Still here!

Guess I haven't had anything specific to say! Lots of good little things going on. Really enjoying answers to prayer, like my husband going to church with us after 6 years of me going alone : )  And he missed this last weekend because of family stuff and Sunday night while we ate dinner he actually asked me what church was about!

Also enjoying my best friend, again after 6 years of prayer, all of a sudden taking interest in the bible and reading it and discussing it with me! Even called me up laughing one time saying listen to what Jesus said! lol. (Referring to him saying how can you take the splinter out of your brothers eye, when there's a plank sticking out of yours! : )

And just happy Spring is almost here and trying to be mindful and thankful for all the things God has given me. Nothing more precious to me right now than each night gathering around our little candlelit table, music in the background, saying prayers, hearing Gianna say what she's thankful for, and just being together. We started it at the beginning of winter and now its our everyday thing. : )

I am finding more and more how truly powerful giving thanks to God is. Sunday morning I just felt kinda blah. So on the way to church I said to Gianna we are going to thank God all the way to church, just for anything we are thankful for. And for 15 minutes, all the way there, thats what we did. Just said out loud every good thing we are blessed with. And by the time we got there the blah had lifted and we both had sunshine in our soul. And after the awesome service I walked out of there with joy in my heart. God is so good. Can't imagine life without him. Actually I can cause I lived it!

This is kind of unrelated, but its a poem I took comfort in when Jason's dad died. His sister posted it the other day, I googled it just now to copy and paste and its actually a hymn:


God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.


But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.


So true!

Darkness into Light

4 years ago i was blessed to go to Israel. One of the locations we went to was Caesara Phillipi. This is what I wrote in my journal about what I experienced there:

I was given a gift, a sort of vision, as Pastor Brad was talking about being sure that we are enshrining Christ in our hearts, and not giving other things in our lives the place only God should occupy.

I got a very clear picture in my mind that my chest, the area around my heart, was glowing, and it was soooooo beautiful, like one of those glass mexican candles with beautiful art and scripture on them.

It tells me that the treasure of this world, or I should say, the most beautiful, sacred, holy treasure in the universe, more precious than diamonds and rubies, exists inside of me. (Just like in the bible it says our body is His temple.) God lives in my heart. He gifts me with his presence each day. He even goes to work with me. He makes me a holy vessel and carries me. I feel so blessed by God. It is amazing how He can love us all so perfectly and individually. He is so good.

One of my first paintings was an attempt at expressing this vision (the heart). It was pretty but nowhere near. This painting comes closer, but I know there will still be a better one to come!

But just as anxiety is a very real thing that dwells in your chest, that you can feel, that affects you, that is truly present, sometimes even making it hard to breathe ~ so is the light and love and peace of Christ. I experienced a miracle in the way He replaced all the darkness and turmoil inside me with light and peace. I still have my bad days, but I have many more that are filled with hope and sometimes a literal warmth and comfort in my chest.

2 Samuel 22:29 - You are my lamp o Lord, the Lord turns my darkness into light.

I am also including a drawing I did of myself in college, probably about 19 years old, long before God had any significant place in my life. I think they speak for themselves.

(It just hit me looking at these - I didn't pull out the old image until I was nearly done with the new one. Never had it in mind. Yet the composition is so similar, even off to the left a little. And the expression and difference in cold and warmth are obvious, but it just hit me that in the old one I look naked, bare, exposed, but in the new I have warm beautiful garments wrapped around my shoulders :o)

Other crazy thing is this painting of me is the biggest I've done. 20 x 24. And I never intended to do it that large, but had bought the canvas meaning to start a different painting. The new and old images are both the same size in real life.)

Rest and Peace

Last night I went to bed with something really bothering me, weighing heavily on my chest. Has been a while since I had that feeling. I was really tired and the thought of going through the next day seemed kinda overwhelming at the moment. I tearfully fell asleep. I woke up to Gianna calling for me as she does every night, usually around 4. I could have sworn I looked at the clock and it was almost 7. It felt like I had been sleeping a long time. But when I came back in my room the clock said 3:30. It confused me cause I even felt like it was 7 and I went in the living room to look at the clock, and it was 3:30.

