007:

Today was beautiful. In the morning we went down to the shore where Jesus called out to Simon and Peter where they were fishing. There is a little waterfall shooting out onto the beach.

Then we went to Capernaum, where they have the remains of Peter's house, where Jesus also lived. And the synagogue, where Jesus shockingly preached that He is the bread of life.

Then we went to the Mount of Beatitudes where Jesus preached the Beatitudes to 5,000 people. (you can read them here )

Then we went somewhere that changed me forever I know. The remains of a synagogue in Chorazin where Jesus preached. And Bill told the story of how Jewish men would become betrothed to their wives. Before they were married, they would sit with the woman and give her a glass of wine, saying "This is the covenant of my blood..." If the woman poured it out, she rejected him. But if she drank it, she was entering into a covenant, a promise with him, that she is pledged to him, and he will prepare a place for them in his families home, and when the place is ready for her, he will come back and get her.

So when Jesus presented the wine to the disciples and said "This is the covenant of my blood..." they knew he was saying this is a promise that he loves us and is pledged to us and he is going to prepare a place for us and he will be back for us.

You probably had to be there. Or you probably had to be me, but there was so much more said and it was maybe the most profound moment in my life. 

I was one of the last to come in, so I got a seat more by myself, more toward the center. I was sitting on the ground leaning my back against a column. All of the stones were a dark charcoalish color, and the ground was gravel of the same color. It was nice to be sitting more by myself because I was so overcome and I really cried. I just put my face in my knees and cried. I can still see the dark splotches falling onto the rocks through blurry eyes.

I felt SOOOOOO loved. I have never before or since felt such strong and tangible feeling of love as I did in that moment.

So cared for. So secure. So much more than had I even just been married. 

Jesus Christ. The beautiful, gorgeous, all-powerful and MIGHTY Messiah. Loves me. And I felt it. (And he loves you)

After we prayed, I weepily shared with the group how sad it is that there is so much adultery. People are looking for that 'in-love' feeling.

I left a space to continue writing, but never got around to it. I was just going to say that people are looking for that high. That in-love feeling we all know and love and is better than anything. And we seek it sometimes in ways that hurt us and hurt others and lead to nothing but brokenness and broken hearts and broken families and broken lives.

And all along there is our God, our Creator, who loves us more perfectly than anyone down here ever will. Who can fill our hearts to the brim with satisfaction, can fill our holes and wants and needs.

But we often keep looking in the wrong places!!!

I remember that night sitting on my bed in our hotel room in Jerusalem. Jesus seemed so real to me. Like I had just been with him. Like I wanted to run back and give him a hug. Like if you had just left the airport from seeing someone you realllly loved and the feeling of wanting to just see them for one more minute and embrace them.

It brought tears to my eyes, but my sister reminded me that he is in my heart. He is with me always. He is in the precious words that I read each day, that fill me with hope and encouragement and PEACE.

Peace, which I so greatly used to lack, but now so greatly possess.  (Which I'm starting to forget!)

He is there to hear my thoughts, my prayers, my whispers, my cries, any time of day or night. And I know that he does because He always answers. Sometimes in subtle ways. Sometimes in outrageously amazing ways.

In the old testament, when God would do something great in someone's lives, they would often build a monument where it happened. So they wouldn't forget. Because they often did and we often do.

Just writing this blog has been huge for me this morning. I can't wait to get down on my knees and pray and read what God has for me this morning is his precious word.

And I think I am going to paint a monument. A monument to the great miracle God has done in my life. Not sure exactly what thats going to look like, but I'm sure he'll guide me!

Here is a link to the albums of my Israel trip, and a bigger photo of my special place  : )

Album 1

and

Album 2

Shock and Awe

Most of my day today was pretty bad, at least it felt like it was anyway.

Jason and I have always gotten pretty hefty tax returns and greatly looked forward to them. They've been pretty good every year since we've been married and seemed to get a little bigger each year.

But last night Jason did our taxes and came upstairs with horrendous news. Our return is less than 25% of what it was last year. And if we hadn't given more to charity this year than last, we would have actually owed the govt money. 

