I was surprised at myself looking back on it. I never thought I would be like that. Then on top of it I chose to do something I shouldn't have done, a choice that did not honor Him or myself, and again looked back on it like oh my gosh, why did I do that?
But through feeling this way it has truly been impressed upon me how BIG his love and mercy are. And I truly understand what his word says in Romans 8:28 -
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Because though it may sound strange, I actually feel hugely blessed in feeling so repentant and humbled. It kinda hurts to be humbled, but at the same time it is a huge blessing.
I feel very aware of my fallen nature. Very aware that though I may do my best to walk each day in a way that honors God, I will mess up, sometimes badly, will act selfishly, and I am no 'better' than anybody else.
And this makes me very aware of God's love and mercy. Of how big Jesus' love for us is, while we are still sinners(!), and how badly I need Him.
His ability and choice to forgive the sins of the entire world, so fully, so purely and completely, with no leftovers or even minute traces of resentment, anger, or bitterness, is something no human could EVER do.
He alone is God. He alone is mighty. He alone has the power to fully forgive and save. He alone would want and choose to love and be close to those who do so much against Him, who ignore Him or turn on Him, get unjustly mad at Him or blame Him, doubt him, yell at Him or tell Him off.
But He is still there with open arms. He is knocking at the door. All we have to do is answer.
I am not sure if this is totally in context with what I'm talking about, but it keeps coming to mind: In the book of Hosea in the old testament, there is a part where God is speaking of the love He will have for those who had turned away from Him. He said He would allure them, lead them, draw them back to Him.
He says "I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one'. I will say to those called 'Not my people', 'You are my people', and they will say 'You are my God.'
While they were still against Him and honoring other other "gods", He was speaking of when they would be turned back toward Him, when He would be loving them.
Because He is forgiving and loving. And worthy of all praise.
I am so grateful to know Him, to have the eyes to see the beauty of his Words, to be his child, to feel His presence, to be the recipient of his most beautiful gift of Love and Mercy.
To Him be all the glory : )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1jVuyOQUwk