I still had the weight of what was troubling me just pressing in on my chest. I knew I needed to pray about it. Starting with Phillipians 4:6-7 and just thanking God for a while, bringing to mind every good thing I am blessed with. Then I prayed a great prayer in the end of the book Walking with God by John Eldredge I keep coming back to. By the time I crawled back in bed it was 5. And I had PEACE! I set the alarm for 6:45. I woke up after what felt like sleeping for hours and thought oh no, I must have missed the alarm, but I looked over and it was only an hour later, 6:00!

I emailed my friend who knew what had been troubling me and shared with her what happened and the peace I had been given. My last sentence of my email said to her, regarding the feeling of several extra hours of sleep, that I felt like God had blessed me with some extra rest and refreshment.

Right after sending the email, a daily devotional I get emailed to me came through. The title of it for today- Sweet Dreams - and the scripture it was based on -

"It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eatingthe bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."Psalm 127:2 (ESV)

So awesome. I dont' even remember ever hearing this scripture. He is so loving and when we just seek him with our hearts he loves to delight us in special little ways. I am so thankful to be His beloved! : )

The Greatest Love

I'm reading a book right now called the Sacred Romance by John Eldredge. He shares a few excerpts I was really touched by. Like this analogy to help describe God's love for us (from a book called Disappointment with God):

Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden. The king was like no other king. Every statesmen trembled before his power. No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents. And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. How could he declare his love for her? In an odd sort of way, his kingliness tied his hands. If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist - no one dared resist him. But would she love him??

She would say she loved him of course, but would she truly? Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind? Would she be happy at his side? How could he know? If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her. He did not want a cringing subject. He wanted a lover, an equal. He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross the gulf between them. 

Eldredge, then goes on to say - The king clothes himself as a beggar and renounces his throne in order to win her hand. The Incarnation, the life and the death of Jesus, answers once and for all the question, "What is God's heart toward me?" This is why Paul says in Romans 5, "Look here, at the Cross. Here is the demonstration of God's heart. At the point of our deepest betrayal, when we had run our farthest away from him and gotten so lost in the woods we could never find our way home, God came and died to rescue us." 


He loves us very much. : ) I believe he made so much of this world just to delight us. Flowers and sunsets and rainbows and shooting stars and little babies and on and on and on. His sunsets are like embraces to my heart and soul. I once saw a huge field at night filled with sparkling fireflies and it was more beautiful than any special effect I've ever seen.


And yes there are more things in this world that aren't beautiful, that hurt, that bring tears, that break our hearts. But we can't focus on those and let them harden our hearts and steal the joy of the love God has for us. We can't let them blind us to the beauty that is around us at all times and in all circumstances.  


He knows the pain we carry, has sympathy for the heartache we face. And he eases the burden so greatly when we will just walk beside Him.

Mountains and Meadows

I have one of those crystal clear memories from when I was in Yosemite in El Capitan Meadow, probably about 7 or 8 years ago. I was just sitting there in the tall grass and there was a breeze and I was totally in awe of the world around me. I remember thinking I have to remember this exact moment.

A couple weeks ago I was feeling kinda far away from God, ironically because of the distraction and busyness of the Christmas season. I didn't even know what to pray at the time, I was just kinda sitting there, early in the morning before the sun came up. A cup of coffee and a candle lit. Meaning to be seeking Him but not really having the words, feeling distracted, bothered by the clutter around me.