We were shocked. We are going to go see an accountant next week to see if somethings wrong, but we kinda doubt it. Jason has been doing our taxes the same way every year. 

I cried a lot this morning. We went from anticipating a big step forward financially, to taking 5 steps back and actually being more in debt. We will not be able to pay off all the stuff we've purchased recently.  And its not stuff we can take back now. And we definitely won't be paying off a credit card like we were planning.

It is a big lesson learned. I will never again spend money before I have it, even if I am sure I will be getting it. There was no doubt in my mind we'd be getting this money because we always have and we didn't do anything different! Something changed somewhere though, thats for sure!

So I was really upset. I'll be honest and share that I was so tempted to want to be a little mad at God, because we have been faithful and generous with what he gives us, so it was almost a feeling of how could you let this happen to us. How horrible is that! I was fighting the thought, but it was there in the back of my mind I will admit, even though I knew it was wrong.

(And I know too that my problem is so insignificant compared to others. Such as the people of Haiti. In light of what they are living through, my problems seem ridiculous. But they are still real and frustrating and disappointing to me.)

I got an encouraging message from my friend Lori on Facebook that made me feel a little better, and I took some time and worked on my bible study that helped too and was kinda relevant to what I was feeling.

But I really felt better when Jason went out and got Gianna a little plastic sled. We suited up and went out wandering in the snow. Gianna loved it and it was so beautiful. 2 of my absolute favorites in nature are watching the sun come up and walking in a snow storm. In those moments more than any other I am in awe and feel like I can sense God's majestic and peaceful presence. 

And as we walked I realized the precious gifts that I have. Especially my husband who had cancer and is now healthy, and my sweet little healthy baby girl. And the beauty surrounding me in an absolutely precious perfect moment. I said a prayer aloud for all of us as we strolled along.

It was like a hug from my father in heaven after a long bad day.

God is good. Even when my tax return sucks, God is still Good! Um, yeah. Duh.

I love him, and I am so thankful for his peace.

We cannot change the past, but God can help us look to the future with a different perspective and with hope that we can do ALL things with his help.

Nothing is too big for Him. And nothing is too big for us when we rest assured that He will get us through our trials.

Psalm 118:7
The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.

(And my enemy in this case is the bondage we are in to our debts. A history of bad decisions and bad choices have left us slaves to our lenders. But we will triumph over them and their high interest rates! We are on our way. : )

A little cup of love.

My sistah told me a really touching story yesterday. I might not have every small detail correct, but you'll get the gist of it.

She is a mentor in our MOPS group at church (Mothers of Preschool Children). She said they had a christmas tea in December and everyone brought a pretty tea cup. They used it for the tea and then afterward you washed your cup and filled it with little goodies and tied it up with a bible verse to give as a gift to someone.

Earlier this week one woman shared the story of what happened with her cup. She knew who she wanted to give hers to the day they had the tea. A cousin of hers had recently lost her husband and was having a hard time. She said he was the sweetest man. The type that was always doing thoughtful little things for her. Like taking note when she would comment on something in a store and then buy it later for a gift.

Her cousin lived out of state and was going to be in town for a day or two at a relatives house, but if I remember correctly I think they were going to miss each other. So the woman left the cup on the bed of the room she would be staying in.

After her cousin found the cup she called her up crying. She said once when her and her husband were on vacation she had commented on a pretty coffee cup while out shopping. He had gone back and gotten it for her and later gave it to her as a gift. But along the way the cup had been broken and discarded.

But the cup with the verse she left on the bed was that exact same cup! She said she treasured it and was afraid she wouldn't be able to get it all the way home in one piece.

How cool is that? Of all the coffee cups in the world. 

To me that is a great example of how God loves us and knows and cares for the biggest and the littlest details of our lives. And knows how to comfort us better than any other.

Isaiah 49:16 

 ¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; 
       your walls are ever before me.

Psalm 94:18-19 

 ¹⁸ When I said, "My foot is slipping," 
       your love, O LORD, supported me.

 ¹⁹ When anxiety was great within me, 
       your consolation brought joy to my soul.