Out of nowhere, I start getting pictures in my head of Yosemite. For a few minutes I sat there just remembering that amazing place, like a slideshow. I felt like God was showing Himself to me. How grand and great and almighty and beautiful and perfect He is. How everything with him is in perfect order, no clutter, nothing out of place. It was very beautiful and peaceful and comforting. I kept calling it to mind throughout the day, it felt like a love letter or something : )

Then the very next day my friend Chris posted this quote on Facebook - “The grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never dried all at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls.”
-John Muir

It hugely touched my heart, and I googled John Muir. Turns out he is the person responsible for preserving Yosemite as a National Park! He lived there and had a great love for it. I started reading his description of it and couldn't believe it. I shared with Chris my 'slideshow' experience from the day before and he shared with me that John Muir was a Christian who regarded nature as God's Cathedral. 

The statement nature as God's Cathedral really struck me. It comes close to describing how nature often makes me feel. Especially sunset and sunrise, I can't really explain it. Expressing it was what I was going for in my painting.

The mountain in the painting is a combo of 2 scenes at Yosemite, El Capitan and Horsetail Falls, so its geographically incorrect, but it comes close to conveying the feeling and memory of awe in my heart that I felt then, and do now, at the sight of Gods Glory being displayed in nature and light. 

~ I have to add to the story now. Minutes after posting on Facebook my friend Nikki said this painting had special meaning for her and she would like to buy it. I really don't want to part with it, but I believe it was meant for her and I said yes. She was married in Yosemite, so I can imagine it carries even more precious memories for her.

So this morning I couldn't sleep, and I went to their Yosemite album and I am attaching the picture I found there. Amazing. And Nikki and her husband Cory both love God which just makes it all more evident its all from Him!!!!!!! Wow!!!

Too Busy Doing 'Good' Things

I haven't written in a month. I was just thinking how funny it is that I think I feel farthest from God during the month when we are supposed to be celebrating Him most!

I've been too busy for Him! Too busy doing things to 'celebrate' his birth to spend any time quietly with Him. Way too busy creating a special gift for my Mom using the really cool talent God has given me.

I haven't had amazing inspiring things to share because I haven't been drawing near to him very often.
His word promises 'draw near to God and he'll draw near to you'. That promise is so awesome and true. When I draw near to Him daily, I am filled to overflowing. Even when my circumstances aren't perfect, I just have a peace and can really sense his love.

I'm doing 'fine,' I'm enjoying my week off, fun time with Gianna, but I am not filled with that warm, beautiful, deep peaceful feeling that can only come from Him! A love that surpasses all others. But just as in a relationship with a person, you have to seek time and presence and intimacy with that person.

Jeremiah 29:13 says 'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Even the times this month when I was seeking Him, it wasn't with all of my heart. Too many things to check off in my head, I allowed myself to be distracted and used it as an excuse to quickly say my prayers and get back to things I really needed to do, thinking I'd be able to focus better 'later'.

Funny how I start to question things too. Like yesterday I was thinking who am I to think I can get up and casually 'have coffee' with God at my kitchen table? Sitting upright and drinking coffee and praying and reading my bible at my table? But I forget I've been doing that for years and it has been part of what transformed my heart and has drawn me closer to Him. I spend time on my knees too, but in the morning I fall asleep if I do that. And yesterday morning I did just that because I was questioning my 'casualness' with God. Woke up an hour later, hands and feet asleep, face plastered to the cold wood floor, because I was being all legalistic and thought I had to be on my knees, lol!

And interesting how before I started truly seeking God I had unpleasant dreams. Not even always nightmares, but I'd struggle in my sleep, be without peace. It was one of the first things I wrote in my first prayer journal. Please give me peace in my sleep. Well last night I was constantly on an exit ramp in my dream. Couldn't get off. It was a relief for Gianna to wake me up to come in our bed.

And another thing I can't really share details on, but there is something I have committed to doing that only came from God. It was something I felt called to do, especially when hearing Jesus words 'what good is it to love those who love you?' everyone does that, thats a given! And 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'


I started praying about it, being honest with God and saying I do NOT want to do this, but if you will make it easier for me and open a door, I will. But He had to help me. For months I prayed this daily and I just waited for God, I wasn't making any moves on my own because I needed to know it was His will. And he moved in an amazing way. And then I still struggled with making the commitment to do it, would let my mind run wild, but he eased my worries and replaced it with joy to serve him and bless others. For his word promises 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' and 'The joy of the Lord is my strength.' : )

But being away from Him for a month, it makes me nervous. Like why I am doing that??? OMGsh I have to keep doing that!!!!!!!!

Because it is only by the power and hand of God that I am doing it!

I am not doing this thing out of the goodness of my own heart! It truly is the grace of God using me to be of good to someone else and show His love to them. And I am so glad to know that He is always there, and I will be drawing near again, and He will draw near and deep down and give me the strength and joy I need to be who He has called me to be!

Got my coffee and bible and gonna go light a candle and sit quietly with the Creator of the Universe now.

Have a great day!  : )

Provision

I barely have it in me to write this right now, but have to share.

Yesterday Gianna and I go grocery shopping, we were there for well over an hour. She started crabbing toward the end and I was ready to get out of there, go home and deal with my headache, I hadn't had any headache medicine at home and needed to get home and take some.

We wait in line, get all the groceries rung up and in my cart, and then I write the check, and they won't accept it. Check number is too low. And I can't find my debit card. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Just sucked it up and in disappointment walked away from the cart, got in the car empty-handed, and went home with my pounding headache, and no Tylenol.

I called my friend who prayed for my headache and I took a hot bath and got some relief for a bit, but it came back later and stronger and I had nothing. In the middle of the night I took one of Jason's vicodin and it wasn't helping. Then I started freaking out a little like what is wrong with my head! But thank God for Phillipians 4:6-7, which always has brought me peace in moments of anxiety.

So this morning I'm running late and didn't stop on the way to church for pain medicine.  I did have a credit card of mine Jason found though. After church I stop for gas and couldn't WAIT to get to the store, get my pain meds and stuff for dinner and go home and relax with a heating pad on my neck as my friend at church had recommended.

And the card. was. declined.

Turns out it was an expired card. I had 5 bucks in my pocket for gas, but the thought at not being able to go get my excedrin and some groceries for dinner was such a bummer. I was on the verge of some serious tears. I sat in my car and prayed. I said God pleeeeeeeeese, I don't know how but PLEASE make a way for me to just go get some excedrin and something to make for dinner. It may not seem like that big of a deal, but in that moment it just felt hugely frustrating and like more than I could take. Like realllly????? Omgsh.

I just sat there for a minute with my face in my hands and then I started rummaging around in my car.

And I found $15 sandwiched in some papers in the glove box!!!!!!!!! And its easy to dismiss and say oh I left that in there, which I'm sure I did, but the bottom line is I was sitting there with nothing, no money, and I prayed and plead in desperation for God to make a way for me to get what I needed. And within a minute I had it! So awesome.

Then right after I walk in Meijer, this woman shopping says hey, I was in line behind you yesterday, you left your daughters gloves in the cart! So I go to customer service and they say they don't have them. I see the lady who rang me up and she comes over and finds them and I tell her my 15 dollars in the glove box story :o)

And it was a good lesson for me to shop with that 15 dollars. I had to weigh out the few veggies I bought, I bought one big potato and plan to mix that in with some instant potatoes. I had to add everything up to the dollar. Some people live like that everyday. Even though my financial situation isn't the greatest because we have a good deal of debt, we are blessed to have jobs and the ability to buy the food we need regularly, and this made me more appreciative.

And God showed himself in a big way to me today.

And yesterday I was also going to buy a booster seat because Gianna is too big for her carseat and its a huge unneeded added frustration getting her in and out of my car. I had decided ok this is enough of this. And do you know that I said nothing about it to Jason, but last night he offered me his booster seat from his car? Just to be nice!?

God is good. And though the last day and a half has been filled with frustration and an aching head, He has shown Himself to me in the little things, and I feel loved, a little humbled,  and a little more faith-filled today. : )

And now my pork chops are in the oven, Gianna just laid down for a nap, and I'm going to go lay down with my head on a heating pad and relax!